The most powerful force in human behavior is the story we tell ourselves about who we are. Is your identity a friend or foe? Learn more with this month’s Conscious Forum.
Video Transcript:
Dr. A: We’ll just take a moment for everybody to kind of settle in—hope everybody’s starting off their week with a single-minded focus on Optimal Health and Wellbeing. And that starts with, right in here, in our mind. So, today’s Conscious Forum—just to spend a moment on what I mean by Conscious Forum—is basically an hour we’re going to spend together, and thank you for joining me. We’re going to—I’m going to give a little talk to kind of set up today, and then once I’m done, you can ask questions about the particular talk I did, or other things that are going on, and it’s a forum because we want it to be interactive.
We want everyone to be involved in this, engaged in it. It’s really important—not just for you, for maybe learning more about yourself or something that’s important to you—but also for me, to get the feedback. Because the feedback is really what helps me understand more and more what’s on people’s minds—what are the things that they have concerns or concepts about, and certainly, you know, what can we do to work on it. And I like to talk about going to the mental gym, but I can tell you that in our lives, life is intrinsically unstable. There are a lot of things that are going to happen—some of them are good, some of them are bad, it’s how we respond to them that determines the outcome.
And with that, the whole idea is to equip you with the tools so you can go to the mental gym and really work on this stuff. Because, as I’ve talked about many times in the past, pain. Pain is part of life. There’s things that happen to us we have to deal with, but suffering is optional. There is no need to continue to build these cognitive-emotive loops where we kind of get in our own head. And time, I find, is when people are getting ready or in bed, they have that moment to themselves, they’re not distracted with the very distracted world we live in. And during those time periods, they literally start thinking about things. They think about things that are going on, and then it creates emotions, and then that looping keeps going, and it becomes very difficult to sleep. And so it’s very fundamental—just the lack of high-quality sleep, not getting into deep sleep that’s so important for us. Regenerative sleep, in itself, is one of the causes of emotional mismanagement. And with that, it actually causes us to deteriorate our health.
And the cost-benefit ratio of worrying about things, being anxious about things or regretting things from the past—neither one of those things are really, really helpful for us. And so what we want to do is work on being in the present mode.
So today we’re going to talk about our identity—Friend or Foe? I wrote a book several years ago with Robert Fritz, one of the leaders in the creative process, called Identity. And in that book, we spend a lot of time talking about how we spend so much time worrying about our self-esteem—what we think about ourselves, these concepts we have, these self-styled obligations. Conflict that goes in where we have conflict management, where we have an ideal-belief-reality syndrome, where we want things to be a certain way.
Maybe we were told when we were little that someone said, “You’re stupid.” Maybe, inadvertently, we took it to heart. And, you know, now, for the last 30 years, we’ve been doing everything to prove that we’re not stupid. Including maybe even winning the Nobel Prize. But if you think you’re stupid, you still think you’re stupid. And if you’re doing things to compensate for that, that’s not good, because then we’re wasting our life and not being fully present and organizing our life around what matters most.
So we’re going to talk about our identity—friend or foe. So, our identity can be our greatest ally or our biggest barrier. And so, identity isn’t fixed. It’s a dynamic expression of consciousness. And what I mean by that is—depending on whether you’re fully aware and in the present moment, or you’re playing those feedback loops—it can really change and tell us we should be this way or not be this way, we’ve got to do this to prove this, and all those things are not helpful.
And it really starts with our old friend—our ego, which is our personal mind. And our ego basically acts as a builder and protector of our identity. Fueled by stories, conditioning, and emotions, it can be powerful as far as ambition, but it can also be very limiting in fear.
The most powerful force in human behavior is the story we tell ourselves about who we are. Think about that for a moment. I want to let you know—based on that, ruminate on that for a minute. Because what we tell ourself—about who we are, what our identity is, uh, kind of defines us. And it defines our behavior. It’s so powerful. And most of us don’t even realize it.
We think—I was just talking to my daughter, who’s just finished her first year of vet school, and she’s home, and we were talking about some things about identity, coincidentally, as I’m talking about that today, about her life, and where she is in vet school. And it’s so powerful. And she was talking about, you know, with her mom and myself as her dad, how her and her sister seem to look at things differently. And how much of that is programmed? I said, “Well, you know, your identity gets formed by the story, but it’s—it’s fully modifiable.” In fact, our identity defines the standards we set for ourselves. And those standards could be that—one of the things I do every morning when I get up—and I’ve been doing this for years, and I live alone—is I basically make my bed. And I listened to an admiral, I think at the Naval Academy several years ago—and many of you may have seen it—talks about one of the most important things we can do. And that is, in the morning, being disciplined enough to make our bed.
And it certainly sets a standard of how we behave. And it kind of sets—if you’re in a room of clutter—I mean, my office is—you can see, it’s pretty neat. I have great memories and things—this is all sailing stuff behind me, stuff I love. And The Endeavour is this model, which I got to see, which was in Newport, which is an incredible one of the old J-boats. But the bottom line is—what we set our standards at are determined by our identity. And our identity is determined by what we think about ourselves.
So, the constructed self—what we’ve done since we were little kids—our upbringing, society, our success and our wounds, reactive patterns, often unconscious—that’s what our identity is. It’s this story behind the scenes that kind of runs our life and what we do and what we don’t do. You know, and it’s really important—when we talk a little bit later about health, if we look at ourselves and our identity, we are a healthy person, then it’s not restrictive. You will not say, “Oh, I’m not going to have an ice cream cone because I need to be healthier.” You wouldn’t have an ice cream cone except for on a rare occasion. It’s okay to have an ice cream cone occasionally, but you wouldn’t have an ice cream cone because you are a healthy person, and it’s not a sacrifice to do it. You don’t have one because you really—that’s not what a healthy person does.
So ambition—this is one side of the coin. This is the part, as we’re growing up, where our identity and ambition is one of the gifts of identity. And so if you’re driven, and you’re disciplined, goal-setting, and you want to achieve… and I can tell you early on, my ego was in service of me becoming a really good doctor. I mean, I spent more time in the hospital. I didn’t go out with all my fellow interns and go out on the weekends. I studied. I studied in medical school. I graduated first in my class. That happened because I really was driven to become the best I could be as a doctor. And that wasn’t really—my ego was part of that, but the reality is, I just loved what I was doing, and I wanted to become really good at it. So your identity says, “This is who I must become.” And I—at that point, my ego was in service of my self-interest of becoming good, and it was about me. Now, my ego is in service of my soul. And it’s really about what I’m doing today. I mean, I’m doing this today. I don’t get paid for this. I do it because I love to help people. It brings me great joy, and it’s one of the things I value the most. So that’s what happens as your ego evolves from being in service of you to being in service of your soul. And we can all work on this.
When identity becomes a foe is when it becomes the trap—when we have fear of judgment. What are people going to think about us? Attached to being right—you know, I need to be right here. And paralysis is when goals feel too personal. You know, in the book Identity, we talk about the creator and the creation. When it becomes about you as the creator versus what you’re creating—and we’ll talk more about this in just a moment—then you’re worried about doing it. It’s like perfectionism really is a tremendous fault, because: “I need to do it right. I need to do it. need to do it right.” And what it does is, it paralyzes, because if we do it and it’s not right, then we look bad. So it becomes very personal.
It needs to be about the work. What are the things that you want to do in your life that are important? I always say: become the Dominant Force in your life and organize your life around what matters most. What are the things that are most important to you? And for me, I just spent a week with my girls who were here. It was Erica’s birthday. She just got out of vet school. Savannah, her sister, came over from England. We surprised her, and she had her friends here. And that’s one of the things I organize my life around—is making sure I’m here in those moments. And I really made sure my schedule was relatively free so I can spend lots of time with them.
But true creation flows when we’re present—when we’re fully aware, when we’re not distracted by all the stuff around us, by the internet, by our phones. In service—when we’re in service of others and we have purpose—we’re doing some… our purpose is our things we value the highest. And for many of us, it’s our family. Maybe our career. Might be something we love to do. It might be our faith. Might be our spirituality. It might be our health. But get out of the way and let the work through. In other words, stop making it about you and let the work work.
So, recognizing when your ego is at play, ask the question: Am I proving or am I creating? Am I proving myself—that I’m good—or am I creating something that’s important to me? Am I seeking validation or approval, or expression? Am I, in my behaviors, am I expressing a part of me, something that I’m passionate about, that I value highly? Am I attached to the outcome or committed to action? Because if you’re attached to the outcome, then it becomes that feedback loop. And basically, then you’re hesitant, and you get paralyzed. You procrastinate. You can basically create all kinds of dysfunction.
[00:10:46] But when you’re committed to action, and one of the things I do with my leaders is I created a leadership habit—lead from the future, act in the now. Figure out what it is you want in your life, and then act in the now. What are the things that move you towards what you want? And goals really are more of a filter. They’re not—you don’t stay there focused on the goal. You focus on, “Okay, this is where I want to go, here’s my North Star, and then what am I doing daily? Is it moving me towards my North Star? Is it moving me towards what’s most important to me?” So that’s really important. And to ask those simple questions can really help you understand this.
So, from proving to creating—shifting your narrative: I am not my results. I am my intention in action. Identity moves from fixed to fluid. Your identity doesn’t stay the same. It’s not just about who you’re—I’m not just Dr. A. I’m an individual that basically loves to help people. I love to help people that raise their hand. If someone’s not interested in doing it for themselves, I really don’t have a lot of time for that because I don’t want to enable people. I want to empower them. I want to give them what they need so that they can move forward and improve their lives.
So the old thing—I talked about this last month—I am not enough as I am. That’s the old story. I must succeed to be enough. You don’t need—you are enough. We talked about approval, security, and control, right? We have enough of those things already. It’s not about that. It’s about the new story: I express who I love through what I create. I desire to create. That’s so important.
So what are some of the tools of transcending ego? Well, it’s daily centering practice. What are you focused on? And you should ask yourself—even during this Zoom we’re doing—What am I focused on today? What are the things—am I moving myself towards the things that are the most important to me? Or am I spending time being distracted by trying to please others, looking for approval, looking to show that I am smart, or whatever it is? And observe that inner dialogue. Really listen to that voice in your head, because it lies to us all the time. It makes up stories. It’s driven by our ego, and it has a bunch of nonsense going on. And then, replace self-concern with service. When you focus on reaching out to the things that are the most important—the people we care about—everything changes.
So let go of the story. Return to the moment. Anytime you’re starting to build a story, you know—because what if the opposite was true? My dear friend Jim Dethmer always talks about that in his 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership—what if the opposite was true of what I’m thinking? Who am I without needing to be someone? Do we really need—you know, it’s great that you’re a good mom, but you’re more than a good mom. You’re more than someone’s wife. You’re more than someone’s husband. You are this person that is part of this incredible spiritual journey of humans being together as part of this big connection. And we’re all interconnected, which I absolutely love.
So you’re not who you think you are. You are who you are when you are fully present.
So in this moment, I’m fully present for you guys. I’m reading the slides, but I’m fully in the moment, really expressing what I understand about this and how important it can be for you to understand as well. So hopefully you’re listening intently and really starting to assimilate this. And: How can I use this? And I’m going to spend a little time now and go over some of the exercises we can do. But first of all: consciousness—define the non-judging observer behind thought. Our thoughts are not us. Our emotions, which are not us. And sensations—the things that are around us. The five senses—the things I’m looking at. Looking at this screen.
So, moving from content to context. So an example would be: I feel angry versus I am angry. Right? Feeling angry is simply a feeling you’re having. Something in your life has upset you. Your amygdala is activated, and you’re angry about something. You want some change to occur. And that’s a sensation. And so when you think about it, I feel that. Now: Why do I feel that? What’s going on? First, I define that I’m angry. And then I make the decision: Okay, what do I need to do here? And it’s not I’m angry, in a state of angriness, where I’m going to lash out at people and then be mad for the next three hours because I’m pissed off at this, right? How many people are in the Drama Triangle? So it’s moving from the content itself to the context: In this environment, as I’m feeling this emotion, what is the determined outcome?
And that’s why I created Stop. Challenge. Choose. If you start to feel that “icky sauce” that you’re getting, you’re feeling angry, you don’t want to become angry. You want to basically sense that I’m feeling that, and open, curious, and want to grow and learn. What can I do in this so that I can respond in a way that determines the outcome that I want in this situation? And that’s really important, especially in relationships. Yeah, we all get upset. You know, my daughters being here, I keep my house, my kitchen, pretty meticulous. And they’re not quite so… well, one of them is, one isn’t. And so I could get a little angry about that, but I thought, You know what? It’s okay. But then I communicate to them: Hey, I don’t like—because I live in Florida. I don’t want to ever leave food overnight in the sink, because that’s a great opportunity for bugs. So I said, If you fix something, just wash it before you go to bed.
And so I expressed that—what the context is, why I’m feeling that way. And rather than being angry at them and creating a “what’s wrong with Dad?” they say, Okay, this is one of the rules he has here, and we need to be cognizant of it and make a change. It’s a very different feeling than yelling at them, right? And that’s what I’m talking about. It’s conducting. So, you know, we always end this with internal stability and external equilibrium: being able to handle whatever happens and respond in a way that is conversational, not driven by drama and the drama triangle.
Living beyond identity—so let go of the story and return to the moment. So, rather than tell the story about what could be happening, who am I without needing to be someone? And that, in essence, is—you don’t need to be right. The need to be right is one of the biggest problems in relationships, where people want to be right rather than open and curious about what the other person is communicating.
So: the power of being present. I talk about this a lot. This is the essence of the consciousness. This is the essence of what, hopefully we’re learning in this conscious forum. Presence equals freedom. It dissolves reactivity so that you’re not just reacting to things. It brings choices and creativity, where you can be open, curious, and want to learn from the situation. And identity becomes intentional. It becomes. I’m a healthy person, and rather than get upset and eat a bag of potato chips, I’m going to respond to this in a way where I communicate in a relatively civil way and create trust and relational health, versus do something that puts me out and turns me sideways.
So we talk about this all the time: above and below the line. Below the line is the state that most people—95% of the world—lives in. It’s fearful. It’s reactive and controlling. All you have to do is look around the world at the conditions in the Middle East, look in the Ukraine-Russia conflict, look in general at political situations. When we’re below the line, we’re fearful, reactive, and we’re controlling. Basically, we’re not leading from the future we want—we’re acting from the present reactivity. Above the line, in any situation, we can be curious, aware, and creative. Identity becomes a conscious stance. Our identity becomes everything we want to become, because we’re starting to raise our standards.
So, you know, if before we slept in until 10:00 and we want to be healthy, we want to be more creative, we want to be more productive in what we do, and we make the decision to change those standards… and over time, you know, move to 9, and back to 8, and then whatever time works for you—we’re raising our standards, which now say: I’m now someone that gets up earlier and takes advantage of sunrise. You know, I mean, since I’ve been living on the ocean, I love to watch the sunrise. And I didn’t necessarily do that. And so basically, identity becomes this conscious stance that we take. And structural tension—and Robert Fritz and I have been friends for 20 years now, 20+ years—and basically, Conscious Identity Building, structural tension is about declare a vision, lead from the future—what is important to us? What’s our desired outcome? Acknowledge the current reality. Where am I right now?—and then create that structural tension that leads you.
[00:19:57] You know, if you want to go to Cleveland and you’re in Tampa, Florida, you need to know where you are and where you want to go in order to get there. And then, once you’ve decided that, then it moves you through the secondary choices that support what’s most important. And obviously, this is filled in the Habits of Health, some of my earlier work, so shifting my identity. Before, I’m undisciplined, where we’re making a judgment about myself. After, I create health daily. How do you create health daily? You look and decide: I want to become a healthy person. That’s my goal. And in that, there are the things I need to do: I need to eat healthier, I need to stop eating all the secondary choice, I need to stop eating processed food, I need to start moving more, I need to sleep better, I need to go to the mental gym and learn not to respond and react—react, but respond in a healthy way. And the formula is: repetition and awareness plus emotional alignment—not letting yourself go down in the Drama Triangle. That’s how you transform.
And as an emergent process, the core truth is you’re never finished. Identity evolves through conscious practice. And I can tell you that, you know, it’s gotten much easier for me than it was when I started 15-plus years ago. But basically, you’re never finished. It continues to be things that happen in our lives that create angst. We need to learn how to manage those properly. And how can we do that? We’ve talked about this all the time in this forum. Meditation is a great way to stop that thinking as best you can—or be aware of it—and then bring yourself back to the moment. Journaling is a great way, so you can then look back and, let’s say, by the end of the day you’re exhausted. You look back and say, “Oh, these are the seven times I went below the line. I got into the Drama Triangle, and I’m exhausted because of it,” right? And then you can learn from that.
Same thing with your food. If you’re doing well and then you have a day that you gain a couple of pounds, or a week you gain a couple of pounds, you can look back and say, “What did I do differently that took me off my journey?” And you become more aware. And then you create feedback loops so that, when you recognize that, you do the thing that moves you forward—whether it’s in your relational health, your physical health, your emotional health—all of them are important.
So I want to include this. I just finished writing a book called My Prescription for Life, which will be coming out really soon. We’ve had some delays, but we’re getting really close. And in it, GLPs are on everybody’s mind, so I wanted to use it as a great opportunity for those of you using them, or thinking about using them, or who know somebody that’s using them. Here’s a great way to think about identity, right? GLPs interrupt our old habits. So, for our standards—our standards which may have been unhealthy: eating processed food, sitting on the couch, watching too much TV, binging on Netflix, getting maximum stressed out—all those things.
Basically, during this period, while you’re on these, willpower becomes more under control. So you have a window to consciously rebuild your identity—to raise those standards to the next level and really move forward. And the message behind that is: these medications open the door towards change, towards increasing your standards, but you’ve got to walk through. And that door is only open so long. They last about maybe a year, a little over a year. Work that, and then they stop working. Then you have to stay on them, and if you don’t, you gain your weight back.
So during that period, when it interrupts those old habits, it’s time to ingrain the new habits, raise your standards, and become a healthy person. And becoming optimally healthy is the goal, as always, right? So hopefully, that makes a lot of sense.
So identity and freedom—Viktor Frankl talked about—between stimulus and response is this space. And it’s in that space when something happens. Stuff happens every five seconds in our life, right? We get phone calls, one of our kids gets hurt at school, someone gets sick, we don’t get the promotion. And during that period between that event that happens and your response is a space. And that’s what I call challenge—where we basically respond in a way where we’re aware of our actions, and we put those to work to make sure the desired outcome is what moves us forward and doesn’t disrupt us.
Hopefully, that makes a lot of sense. So basically, what I’m talking about is reclaiming your ownership—your authorship—of your life. You’re not a character; you are the author of your life. You’re not a person in a play as an undisciplined person, as a person that comes from a family that is mostly obese or criminals or geniuses or sailors. You are the author. Who are you beyond all those performances that you’ve done in the past? And you can become whatever you want. Your identity can evolve to whatever you want it to become and do. So, practices to evolve to become more of what you want, to be able to organize your life, to become the Dominant Force in your life.
There are three consciousness tools. First is the centering practice—that you put yourself in the middle. You’re centered, you’re aware, and you’re not distracted. You’re not basically in thought, feeling, or some other sensation. You’re simply present in the moment, fully aware of what’s going on—very cognizant. And the prefrontal cortex, this area of your brain, is working. Reflective journaling—basically, this is what we were just talking about, where you’re journaling. Journaling is something, you know, I never really used to do, but I do now. And I find it very, very helpful. I can really reflect on, during the day, what were the outliers, you know, generally as a whole. Like the last week, when the girls were in, they were buying groceries and doing things and bringing in house things that normally I wouldn’t eat. And so one of the things I talk about is healthy surroundings. So I specifically don’t have stuff in the house that’s unhealthy for me. And I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even desire it.
But if it’s here, and they fix a meal, and I’m eating the meal, then basically I can reflect and say, “Oh, okay. In this situation, I really shouldn’t do that.” And now I know. And if I gain a pound or two, I know that’s because I’m doing something that I no longer have as part of my standard. And then, speaking identity into being—basically, this is all about becoming what you want. Lead from the future you want for yourself and the people around you. So, integration. In summary: conscious identity is chosen. You decide by integrating the things that matter most to you. Figure out what principles—what are the things you value the most—and then do those things.
Second: evolving. It happens over time. It’s not something you snap your fingers and become overnight. It will evolve, and you continue to evolve your standards to become more and more. If it’s health, then become more of a healthy person by eliminating more and more of the things. Every time you eliminate something that is a bad habit and add something that’s a good habit, you amplify the process. And then you feel empowered. You start feeling–pleasure is short-lived. The reason why people eat these huge portions of stuff, like a big thing of ice cream, is that the only time they get pleasure is when it’s in their mouth and they’re getting that sensation. As soon as they’ve swallowed it, the pleasure is gone.
Satisfaction is basically empowering yourself by choosing to be healthy and doing something like going for a jog or going for a walk or basically having a salad. And all those things—when you do those, they give you satisfaction, and it lasts. It becomes, “Yes, I made these 10 choices today,” all of them that lead me on a journey towards better health. So, identity, when driven by purpose, it creates tremendous impact. So, find out what’s most important to you and organize your life around that.
So, the final thought: when you know who you truly are, no one can tell you who you’re supposed to be. And that’s why TVs and all these things on TV—you know, you drive the sexy sports car, and then you get all the girls, or, you know, you wear this makeup and everybody looks at you, or you’re—you know, it goes on and on and on. But when you know who you are, when you know what you want, what’s important—it doesn’t matter what anyone else says. You—in fact, if you’re in a dysfunctional relationship, you now become the—you’re the author. So, invitation to observe your patterns.
Figure out what are the things that turn you sideways. Do it with journaling—it is a great way—or when you start feeling the “icky sauce”, ask: what was the stimulus that caused this? And then awaken your awareness so you’re more aware, and then create a life aligned with your true identity, which is: we want to be healthy, well-rounded people that are truly happy in our lives and enjoying every moment for the short period we are on this earth.
So, with that, decide to create. Use identity to build, not block. Create from the inside out. Let purpose lead the way, so you’ll—you will—find the mind becomes friendly. And there’s enough for everyone—basically, abundant mentality. You don’t need anything of anybody else’s. You can create everything you need for yourself. You already have it inside you. You just need to become more aware and evolve your standards and identity so it becomes part of you. So, and last, as we close this up—once you let go of making it about you, life starts flowing. So, always end with this: our goal is to create internal stability. So, no matter what comes in, we’re able to handle it. You’ve got this. You can do this.
[00:29:18] And with that, external equilibrium is in our relationships. And everything is about relationships in our life—whether it’s our family, our friends, our community, our job—all those things. When you have internal stability, when whatever happens, you can respond in a way that determines the outcome that you want moving forward. Then you have balance, and you can have harmony. And life becomes really joyful—even, even during the times when we have emotions that come to us because of things that cause pain—we’re able to handle them in a way where we feel, really inside of us, a sense of command and dominance. That we can control our environment from the standpoint of how we respond to it. So, with that, Rachel, let’s open up to Q&A.
Rachel: Alright, first up, we have Matthew. Matthew, can you come on camera and unmute yourself? There you are.
Matthew: Hey, Dr. A!
Dr. A: Hey Matthew, how are you, buddy?
Matthew: Good. I had a question. So, I think you might have answered it while you were finishing up there, but one thing that I found with Opivvilla is just—how would you encourage the open, curious, kind of aware identity in spheres of either religion or spiritual context? Because I can sometimes feel that those are closed a little bit more to being open, and maybe that’s my own internal stability, just being more okay with my own internal mechanism, but I guess I was just curious what you might respond to that or how you might—
Dr. A: I think if I understand your question correctly—and I want to make sure I do—so, what you’re asking is, if someone happens to be of a certain faith or religion or dogma, that it seems like it’s harder to talk to them?
Matthew: Yes.
Dr. A: Okay. So, first of all, our job is not to in any way project any of our own feelings. So that’s the first question you have to ask yourself. And that’s not something we’re going to talk about here—but that’s something you want to do. We have a tendency to project sometimes, and we have something inside of us, right, that bothers us. So, that’s a great opportunity for you to be open, curious, and grow from that yourself.
The second thing is, our job is to help people create Optimal Health and Wellbeing—whether they’re black, purple, green, you know, male, female, from a different world, an alien—that’s our job. And our job is to do that in a way where we’re just simply there about opening up for them. So I always say: take aim to stay. What I mean by that is, we want to intrinsically motivate someone to know that if they want to improve their health and their wellbeing, we can help them. And so I just don’t—if someone’s closed, you know, let’s take the average person that’s really extremely obese, right? They’ve most probably had fat prejudice thrown on them since they were young, depending on whenever that happened. And so, they’re very sensitive to that. And so you may be—and this is a thing that happens when people first start coaching—is they basically go, “Oh, I can really help them.” Well, they’ve got to want to be helped. And if they don’t want to be helped, they will actually be turned off if you come up and say, “Hey, I can help you.” They’re not asking for help.
So our job—no matter what a person’s—any of their political—I never pay, if you notice or ever look at anything I write—I never write anything that identifies what I believe in. I simply take the principles of the universe. What I mean by that is the principles we’ve talked about: about what we value most. And that’s different for everybody. And so what I found is, when I take that off of me projecting and I simply listen, we’re more similar than we’re different. And—and it opens that up for us. Does that make sense?
Matthew: That does, yeah. Thank you.
Dr. A: Yeah. So just—do that, and just—you know, and there’s some—again, we’re all our ego, our personal mind—all the stuff we’ve been talking about in the last, what, half an hour, has been about our identity as it sits because of the stories that we’ve told ourselves of who we are. And that comes from a lot of stuff that, when you were really young, that you had little control of. When you were a little kid, you wanted to belong to your tribe, right? To your family. And whether you were there and it was a great family, or it was a very prejudiced family, you get this stuff put into you.
And the beauty of it is—now that, like, being on here today and asking those questions—you’re now on a journey to—just like I was talking to my daughter—your identity evolves. It’s a dynamic, conscious process. Prejudice comes from wanting to organize our brain, because if we can—if we can decide this is what’s going on there—then we don’t have to think. So we have a tendency to self-organize different things into certain stereotypes because it’s easier for the brain. Doesn’t mean it’s right. And it’s usually biased on what we learned as a kid or the people we were surrounded with, or where we went to school, who our schoolmates were. And the beauty is—this is like this exciting adventure you can have now to be open, curious, and grow. And if you stay above the—we all go below the line—but if you can recognize when you’re going below the line and transform and go above the line and be open, curious, and want to grow, you’ll see that the world will open up to you.
And even in situations where you know—you know you’re right, it’s not about being right. It’s about understanding, being curious. And by the way, acknowledging what someone says is not the same as agreeing with them.
Matthew: True
Dr. A: Acknowledgment means you’re hearing them. And we all want to be heard. So if you’re willing to do that and willing to really listen to somebody—like, you know, my daughter was—you know, they’re talking about some crazy thing that’s going on for 25-year-olds, and, you know, I might have said, “Oh, that’s nonsense.” But I actually listened to them. I was curious—why are you thinking that way? And then I was able to reflect on it and have a conversation where they didn’t feel I was judging them. So it’s all—acknowledgment does not mean agreement. It simply means that, in this situation, you’re listening to their side. It is so, so important.
Matthew: That’s good.
Dr. A: You’re welcome.
Matthew: Thank you.
Dr. A: Yep. Cool. Awesome. I love it, Chris. I love it.
Rachel: Alright, next up we have Alicia.
Dr. A: Chris is putting up—he’s putting up these little banners, and he said he was going to surprise me with something—and he is. I love it!
Alicia: Hello!
Dr. A: How are you?
Alicia: Can you see me and hear me okay?
Dr. A: Yeah, I can see you fine.
Alicia: Okay, great! Hi Dr. Andersen. My name is Alicia. Thank you so much for being here today and doing this for us. My question was: “How do you get over the fear of not being liked?” My—one of my struggles is that I have a hard time motivating myself to connect, because—what if they don’t like me? And the other part of that— I, I have a two-part question, I’m sorry. The other part of that is that my dad passed five years ago, and he left me with financial freedom. And so, motivating money is not my motivator. Helping people, changing the world—that’s my motivator. But I’m so afraid of failure, not being liked, not being good enough, you know, all the things. And I’m just wondering what your suggestion is on getting over that.
Dr. A: Yeah, okay. So, I didn’t really show this—I mean, what I talked about, I’m going to show you— I’m going to do this little diagram here. So it sounds to me that you want to create an environment where you’re able to help people change their health and wellbeing. Is that correct?
Alicia: Yes.
Dr. A: Okay, okay. So this is what you’re doing. Hope you can see this. I hope I got this. Can you see—let me get this straight. Okay, so there’s the creator. That’s you. And here’s what you—I’m going backwards—and this is what you want to create. Right here. Right here.
Alicia: Okay.
Dr. A: Okay, see, if you focus on what you want to do— is help people. It’s not about you, right? But what you’re doing is you’re basically focusing on you as the creator being the main thing, and the creation is secondary. So unless what you’re doing—your daily action and what you’re creating—unless it satisfies you and you feel good about it, then you don’t do it. So you’re paralyzed. And so, the question is— it’s not about you. You have the approval, you have the control, and you have the security that you need already. You already have those. You have everything. You’re wanting those and wanting approval is because you have an ideal belief reality that you’re not good enough. And the reality is: you are good enough. You’re a beautiful woman. You basically— like you said, you’ve got the financial wherewithal. You don’t have to struggle in that area. And you have a great, big desire to help people.
So the whole goal is: every time you go to talk to somebody, basically, why would you reflect on, you’re worried about what they think about you? You’re there to help them. You’re there to open up and have conversations and be— develop rapport and trust. And all those things have nothing to do with you. If you went, just to put some things in perspective for you, on the day you die, if it’s raining, 50% of the people aren’t coming to your funeral. People don’t really care that much about you. Okay? Other than, obviously, the people you’re in love with and your family. But people as a whole—general people— I’m talking about the population as a whole. Because the people you know, you know. And you have friendship with, and you trust them. And you’re not worried about them. You’re worried about the rest of the world. And the rest of the world is worried about themselves. If we’re in a— if we took this whole group and did it into a Brady Bunch, and we basically took a snapshot of it and I sent it to everybody on the call— what’s the first thing they do? They look for themselves, right? Right?
Alicia: Sure. Yeah.
Dr. A: So they’re not focused on you, whether you’re good enough. They’re focused on what’s in it for me. And what’s in it for them is for you as a creator to listen to them, ask questions, and have them understand that you care. And if you care, you don’t need to be good. You don’t need to be polished. You don’t need to be perfect. You simply need to care. And if you lead from your heart, all that other stuff will come with time. And you will get better over time. But it doesn’t matter. It’s that focus on that—you—this is what you want in your life. If you want to create in a world where you’re a leader in helping people, not making it about you. Does that make sense?
Alicia: That makes perfect sense, Dr. Andersen. Thank you very much.
Dr. A: You’re welcome.
Alicia: And, I do—I have the time, I have the desire, I have the passion, I have the willingness to learn. Like, I’ve got all of the tools, the knowledge, the wisdom to do this. And I just— I want to put my best foot forward and put the fear behind me. And I think that really helped a lot. To say it’s not about me.
Dr. A: It isn’t about you. Even something you just said there: not your best foot forward. You just need to move forward. It doesn’t have to be your best foot. You have to move forward. If you’re not moving forward, you can’t— If you really desire—if you want to organize your life on what matters most— and at the top of that is helping people— then that’s what you need to focus on. And that means moving. I like the word “pursuit.” Pursuit is— I like it because it both tells you you’re going somewhere, right? And you’re doing it. You’re in pursuit of it. You’re actually in motion. And I’d rather have you point and have a general idea of where you’re going, and then basically start going there. And you’ll get better as you go. Self-efficacy— getting better, feeling better— is secondary. And that will come with confidence, with success. But the bottom line is: even making the decision to do it, and make your first year, they like to talk about the gain and the gap— bottom line is, focus on what you want. If you want to create a large organization and help a bunch of people and coach a bunch of people, then— bottom line— it starts with doing it. Going into motion. And it doesn’t matter what you think about yourself. It matters what you’re doing.
You know, Arnold Palmer, who was one of the greatest golfers of all time, said:
“You can hit the perfect putt, but if you don’t hit it far enough, it’s not going in the hole.” So focus on making sure you’re hitting it past the hole. And as you get better, more of them will go in. You’re not going to help people unless you go do it. That means hitting the putts. You’ve got to talk to people. You’ve got to–look at the smile on your face when you get that. It’s not…
Alicia: I know, I get…
Dr. A: It’s not about your self-esteem. There are 100,000 books written on self-esteem. You don’t have to think great about yourself. You just have to do the things that are important to you— what you value most. And over time, you’ll get better at it. It’s literally incremental improvement. Slow, incremental improvement. And it starts with going into motion. Stop rationalizing— “Oh, I’ve got this, I got the money”— that’s all rationalization. If you truly want to help people, go help people.
Alicia: Okay. I’m going to do it.
Dr. A: Okay. Well, good. Good. And then come back—come in a couple months—how many people you helped.
Alicia: Okay, I will. Thank you so much.
Dr. A: You’re welcome.
Rachel: All right, next up—Maryanne. Hi.
Maryanne: There we go. Hi, Dr. Andersen. Thank you for doing this.
Dr. A: Hi, Maryanne. How are you?
Maryanne: Good. My question is about journaling. I don’t journal yet, although I’ve tried it a couple times, and I don’t know what the best—would you think the best mode of journaling is? I mean, I know you have our Habits of Health book, and that’s in handwriting. But you could put it in a Word document, you could—what is the best mode to do?
Dr. A: Whatever is the easiest, that doesn’t interfere with your normal behavior. I honestly, well, here. So this is what I journaled on so far today. It’s on a piece of paper. Okay. I could show you what it is. It’s pretty good. But these are some thoughts I had this morning. Okay. And then what I’ll do is I’ll look at them, and towards the end of the day, I’ll look, and if it’s something that I think is really significant, then I have a, I like to have a bound—I have a bound journal. Because when you use the kind of spiral, those pages rip out. And I want to keep them and be able to reflect on it. I actually found, it was interesting because I just moved into my new place, and I was unpacking boxes, and I found a journal from my wife, who passed away seven years ago. And it was a journal from years ago, and it was just a beautiful experience to read through it. Some of the thoughts, just in her daily life that were going on, right? And so it—But you should do it for yourself, not for other people. Don’t—don’t worry about journaling for other people. Journal for yourself. And then just find—you know, write it down in a moment.
When I snow ski, every day when I snow ski, and when I’m with my friend who’s an instructor, as I’m making progress and things that click, I write them down in notes, which is just a Microsoft system, right? And I write them in Notes. And then when I go skiing, it’s really, really—this is kind of—it’s totally off health—but when I get ready to go skiing, like for instance, I’m not skiing for six months now, but in the late fall or early winter, when I get skiing, I’m on the plane, I’ll get out my Notes and I’ll look back over the last five years, and like the three times I ski during that year. And I’ll have notes from there of things—progressive—I learn. And I’ll use that to refresh something that I don’t do every day. And I’ll learn from that. So now, when—in fact, he’s amazed by—I haven’t skied in six months and I go out, and I’m skiing really well. I’m skiing really well because I go back to my journaling. And the journaling doesn’t—if journaling is a hassle for you, then do it a different way. Draw pictures. You can use some of the new stuff. At least on the iPhone, you can take notes. Or if things happen that you like, just get in the habit of doing audio, and then it can translate and then go into Notes. I mean, whatever works best for you. But make it so it’s not a chore. If it’s a labor and a chore and something you don’t want to do, and you—it’s hard, then you’re not going to do it. But you’ll find—like, do it for a few days and then go back and look at it, and see how much it really informed you. You are the best informer of yourself and your insights.
Maryanne: I think when I tried it, I think I thought I should do it like every morning because people say to journal in the morning. And then it became a hassle.
Dr. A: A hassle!
Maryanne: Yeah. But I never thought to just do it as the day went on, and put some notes, and then kind of summarize it. That’s like a really good idea.
Dr. A: Yeah, I’m full of them. All right, well, hopefully that helps.
Maryanne: Thank you.
Dr. A: All right. Okay, who’s next?
Chris: Hi, Dr. A.
Dr. A: Oh my gosh. It’s Chris himself.
Chris: I’m asking on behalf of someone else. So last month we had a question come up from Michelle. She says: “I am going through extreme life changes—sale of a home, moving, empty nest, and divorce after 20-plus years of marriage. While I’m implementing these strategies, I find that anxiety is something I am feeling more than ever during this transitional period. Do you have any suggestions to help me during this high-stress period?”
Dr. A: Yeah, that’s great, and congratulations on that. That takes a lot of courage to do all those things, and that’s what you should be focusing on, is basically, get yourself in motion, stay busy. Work and bury yourself in the things that are important, and at this moment, find out what, again, what do you value the most? What’s most important to you right now? And then focus on that. So you know, one of the things is—you said you’re moving. So if you’re moving, that’s a great time to stay busy, right? If you’re moving into a new place, you can spend time. I know that for me, when I’m a little—have something going on—and I’m kind of worried about it, the other thing I do is I exercise. I find that if I have a little pinup, catecholamines and anxiety from something, I’ll basically exercise, and it takes the edge off.
Remember, the limbic area in your brain was designed to prevent you from harm. 10,000 years ago—100,000 years ago—everything around you could kill you, so you developed an area emotionally where, when something happened, your body would respond immediately and release catecholamines: norepinephrine, epinephrine, cortisol. And those things basically would help you manage in flight — you know, either run, freeze, fight, or faint, right? You do one of those things in order to protect you. Well, now we have all this stuff going on, so you have this extra stuff that’s building up, and you want to release it. So exercise. Making sure you get a good night’s sleep, especially if you’re changing environments. You know, make sure that you have — you know, just as an example, if you move into a new house, it may not have blackout curtains. It may be light at night or so—you can get yourself a sleep mask. Focus on sleep. So, from a standpoint of anxiety, you want to protect the organic things, the physical things, which is your brain, right? And you do that through sleeping better, making sure you’re eating healthy and not eating junk food, that you’re not caffeinating yourself, and you’re getting a good night’s sleep. Nothing combats anxiety and stress more than getting into deep sleep and getting eight hours of healthy sleep. So make sure you’re doing that.
And in all the transition, sometimes we don’t — because we don’t have a settled routine. Then, beyond that, use Stop. Challenge. Choose. When you start feeling it — you know, why am I feeling this and what can I do? Is it real, or is it something — because there’s no—anxiety usually is anticipation of worry about the future. And the bottom line is, you’ve made some great major changes, but with that, you also have a great future. And you should be open and curious about: what can I learn and grow from here? What are the things that can help me move forward and really organize my life? And one of the things, when you go from having a partner to not having a partner, you have more freedom to organize your life around what matters most to you. So turn those things, you know, turn lemons into lemonade and then move forward. And just small little things you do help empower you. They help improve your self-efficacy and will help you get through this period of change.
Chris: I think that about sums it up. That’s awesome.
Dr. A: Okay, we have nine minutes left.
Chris: We don’t have any more questions in the chat.
Dr. A: Really? Okay.
Chris: We do have someone that wanted to express gratitude. She says:
“I just wanted to thank Dr. A. My real intent would be just to thank him. Just a big thank you.”
Dr. A: Well, thank you! I love that. I appreciate that.
Dr. A: Alright, well then we’ll end early. That’s good. Everybody has many things to do. Hopefully you’ll take you know, as you know, you can go to drwanandersen.com and we have all these recorded. Chris does a great job of getting them up there. What’s it take, about a week, Chris, to get them up there?
Chris: Usually. I send it over to Marshall, and Marshall gets that up, recording.
Dr. A: Okay, so usually within a week. But a good thing to do is repetition helps you create change. So, a great thing to do would be to watch the recording of this. Hopefully, you took some notes. Work on some of these things. And the most important thing is, pick something in your life that’s really important to you that you have not accomplished yet. It can be something physical, it can be something mental, it can be going on a trip. And the summertime is a great time because everything kind of slows down a little bit. Find something that’s important, that you value, that you would love to have and bring into your life, and decide to go for it. Lead from that future, and then act in the now. And every day, make maybe one small incremental change that moves you towards that goal. So with that, you guys have a great week.
Chris: Wait, well, Dr. A, just before you leave, I lied. We had one last-minute addition. She’s lagging a little bit, but here you go.
Dr. A: You’re talking about Jan Paxton?
Chris: I’m talking about Jan Paxton, yeah.
Dr. A: Yeah, Jan.
Jan: Oh man, when we get time with Dr. A, there’s no way we’re letting you get off early.
Dr. A: Okay, what do you got, girl?
Jan: Alright, so I have a question for you, from a coaching standpoint. When we are reaching out to help others and we are focused on the outcome more than on the process, and we put out a kind of a “chase” energy, like, chase, like, you just want it so bad. And maybe our motives are pure, like we really want this for someone else, to be able to have the health that we have, or to feel so much better. But can you just help maybe us to understand a little better how to not get that “chase energy” and how to just settle into more of a calm situation? Okay.
Dr. A: It’s right there. Bottom line is, you’re making it about yourself. You’re not—you don’t determine—change comes from the inside. Our ability to influence others is minimal. Our ability to awaken others is massive. But to awaken somebody, you need to match your mirror neurons so that they don’t sense there’s any urgency. Because you have your story, and your story may be that you’re the most empathetic, compassionate, caring person in the world. And your expression of that, and forcing that, chasing that, is you trying to self-soothe yourself, and actually projecting something which is something you’re trying to create, which will help you feel better. And that’s not what in service of others is not about you feeling better. You may feel better and happy that you help them and that result. But it has to be, where are they? You have to meet them. And the true definition of empathy is basically understanding on their path, their role, where they are, and what they’re feeling.
And if you’re creating that dynamic where the energy being released from you, or from a coach, is basically having them move this way. If they’re not moving this way, and if they’re moving this way, then it’s about you. It’ll never be about you if they’re moving this way. Because this will be—what you’re saying or doing or listening is creating trust and moving closer to them. And they sense a sense of rapport. The mirror neurons say that there’s no danger here, and I’m being drawn into this because I see it’s of value for me. But if there’s any of this, you’re making it about yourself. Simple as that.
Jan: So, taking time at the beginning to build that rapport, asking a lot of questions…
Dr. A: Some people don’t need that. Okay, so I don’t mean to interrupt you, but we’re almost out of time, and I want to make sure I get this point to everybody. So it’s like playing ping pong, right? You bang the ball, they bang it back. You bang the ball, they bang it back. You know, basketball or whatever—a ball game. And bottom line, if you bang the ball and they’re not banging it back, then your level of interest in it is greater than their level. And there’s people you know, like, let’s say you have a girlfriend you went to high school with or college with and you know really well. You could actually—and she gained 20 pounds—you have this incredible relationship, you love each other — you can go up to her and say: “Hey, listen, I can really help you. We need to get that off you.” Okay? Because you’ve already established over time through the relationship that. But when it’s someone you don’t know, you have no idea what their story is, or where they are in life, or what triggers them. And if you go in and take your energy, even though you know you can help them, you can’t help them unless they draw toward you.
This is not like selling a car. You know, you buy a $50,000 car, and the salesman forces himself, gives you the deal—you keep the car because you just gave $50,000. Even if there are five of those cars in your neighborhood, you’re driving that car. Health, wellbeing, emotional health—all that requires this person to do all the work. You’re simply here as a guide to awaken, and then give them some pathways, and tools, and strategies, and tactics to move them forward to create what they want. Does that make sense?
Jan: Totally.
Dr. A: Yeah, and so, if you’re sensing that chase at all, the chase is because you’re projecting something and you’re making it about you. Even if it’s subtle—it can be, you know, really subtle. And if you’ve got someone that’s—especially people that, by the way, have not been healthy, people that have had a history, generationally, of being overweight or obese, or not healthy, or diabetes—they’re already, conceptually, in a tough spot. And they’ve kind of almost predestined themselves that this is the way they are. They don’t know that, over time, they can change their identity and become a healthy person. And so their defense neurons are up. That, “I’ve tried 15 things before, and I’ve failed on each one of them. Bottom line is, you’re just telling me another one that I’m going to fail on.” And so, the whole idea—and I was just talking earlier today to one of the executives—the bottom line is, from the very beginning in 2001, when I left and started this idea of helping people, it was based on principles of health and life and wellbeing. None of it has been gimmicks. None of it has been about individual products that are going to suddenly change your life. It’s all been about understanding how to awaken people—empowering them so they can make the changes themselves because you can’t make lasting change unless it comes from within. Period.
You can use all the gobbledygook things in the world—none of it’s going to work unless the change comes from within. It’ll work—some of the things work part-time—and a good—I showed in the one slide—the GLP-1 drugs can open the door, but you’ve got to walk through that door. You’re going to find, over time, that door is going to close, and you’re going to find now, because of sarcopenia and the different things that can happen, if you haven’t changed your habits and you’re nutritionally not sound and moving and learning stress reduction—your body composition is going to change. And it’s going to come back. And we’re going to have a whole history of ghosts haunted because they didn’t have the door open for them, or, when the door was open, they didn’t walk through the door.
So, bottom line is, that’s the whole idea of this—to give us command to become—two sentences I’ve been saying for 20-plus years: Organize your life on what matters most. That way, you don’t need a lot of motivation. When you value something very highly, you don’t need motivation for it—you do it naturally, and the second is: learn to become the Dominant Force in your own life. Full-body yeses. Do things that move you forward, empower you to be a human that can create internal stability for ourselves, and then move forward and help others. And now we’re at one o’clock. Thank you, Jan. That was a great question.
Jan: Well, I know I’m just one of so, so many that these principles have impacted. So, thank you so much.
Dr. A: You’re so welcome, Jan. Thank you so much. All right. Bye.
