We have a tendency to think that things outside of us are going to make us happy. And it just isn’t so.
Video Transcript:
Dr. A: All right, welcome everybody to the Conscious Forum. It’s May 6, 2025—time is moving along. We’re almost—not—quite halfway through the year. This is basically our fifth Conscious Forum of the year. Very excited today—this is going to be a really good one. We’ll give a chance for everybody to kind of file in. One of my favorite subjects is: how do we build the psychological flexibility to live in a world that’s changing so rapidly?
I mean, it’s interesting how AI is permeating everything. And what’s happening is, we’re kind of leaving the human interconnection by the wayside. People are not talking as much as they used to—most people use text messages rather than the phone. Zoom obviously is great, because you can see each other, but as a whole, we’ve become very isolated. Forty percent of people in major cities consider themselves clinically diagnosed as lonely—to the point where they actually have a mental dysfunction from that. Beyond that, there’s lots of anxiety. People just aren’t doing well adapting to this rapidly changing, technologically advancing world.
So today, we’re going to talk about making sense of our chaotic world. As you see and what I have out as the title, as your identity kind of goes away and we become comfortable with ourselves in a conscious state—our identity is who we are. Yeah, I’m Dr. Wayne Andersen. I put that on just for a little bit of credibility. But beyond that, really, I’m a fellow human, and we’re all living in that world together. The stuff we’re going to talk about—I’m not a psychotherapist. This is not about doing psychotherapy. This is about really going to the mental gym and learning how our thoughts, our feelings, and our actions—our perceptions, our choices, and our behaviors—really affect us in this world, and how we can make sense of it. And how we can change to really start to have less suffering and more joy, more happiness in our lives.
So, our internal world—you know, we mostly look to the outside to make us better, and we’re going to talk a lot about that today. But our internal world is full of fear, anxiety, and increasing stress. It’s a natural response to how we were designed 100,000 years ago. Our amygdala—we have twin amygdalas up here in our brain—the limbic system of our brain was the early warning system. It’s the one that kept us out of trouble. It kept us from getting bit by a rattlesnake that was on the trail. We would actually not look and use this part [of the brain], which was developing way back then, but we would react immediately to prevent danger from hurting us.
So what’s happened is: 10,000-100,000 years have passed, and most of those real dangers are now perceived dangers. They’re literally fear of lack of something, of anxiety about what lays ahead. And there’s increasing stress in all aspects of our life. Whether it’s international—we’re so connected together with the electronic leash and the internet and media—that things happening all over the world get brought right into our room, through our TV, through our computers, or our phones every day. So, more and more stress is occurring. And it physiologically takes us out of what I call coherence—where our physiology, our emotions, and our cognitive ability to be coherent and really flow through life is severely dampened. It has a long-term effect: cognitive decline, lack of physical activity, as well as just the emotional mismanagement that occurs, is raising havoc on our bodies.
So the secret to happiness, you know, continues to be elusive. We have a tendency to think that something outside of us is going to make us happy. And it just isn’t so. So that’s what we’re going to talk about. Then we’ll open this up in the forum for questions—for people to ask questions about their life. But: I am not enough as I am. There’s a wanting something different that leads to this unsatisfying life. Like, as I sit today, I don’t have enough of the things I need—there’s a lack there. And we all kind of perceive that. As I mentioned, our limbic system in our brain—our personal mind, our ego—wants everything to be done a certain way. It says, “If we have these certain conditions, then we’ll be happy, then we’ll be okay.” And we’re going to talk about the elements of that. So we seek to compensate for our lack of happiness or satisfaction—or that lack of wholeness that we feel—by looking outside for help.
What we really don’t realize is that it’s the stuff inside of us that really keeps us from reaching the natural state, which is one of relax and calm. So humans have three core wants. If you really break it down, all of them are subsets of that. They are: security, approval, and control. We’re going to talk about each one of them, but these are the three core wants—or desires—underneath everything.
First is security. Security means safety—it means survival. Basically, whether it’s our financial situation, what we do for vocation, or our relationships—we have a sense that we have to do so many things outside of ourselves in order to maintain security. It’s the most primordial—it’s the one that takes us all the way back. Because we were part of nomadic tribes, and as a tribe, basically, you wanted to be part of the inside. The second is approval. Approval, basically, is the desire to be loved, to be liked, wanted, valued, appreciated, respected—to belong, to be part of something. If I’m approved, then I will survive. So approval is really important because in the tribe, if you were approved by the tribe, then the tribe basically provided the security. So it took care of the first two.
The third is control. If you weren’t able to get security through approval, then: I’ll get it through control. “I’ll control people, I’ll control the circumstances, I’ll control these things.” And by working on that, I help myself feel like I’m now getting what I need in order to be happy, to be more satisfied. There’s always kind of this feeling that it’s out there. No matter where we are in our life—whether you have an office and you want the corner office, or you have an older car and you want a newer car—there’s something out there that will make me feel whole, that will make me feel that I have control, that I have security, that I have approval.
And then: If only… I like to put it this way—this is kind of a way of thinking about it: “If only—blank, blank, blank,—then I would have the approval, the control, and the security I need.” So this is a great way to look at it. Because if you ask yourself in the moment: What am I wanting? What do I lack? What do I want to have happen here? That kind of gives you a clue to what’s going on in your personal mind, in your ego, in your limbic system in your brain. Because most of us live in a “see it” or “if only.”
“If only I had more money.”
“If only I had better relationships.”
“If I had more toys.”
Then I would be happy.
And as you know, there are people that are extremely wealthy who are very unhappy. And there are people that have very modest lifestyles who are extremely happy. So basically—it’s not an outside job. It’s an inside job. And wanting kind of implies lacking. There are the three needs: approval…control and security If you want something, you’re saying you don’t have it. And it’s because it’s a belief in lacking. It’s not actually wanting it—it’s the belief that I am lacking this. And that, basically, leads to all kinds of suffering and dysfunction. It’s the root of all suffering. It’s the root of suffering, the belief that we always need to get something from someone or something else. “I don’t believe I have security. I don’t believe I have the things I need.” What’s important here is to realize that suffering is fully optional. There’s going to be pain in life—there are events that happen: we lose loved ones, people get hurt, we have reversals in our finances. So things are going to happen. But the root of suffering is when we continue to believe, “I need this in order to be whole.” And it just isn’t so.
True freedom only comes when you decide: I don’t want to suffer anymore. Do you have a pattern run by your ego—the compulsion of wanting, and the belief that you’re lacking something, and that if you can get this, then everything will be okay? “If I can get that job, that raise that I want, then everything is going to be okay.” It’s not an outside job. It’s an inside job. Letting go of the need to control or possess something. You know, Hoskins, who wrote the Sedona Method and works out of Sedona, Arizona, said something years ago: “You can’t go anywhere to get what you already have. And you can’t do anything to become what you already are.” And if you think about that: if you already have control, approval, and security—and you do—then life becomes wonderful. It becomes so satisfying, because you’re not out there trying to get something else that’s somehow going to make everything else alright.
[00:10:10] What if everything, in this moment, in your life, was actually whole, perfect, and complete? Basically, when people feel lack, they operate from fear. When people feel that they’re whole—that they’re perfect as they are, and complete—they operate from a different mindset: a conscious state of love and creativity. And that’s our goal. As you let go and find the truth of who you really are, you will effortlessly be more happy. In other words, once we get out of our personal mind, we stop and we now sense to ourself, in this moment, “Is there something I need more security in?” If you lack security, those are the people that are out getting double security systems, getting multiple firearms, putting away survival gear—and it’s selling like crazy right now because of all the fear in the world—where you have an underground bunker you can go to. But do we really want that to happen in our lives? Of course we don’t.
Living from that state of lack of security, then you’re going to do things that really aren’t good for you. As well as approval. You don’t need approval. Approval from ourselves is the big one. You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone. You are whole as you are. And it’s that realization that creates calm. So as you let go, the mind gets quieter. If you look at a dandelion as it sits there—if it’s agitated, or if you blow on it and have all that energy, the pieces come off. But normally, it sits there and releases naturally. So you’re in a flow state—simply allowing the mind to do its own thing, and not taking it personally. In other words, being aware—and if you sense a lack of security or approval, feel those feelings all the way through. They only last about 90 seconds. So if something bothers you—you felt like you were scared by a situation—feel those feelings. And then let it go. Because it will right itself. If you hang on to it, and now you’re in a cognitive-emotive loop and you say: “Oh, this could happen again…” or you happen to see a snake or a spider and now every room you go into you’re looking for spiders, then what in essence happens is you become dysfunctional and you feel there’s a lack of security, control, or approval.
With that, you find the mind becomes friendly and there is enough for everyone. That mindset—that we don’t lack anything—changes everything and much more will come into your life because the fear part of your brain turns off and now the creative, the loving part, the part that cares about each other, that part comes out and it’s so critical. So once you’re letting go of wanting, your life starts flowing. So honor the flow of life. That’s really what I wanted to talk about today. Honor the flow of life. There’s going to be—there’s many songs written about how there are good times and there are bad times. There are happy moments, and there are sad moments. All of those are part of this thing called being a human.
If everything were perfect, if you needed everything controlled the way you wanted it, if everybody approved of you as you wanted it and you had complete security, if you had everything outside of you causing that—life would be pretty boring. It’s the ebb and flow of life that allows us to celebrate the sad moments and the happy moments. And to realize that by yourself you have what you need. Do you want more? Of course. We all want more control over things that are important to us. We want to have approval from the people we love and we want security. I’m not saying take the locks off your door. I’m saying: Live within the flow of how life exists and realize that you actually do have the things that are needed.
And going back to the slide I show all the time—it counts for all of the things we are talking about and I’m asking you to incorporate into your life which causes internal stability. When you have the calm, and you’re collected, and you’re focused—bottom line is, that stability creates external equilibrium with the people around you, in your relationships, within your job. If you’re coaching, within your coaching. It allows you to perform with a sense of calm, purpose, and fully present in the moment. Which is what we all want in our lives. So, with that, Rach, let’s open it up for questions and I’ll stop the share here.
Rachel: All right, first up we have Sandy. Sandy, can you come on camera and unmute yourself?
Sandy: I think I did. Okay.
Rachel: And Dr. A is just going to stop sharing in a second…
Dr. A: I’m going to do that…right…now. Okay, we off?
Rachel: Yes!
Dr. A: Good. Awesome. Let’s do it.
Sandy: Okay, Dr. A, so this fits perfectly. I’m kind of uncomfortable to even do this online with you personally. I know that you…[crosstalk 00:15:41]
Dr. A: First of all, let’s start—before you even talk, stop. I want you to feel like you can fully communicate, and don’t have any reservation. Why do you feel uncomfortable?
Sandy: It’s kind of funny because it’s so personal. And I feel like there’s a protection, I want to protect my family. But yet…
Dr. A: Well, you know, the thing is—it has to be your choice. If you’d rather do it off-camera, we certainly can. But the beautiful thing is the catharsis—and what you’re talking about, the people here probably don’t know your family and everybody learns—that’s why it’s a forum. But again, it has to be your choice. I don’t want you doing anything that makes you uncomfortable.
Sandy: No, this is really—I think—important. And you hit it. It’s funny, because I’m a therapist too. I just know that I’m often mistaken. I am very kind, and all I know how to do is be really nice… and I’m often mistaken for someone who wants something from that. And in my family right now, it’s—my granddaughter has been everything to me—I’ve been everything to her since she was born. And she’s 14. And I know—I tell everybody, “She’s 14.” But she’s been very, very mean, and wants nothing to do with me. There hasn’t really been anything that is happening. I’ve always been like, “Okay, I’m going to live above the line, I’m not going to let this affect me.” But it has. And I realize I can be in this great place, and her meanness just really hurts. And it makes it hard for me to come back.
Dr. A: Yeah. Okay, no—that’s fair. And first of all—you identified a creature: a teenager.
Sandy: Yes [laughing].
Dr. A: They are a very different creature. So let’s take the—this is a great way to do this. We’ve just been talking about approval, control, and security, right? So a teenager—well, let me back up a minute. From the time they’re born till preadolescence, the bottom line is: security is very important, approval is very important, and control over the environment is very important. Once you get to the teenage, what happens is actually rebellion. Rebellion simply—and it has nothing to do with you. It has to do with the teenager rebelling the establishment to find their own way in their conscious transformation into adulthood. Right? A lot of the things that existed—and you may have said something she used to think was great and now she thinks it’s controlling. And you just told me how important you are to her, that’s all your projection. I mean, where she is right now may be very different from that. What’s important for you is, because now we’re talking about where we switch from her, she’s looking to have approval now—not from her family, but from her peers. Right? That belonging is an important part of the transition, a ritual of passage that occurs during adolescence.
[00:19:05] So basically, she now wants to have approval from a different group, at the point where something you used to do and she thought was kind and wonderful and had her being approved by you, now she sees as being anti to that. You know, it could be as simple as—you know, I remember in high school my father coming to my prom to take pictures, right? And you know, and I was a little embarrassed, right? Because that’s just the way it is. So, the projects are now, for you to want approval from her and you’re not getting it. Okay, so that’s why you feel bad, and that’s why it hurts. Because you want that, there’s a long-term relationship, and what needs to happen now is just space and time. You just need to give space and time, and be supportive. Don’t try—so the three, lets go to the three desires. You want approval, so most the most likely one for you is to try and control her so that she approves of you. Okay, and whatever it is, control her by having her go do something or taking her out for dinner, it doesn’t matter what it is. Right now, she’s in a very different space and for you applying your needs—and if you’re feeling bad about it there’s a lack of something in your relationship with her that’s causing you to suffer. So, you’re right. It’s the perfect topic. You’re the perfect example of what’s happening. So, right now, if you had to say, in terms of the three, with your relationship with your—this is your granddaughter?
Sandy: Mm-hmm.
Dr. A: Of the three, which of the three needs would you say is the most prominent?
Sandy: Probably the approval.
Dr. A: Okay, so for a moment, can you just sense that that’s what it is?
Sandy: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Dr. A: Do you feel that?
Sandy: Mm-hmm.
Dr. A: Okay. So can you stay with that feeling for a minute?
Sandy: Mm-hmm.
Dr. A: I can see you starting to relax a little bit, because it’s about you. It’s not about her. When we started, it was all about her, and now it’s about you. Okay, so the other part of this—can you just say, for right now, that everything is perfect? Obviously, you would love the same relationship you’ve had for the last 14 years, but is everything really perfect? And do you approve as far as yourself and the things that are important to you? Do you recognize that she’s a teenager and that it’s not about you—it’s about her?
Sandy: Mm-hmm.
Dr. A: Okay, that’s it. That is it. Once you feel—and going back to what we talked about in this forum today, is when you can be alright with where things are—realize you have approval. She’s been with you. She’s just going through a dynamic change. The teenage brain is wired differently, and they’re going through all kinds of conflicting information. The best thing you can do as far as maintaining that sanctity of the relationship is just be quiet, and when you’re present, let her do the talking. And don’t try to control her. Right? It comes down to these very simple things. And you’ll see that everything will change. She’s not mad at you; she’s simply trying to find her way. And the best way you can—because you love her, right? Unconditionally.
Sandy: Yeah.
Dr. A: Yeah, just be there for her. Just be there in the moment. Don’t force yourself into situations she doesn’t want you in. Don’t try to configure and manipulate things to get control so you’ll get approval. Right?
Sandy: Mm-hmm.
Dr. A: Does that make sense?
Sandy: Yes. It does.
Dr. A: Perfect example. Thanks for sharing, Sandy. Alright. Who else do we have?
Rachel: All right, next up, we have Cinda. Cinda, can you come on camera?
Cinda: Did that do it?
Rachel: We can hear you, but we can’t see you.
Cinda: Okay, let me start my video. There we go. Hi, Dr. A!
Dr. A: Cinda, how are you?
Cinda: Well, I’m getting better.
Dr. A: Well, that’s always good.
Cinda: It’s such a blessing that this is the day of your forum because I just came home from 19 days in the hospital late yesterday afternoon. I came back from Cuba, and I got COVID. It turned into long COVID that created—well, I didn’t know I had a problem with my aortic valve and it exacerbated it. So, I spent 19 days in the hospital, getting evaluated and getting a replacement valve. It was touch and go and now that I’m home, I want to know some guidance on how to make sense of things and whether I should get back into fat-burning mode or stay on a heart-healthy diet until I get stronger, and just where to do from here.
Dr. A: Okay, you need to work directly with your healthcare professionals, but from a standpoint of what’s most important, you’re in a recuperative period. Your body needs lots of nutrition—lots of healthy proteins, lots of healthy fats. So basically, you should be eating as much as you can. Stay away, obviously, from processed foods, as much as you can. But eating first, high-quality proteins, fats—and I wouldn’t—and this point—I would not go into a fat-burning state. I would just let your body heal itself. I’m glad you’re recovering—you’re a tough old bird, that’s for sure.
Cinda: Oh yeah, I was the favorite patient in the hospital!
Dr. A: I’m sure you were, because you are highly conscious. [crosstalk 00:25:28]
Cinda: On the days I was faced with a critical decision, I really stayed positive. For the first time in my life, I stayed positive.
Dr. A: That’s probably why you made it. Just so you know, that’s probably why you made it. Because your mind is so important and you’ve been building that strength as long as you’ve been on this forum, Cinda, and the great thing for you is that you’ve got that strength inside here. But as far as your physical recovery, they have a recommended post-heart diet you should use. The key parts of it are, stay away from processed foods, stay away from sugar. Eat healthy proteins. Eat healthy fats, monounsaturated fats, olive oils and then work on having adequate nutrition to build your muscle and to build your recovery. And start—I know you want to walk that trail behind you there, bottom line is take it slow. There’s no hurry. Go, your body will tell you what to do. Definitely, one of the key developments over the last 50 years, is after surgery, is making sure you’re up and moving. One thing you don’t want to do is stay bedridden, right?
Cinda: Right. Right.
Dr. A: But go at your own pace. Listen to your doctors. We’re praying for you and I have no doubt you’ll make a full recovery. But don’t push yourself. This is not the time to push yourself. This is the time to listen to your body and recover at a pace that works for you.
Cinda: Okay. I have to tell you, the heart-healthy diet in the hospital was definitely not heart-healthy.
Dr. A: Don’t even go there. I don’t want to talk about it [Cinda and Dr. A are laughing]. I’ve spent many years in the hospital. It’s amazing what we teach—well, actually, just so you know, until I went out of critical care and went out and started focusing on Optimal Health and Wellbeing, I didn’t know—they didn’t teach us too much about that stuff. But the point is now, have someone help you and get yourself to a fresh market or whole foods or somewhere you can get high-quality nutrition. Stay away from all that processed stuff. Okay?
Cinda: Okay, thank you so much.
Dr. A: Good luck, and come back and let me know how you’re doing next week.
Cinda: Okay, I will.
Dr. A: Okay. Sounds great. Thanks. Alright, Rachel.
Rachel: Next up we have Cliff. Cliff, if you could come on camera?
Dr. A: Hey, Cliff.
Cliff: Hey, Dr. A, how are you doing?
Dr. A: Good!
Cliff: Excellent. So my question is—I love this topic today because I always find myself happiest when I’m in pursuit of something that is important to me. Knowing that it’s not the accumulation of anything that really makes us happy, or me happy, it’s when I’m actually in the game. So my question is: How do I best balance that drive for the pursuit of the things that are important, and at the same time, dwell in that state of the pursuit allowing me to create that happiness. So I guess, what I’m asking is, there’s that push and pull and there’s a delicate balance that really keeps me in focus. Is that…am I bringing…?
Dr. A: I may need a little clarity. Let me say a few things and maybe you could respond to it.
Cliff: Okay.
Dr. A: So, the bottom line is, absolutely. If you look at the hierarchy of values—the things we value most—and I’m not talking about moral or ethical values, I’m talking about the things we value most in our lives, whether it’s our family, our occupation, a sport, the things we value most require little motivation. When you’re doing those things, there’s passion, intrinsic motivation, and a desire to become better and there’s a desire to share. All those are highly qualifying human redeeming qualities that we want. And thats why when we’re doing something that we’re passionate about, we have a desire to get better and that’s reinforced by our sharing that with others. So that’s the essence of human connection, the human life, as far as relational continuity, and those are the things that are most important. So the things that you value most, you do with very little awareness of time.
[00:30:36] So, if you take something you don’t like you to do at all—I personally don’t like to run. I mean, I’ll get on my Pelaton. I’ll go out—I mean, all day long I’m active. I walk up and down, I have three flights of stairs. I never use the elevator. I use the stairs, probably, 30 times a day. I’ll go up specifically to get something on the third floor, even if I’m on the first floor—so I stay active, but I don’t like to run. When I go out and run—and I remember in football practice, and in wrestling, and all the sports I played, when we ran laps, I just couldn’t stand it. My best friend in college, he would go out and run. I went out to run with him a few times. I couldn’t stand it. So it’s important to align what you value most and then organize your life around those principles. That’s why I talk about that all the time as far as the balance. The balance is that if you’re doing something that requires time and it affects the other areas, then find how they support each other. So if you look at the key areas of our lives, whether it’s our vocation, our family, our social interaction, our religion, spirituality, mental health, physical health, you know, look to see, how do I organize so the things that I don’t value as much can be supported by the things I do value most? Does that make sense?
Cliff: Yes, it does. The balance question I had was really balancing the desire, keeping the desire at bay, and yet at the same time, allowing the pursuit to move forward [crosstalk 00:32:25].
Dr. A: If you’re talking about what I’ve been talking about today—approval, control, and basically belonging and security, those things are perceived, that we lack those things. Most humans, their whole suffering is because they feel they need something to make them whole. So wholeness is actually the fourth one: feeling whole.
Like, I know in my life, not everything’s perfect. Things have happened that, you know, aren’t necessarily ideal, but I feel whole. I feel—and— knock on wood, I mean, I hope I live for many, many years, but if I was taken today as I was sitting there, I would have no regrets. And the reason why is because I’ve organized my life around what matters most. My girls, you know, I lost my wife, my girls, helping people create health, the ability to be a teacher, to work, to do things like this—to help fellow humans—that’s what I love to do. You know, I have nice things I like, and I like to drive a nice car, but those are very secondary. Those are—I don’t sit at all during this day and think about, oh, look at the car I have, or, you know, I mean, even the house. I built a house on the water. The—the experience of the house isn’t the house itself; it’s being able to look out at nature. I was admiring, when I was getting ready for this call, there were four pelicans that came over, right over the top, and dove right—right in front of my office. And just the fascination of being that connected to nature is a beautiful thing.
So—so it’s not desire. It’s not what you desire. It’s really what do you value? What—what do you want to fill your day? Organizing your life, what matters most, and then becoming—I always talk about that in the Dominant Force. If you are at the mercy of your lack of control, approval, and security, then you’re not running your life. You’re out there looking for assault weapons, you’re looking to find a bunker, you’re looking to get a double new secret security system. If you’re looking for approval—you know, you’re not getting enough compliments, or someone didn’t compliment you today—you go home feeling like a lack, like I needed that. Or your boss didn’t say you were doing great work. I need to almost go ask him, “Am I doing good work?” See, that’s a lack of. And you don’t lack anything. You have what you need. You have the—once you sense that I’m taking ownership, I am whole—then you pursue the things that you want, that you value the most.
So for me, outside of my family and helping people, I value skiing. I love to ski, and yet I value that where I—so I put myself in position where I have a place up in a ski mountain, where I can do the things of helping people and then take a break and go outside on the days when the snow is great. Before, I didn’t value obviously as much, and I didn’t have the resources, and so I would go skiing for a week. And during that week, I would ski even when the conditions were terrible because I had a lack of—right? I no longer have that. I made sure that I’ve organized my life around what matters most, and I’ve eliminated a lot of the things that aren’t full body “yeses.” You know, one of the things I learned from my dear friend Jim Dethmer, is, “full body yeses.” Do the things that make you alive, and do less of the—delegate everything else. Delegate, delegate, delegate the things you don’t need to do. And that’s how you maintain the balance I think that you’re asking about.
Cliff; Got it. Yeah. So really, it’s focusing and staying focused on—
Dr. A: On what’s that matter most. Our—the first leadership habit that I created was: lead from the future, act in the now. The point there is: lead from the future and see the world. I know that the water is very important to me, so I found a place where I could be on the water. Even when I was in practice in Dayton, Ohio for so many years, I lived on a creek because that was something that was important. And I couldn’t live on—I didn’t want to live in a house that didn’t have water and then have to live for the days when I could go on vacation, you know, five or six times a year and get to water. I brought it and incorporated it into my life. So that’s—it’s really fundamental. But we all have the capability, no matter what our resources are. We can do it at a different level. I mean, we could—I started off, I had a little aquarium that was the essence of that until I could have more. So that’s—that’s really important for you to do.
Cliff: Thank you.
Dr. A: Awesome. Go get them. Okay, Rach, what else we got?
Rachel: All right, next up we have Barb.
Dr. A: Hey, Barb! You’re muted. So I can’t hear what you’re saying. You’re still muted. I can’t read; I’m not a really good lip reader.
Barb: Okay, I’m unmuted now.
Dr. A: I got you.
Barb: Yes! Well, hello! I did not get to actually meet you in Baltimore, but you did a little video with me, and that was awesome. I appreciate that.
Dr. A: You’re welcome.
Barb: Yes, so my question, I guess you can see my question, but I often wonder why I am so driven, and I feel so happy, and all is well in the world, yet my “Habit Finder Health Assessment” says my fulfillment is way down on the negative side. I’m not fulfilled. Oh, my dog is barking. Hey. Anyway, so I just, am curious, because when you said, “If you’re wanting something, you’re lacking something,” well, am I wanting something because I’m so driven?
Dr. A: Okay, well, so I want to start over with what you just said because a couple of things: if you’re happy, and you’re fulfilled, and you love life, is that true?
Barb: Well, there’s something lacking, I guess. I’m constantly…[crosstalk 00:39:14]
Dr. A: Wait. Time out. We need to talk real boy-girl talk here. Okay, this is not theoretical. The only person that knows your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions, is you. Okay, so if you’re projecting that I’m happy because when you start off and tell me, “I’m happy all the time, everything’s great,” well, that’s not reality. There’s no reality where everybody’s like that. That would be utopia. Utopia doesn’t exist. The question is, as a whole, are you feel fulfilled? Do you seek or do you feel that you have all the security you need? Do you feel that? Do you feel secure?
Barb: I’m very secure in some ways, but I feel that I need… I’m the only—I’m the sole provider for my whole family, my everything. There’s no one else. So, that’s a drive that I have.
Dr. A: Okay, that’s a necessity. But, does that worry you, that everyone’s dependent on you?
Barb: Yeah, well, it worries me that I’m not secure because I don’t have enough of something.
Dr. A: Ah!
Barb: Money. Money would be one of them.
Dr. A: Okay, so that… okay. How about approval?
Barb: I’m good. I don’t need approval.
Dr. A: You don’t need any approval? You’re good? Everybody? In your relationships, in your occupation, in your significant other… everything is good?
Barb: Well, my significant other, unfortunately, I’m the primary caregiver. He’s on full-time oxygen; he’s 14 years older. You know, we don’t have much of a relationship.
Dr. A: Yeah, but, as far as—basically control, it sounds like you’re fully in control of everything, and you’ve made it a point to do that. So, actually, you lack several things, right?
Barb: I guess.
Dr. A: Well, it’s okay…
Barb: …because I’m not recognizing it.
Dr. A: Okay, but you’re not in search of what you’re lacking. I want to be really clear: if you go through your day, and throughout that day, everything you enjoy, you love doing, and you don’t feel like you’re missing or needing anything, then that’s fine. That’s good. If at night you’re projecting that everything’s fine and it’s actually not, and you’re worried, you’re lacking approval or security, that’s something different. But I can’t… I’m not a mind reader. So, I mean, is that true? Is it true that you’re… because you tell me, “I feel happy all the time,” well then, great! Don’t do anything then. As far as—what did you say you found out on the Habit Finder?
Barb: Well, my fulfillment is… I’m not fulfilled.
Dr. A: Okay, well, see, you cannot… Okay, so you have a major interpersonal introspection that you need to do. Because if the data is saying you’re not fulfilled, then you can’t possibly be happy all day long.
Barb: Right.
Dr. A: It’s not compatible.
Barb: Yep.
Dr. A: Okay, so why do you think you’re not fulfilled? Do you know what fulfillment… fulfillment is involvement. Fulfillment means that you’re embracing your life, doing the thing—exactly what I was talking to Cliff about. You’re organizing your life around what matters most to you, and you’re the Dominant Force in your life, and you’re fully conscious in the moment. You’re not spending time in excessive thought, you don’t have cognitive mode loops, you’re not dealing with stored energy that’s negative. Do you have any of that?
Barb: Right, I think—I think I just got it. What it is. I’m not able to physically do the things that—now that I’m 130 pounds down—I’m able to do because I have limitations caring for my husband.
Dr. A: Okay.
Barb: That’s pretty much it.
Dr. A: Okay.
Barb: I can’t leave the house for more than an hour. I can’t go to events. You know, I mean, I did come to Baltimore because I had a daughter come stay with him. So, you know, that’s something. I suppose.
Dr. A: All right. So, there’s a discrepancy in things you’d like to do, and I want to be really clear: you can—there’s things that we want, that we desire. I’m not… there’s nothing in this talk that’s about that. It’s the perceived lack. It’s not the desire to have more; it’s the perceived lack, and that by having more, we’re going to somehow be happier. So, it sounds to me like you’ve got your life, you’ve worked around, you’ve built the defense mechanisms. One of the things you desire to do more is to be more active—probably travel and do other things you could do.
Barb: Yes.
Dr. A: Okay. So then, again, going back to what I talked to Cliff about: if you take the key elements—your vocation, basically your finances, your physical health, your mental health… you take all those and you would like to do more, then do more. And find out how to do more. So, if it means—because right now, you’re saying you can’t be more than an hour without taking care of your husband, then you need to basically build the resources so you can afford to have a caregiver, so you have more flexibility in your life.
Barb: Delegate. Yes. Okay, I get it.
Dr. A: You see—one of… Okay, so even though it’s not obvious to you, having to be with your husband—first of all, being a full-time caregiver is not what a relationship is about. You’ve taken it upon yourself, and I’m not judging it, I’m just saying, you’re now inside, not feeling fulfilled because there’s a lot of things you’d like to do in life that are just… organize your life around what matters most. One of those things is your husband and the relationship. There are other parts of your life other than that, and now it’s time to figure out, how do I delegate so I can start doing more of those things? You’ll be a better caregiver when you’re with your husband if you’re out doing the things you want, and inside of you, you’ve projected that you’re happy all the time, but you’re actually not.
Barb: Right. Apparently so. And my fear—in delegating that—is that somehow that means I don’t care enough about him.
Dr. A: Yeah, so that is what? That’s approval. You have a lack of approval. You do have it.
Barb: I do, yeah. And he will not like it.
Dr. A: You just… see, five minutes ago you told me, “Nah, that’s not an issue.” Major issue, because you’re creating your story. Okay. Your story and your projection of what you’re supposed to be as a good wife has now led you to something where you’re feeling that you’re not being a good wife if you go enjoy yourself as well. And, honestly, that’s a self-imposed thing that you’ve done to yourself, and you project it onto your identity, and it’s not healthy.
Barb: Oh, good. I need to fix it. Yes. That’s what I needed to hear.
Dr. A: Wait, wait. You don’t need to fix yourself. You need to modify the environment, the surroundings, what you do and what you don’t do, so you can now have more of the things that are important to you. Because your relationship with your husband is just one thing. Okay.
Barb: Yeah.
Dr. A: There are other things that are important to you. If you—again, what you should do is sit down and write down what are the 10 most important, highest needs—no, I’m sorry—not needs—values in your life, from one to 10. And maybe he’s number one. And that’s up to you. That’s not any of our business or anybody on the call. Find out what are the things you value most and now start projecting—lead from that future and start reorganizing the underlying structure so it supports the things that are important to you.
[00:47:39] I changed my underlying structure so that it supports the desired behaviors. I basically don’t bring processed food in the house, because I know I don’t want to eat it. And so, basically, I change my underlying structure. I have the cabinets and everything in a place where I don’t… my office is on a different level than the food in my house. Okay? Same thing with your relationship, with your current relationship. Organize your life around what matters most. Certainly, your husband’s part of that, but, bottom line is your projected need to be there hourly for him is not allowing you to be fulfilled, and that’s why your fulfillment is so low. So, let’s work on that stuff.
Barb: Yes, I so appreciate this, because I could not see it until… I’m not even kidding.
Dr. A: But the reason why you can’t see it is because you projected your story, and your story… you’re sticking to your story, and you’re not allowing yourself to be open. And remember those times, for all those things, when you basically put yourself in position, you know? And someone says, “It’s great hearing Dr. A… you know, still puts his food…” Yeah, because I’m a human. And they make the damn food so good that you’re going to eat it, even if you don’t want to. Even if you’re no longer an unhealthy person, if something is put in your position, your dopamine receptors in your brain will be activated. So we have to specifically design our life—I did a documentary in Copenhagen called Health by Design, and in that, we look at different cultures. The Japanese, for instance, they don’t have processed food. They have one little section in their grocery stores.
Same thing with your life—you have to look and say, “Okay, yeah, I’m doing okay,” and rationalize that everything is fine, right? Or you can say, “Hey, I’ve lost a bunch of weight, I’m healthier, I want to do this, I want to do that now,” and not limit yourself. Because as soon as you limit yourself and are not doing those things, then you’re not being as good a caregiver as you can to your husband. You’re just not. You’ve got to be able to fully live life, and one of those things that you organize your life around is being a caregiver for him, but also getting the help so you can enjoy and be fulfilled in your life. So, you’ve got lots to think about, but I would first start off with, write down your top 10 most important values—the things you value the most—and then look at how to make this work so that you can be filling my day, organizing your life around what matters most.
Barb: That’s perfect. I so appreciate it.
Dr. A: Alright.
Barb: Yes. Thank you.
Dr. A: You’re welcome. Okay, alright, Rach, we’ve got time, it looks like, for one more.
Rachel: Alright, next up, we have Cathy. Hi, Cathy.
Cathy: Hi. I want to ask for excusing my very unfashionable post-cataract glasses, but, my question is really kind of… and I learned a lot from your answers to the other three, because I deal with a lot of what they’re dealing with, but I’m kind of the opposite of Barb in that I have a lifelong history of a really chronic depression. They use some fancy term for it, but I am currently, I think, beginning to come out of a really rough winter, and I feel that from this, what I heard today, I think that I’m my own problem. I appreciate it, but as I’m aging, even though I’m getting healthier technically, I feel my life changing, and I have the support of my family and my friends, but I just find my days unfulfilling. And I find myself pulling away from people, so, I’m working on it. I’m trying to come out of it. I re-find myself restarting and going back and like Monday night community night last night and trying to do these things, but the joy only lasts until I get off the call. And I’m working on my food. I clean my kitchen. I get my 5 in 1’s. I put everything where I need it, and I do well, and then something happens and I find myself doing physical motion, but getting into this mental gym is getting really, really hard.
Dr. A: Okay, well, a couple of things. First of all, again, I’m not a psychotherapist. If you have clinical depression and it’s been diagnosed and you know whether you’re on or not on medicines…
Cathy: Yeah, obviously, yeah.
Dr. A: Okay, so that needs to be taken care of by a psychotherapist or psychiatrist or whoever you work with. What I can say to you is… okay, as we get older, our senses, our ability to see things. The world is changing really quickly, so there’s a sense of relevance, right? Am I relevant anymore? Right, and I know that’s part of what you’re talking about. And so the way to become relevant is become more involved with your family. You know, your family’s there for you, and I don’t know that relationship. We don’t have time today to go…
Cathy: Yeah, yeah.
Dr. A: But basically, find a place in there where, you know, you’re an asset to the family, right? Things that you do or whatever, and make sure that you’re additive to the family. Because the family dynamics have changed so dramatically in the modern world we live in, it just seems like nobody has time for anything anymore. So, and then find a couple of things that you really enjoy doing. Again, this is a variation on what I’ve been talking about. What do you value most? What are the… find one or two things that are absolutely… shine. They light your moon, right? They basically just light you up, and it can’t be just, it can’t be just spectators. So, it’s great that you came on a community call and you get to hear the energy from that, and it makes you feel connected, and that’s what we want. By the way, we all want approval, we all want security, we all want control, but the lack of it, the perceived lack of it, is where we suffer.
So with that, find a couple things that you absolutely love to do and pour yourself into them, and you’ll find that is the best way, because, you know, traditional medicine, basically is reacting to what’s wrong, to problem-solving, right? What I’ve found is in the creative process—and we talked about it—when you don’t perceive you lack anything, then you can be creative, and when you’re in the creative space, the fulfilled space, that’s when you’re doing something, Cathy, that you like to do. So find a hobby, find something you enjoy that requires you to actually use your mind and to create something. You have to figure out what that is, but whatever it is, find something that lights you up and then pour yourself into it, because intrinsic motivation is from inside. Remember, this is an inside job, and you’re absolutely right. It’s up to you. No doctor, no medicine, they can help, especially if you have chemical imbalances, but none of that can do what you can do for yourself. So, start thinking about something you love and go out and do it.
Someone just wrote pickleball four times a week, right? Pickleball! Yeah, and obviously, you know, I don’t know your physicality, whether you… I’m not saying pickleball, but I’m just saying find something you’re passionate about and go do it, right? I mean, like for me, I’m not an exercise enthusiast, but I know in the fall, when it starts snowing up in Colorado or up heliskiing in British Columbia, if I’m not on that Peloton working my muscles and getting myself in cardiovascular shape, it’s… I don’t love doing that, but I love skiing. And so the whole idea—and I talk about this in the Habits of Health Transformational System—is organize your life around what matters most, and then the secondary choices that support what you love doing. So find something you love doing, and then basically let the other things fall underneath it that you’re doing them, because they help support what you enjoy doing. Does that make sense?
Cathy: I love hearing it from you because I respect the Habits of Health. That’s… I actually like that book better than the LifeBook, sorry.
Dr. A: Well, there’s nothing to be sorry about.
Cathy: It’s the science, and it makes sense, and so your words I value greatly. I’m working on this, and I know that it’s doing that and not picking something that will get me favor from somebody that I love, but picking something I really love.
Dr. A: Yes, absolutely. Alright?
Cathy: Thank you.
Dr. A: See, look at the smile on your face. And I just… No, you’re a beautiful woman, and you… [crosstalk 00:57:15]. No, you need to feel that connected. We all… so approval, security, and belonging basically, you know, control in that situation… these are things that we want to feel naturally, not things we lack, but things we have, and you have these things. So go out and tear it up, and let me know how you’re doing. Okay?
Cathy: Thanks, Doctor.
Dr. A: You’re quite welcome. Okay, I think we’re… Maybe I could do one real short one, Rachel, or do we have someone else?
Rachel: Yes, we do have Mary. Mary, can you come on and ask your question?
Dr. A: Yeah, we have to keep it a little short because I like to stop on time. Hi, Mary.
Mary: Yes, hi Dr. A, good to see you again.
Dr. A: Good to see you.
Mary: Yeah, my question was—I mean, it’s a little similar to Barb’s. Just, you know, I realized while she was talking that I’m kind of struggling with the same stuff. I’m not a caregiver to an adult, but I am a full-time stay-at-home mom. And, I can see that my struggle is with approval, with my circles—like my friend circles, just the people around me. Now that I’m in this new phase, I’m actually… I feel happy in my life. Dr. A, I feel happy in my marriage. I feel like I’m in a good place health-wise. But there’s like this… I feel like a lack of approval in terms of like friendships. Like friendship dynamics are changing. You know, we’re—we’ve been at a new church, you know, everything kind of all happened at the same time with—I started health coaching, started a new church, found out I was pregnant, all kind of at the same time. And I feel like trying to find that harmony and balance, and like, okay, is this… is this just a flow of life and it’s, you know, I should just be grateful for what it is and where I am? But there’s something… there’s like a… maybe I’m projecting just from my own childhood experiences of like, I don’t want to end up friendless. And I see friends’ dynamics are changing, and it’s like, you know, I… that’s kind of… I don’t know if that makes sense, but just like, I guess the question was, finding harmony in that, or finding just being okay with things are changing and it’s going to take some time. But I feel like in each circle there’s like a lack of approval. I know in one circle it’s like, “Oh,” people kind of… I feel… this is my story… people kind of want to stay away from me because I’m a health coach, and then other new mom friends that I’m making, it’s like, “Oh, well… ”
Dr. A: Okay. I get it.
Mary: Do you know what I mean? There’s something that I feel like…
Dr. A: So, let’s start off by—let’s start off from the beginning. Your life is changing. You have a lot of different new stuff happening, and there is an adjustment, an acclimation that is required. So if you have this lack of approval, right, this is one of the areas that you lack, at least in your… and by the way, it’s all in here. It’s not real, because I see somebody’s head right there, right? So obviously, you have approval and the love of your young child right in front of you. So the perceived lack, you’re now projecting onto all these new areas in your life. Your life is changing. You’re making the adjustments. You’re pregnant, you changed churches, so yeah, you’re not going to have the same… if you just changed churches and you had good friends in the other one, that doesn’t happen overnight. That requires some time, and because you are projecting the lack of approval, you’re probably forcing it a little bit. And because of that, it’s not happening as fast as you’d like it to, because you’re feeling you have a need, right? You have a lack of something. We have a lack of something, we want to… we want to get that. So when you want to get something, it doesn’t work well, especially in relationships.
[01:01:30] So the first part is what I was talking about. Can you be okay with that you do have approval? Inside of you, and you’re sensing that, and I think you’re right. Now, a lot of dynamics have changed. You’re kind of unsettled. You don’t… you’re probably feeling all three. You’re probably feeling a little lack of security, right, because basically all of a sudden secure relationships you had are not there. And second of all, you’re not in control. You’ve got to get ready to have a new baby. You’re a stay-at-home mom, so you’re not in control of what you can do. You can’t go out and just do whatever you want, go to Starbucks and hang out with your girlfriends. So you actually have conditions that have changed, but your sense of feeling— you do have control of the things that are important. You have a beautiful child, amazing hair, right in front of me. You have a great smile. You are studying this stuff, and you’re just going through an adjustment. So you’re sensing and feeling things because you don’t have the calm, because there isn’t the order built in. We, as humans, we like things to be the way we like them, and when they’re not, and they’re different, we’re unsettled. And if you’re feeling and perceiving the lack of control and approval, then you’re going to feel that. And so you’re probably working a little overtime to try to recover. And like you said, because you’re a health coach, they’re avoiding you. No, they’re not avoiding you because you’re a health coach. They’re avoiding you because you’re trying too hard. Does that make sense?
Mary: Yes.
Dr. A: So settle in, know and work on your own wholeness. That you know, and actually what you can do is sense when you’re feeling something, what you want, okay? And then be there with that. This is what I want, okay? And then what if, for the moment, I… and identify which one it is. Is it control? Is it approval? Or is it security? And then identify with it, and what if in this moment, I do have that? I do have control. I am approved. I have amazing family. I have an amazing relationship with my husband. I have all these important things. Because what happens when you sense that you’re missing, if only… right, going back. If only… it’s really not if only. You have what you need now, and those things will come with time. The other things will come with… not saying you don’t want more friends. You want to have great girlfriends, or, you know, whatever. But let it come with time and don’t have it be a need or a lack of something, but just something that I want to organize my life around with. I’d like to do more of these things, and then it’ll come naturally. But your situation changed dramatically. So with that, your conditions changed. If you were exactly the same, same, same environment, everything was the same, then we’d be having a different discussion. But all the things in your life have just changed, and it takes time. It takes time.
Mary: Okay.
Dr. A: Got it?
Mary: Yes, thank you.
Dr. A: You’re quite welcome. Okay, everybody, we ran a little over. I apologize for that, and what I would like to say is that you’re all amazing. Thanks everybody that contributed, and if you weren’t able to get in this time, let’s make sure that, you get right on next time with Rachel. You can actually let her know that you have some questions or you’d like to talk, and we’ll make sure we get you on next time. So with that, let’s go out and realize that you are whole. You have all the control you need. You are approved by the people that care for you, and you have those things inside of you. And last but not least, you are secure with just where you are right now. So, God bless. Love you guys. Let’s go get the world healthy. Bye.
