When you’re present, you create space between stimulus and response. Instead of being hijacked by our triggers, you have the freedom to choose.
Video Transcript:
Dr. A: We missed last month. Lots of stuff going on. I was actually out in the islands in the middle of nowhere with my family and had an amazing time. And you know, that’s kind of what this is all about. It’s about being present and doing the things. And as you’ve heard me say for so many years, organizing your life around what matters most and becoming the Dominant Force in your life.
Today, we’re going to be talking about waking up, the art of being fully present. This is so important and I’m going to switch it up a little bit today because I don’t want to give you a didactic speech where I’m sitting here lecturing to you about what consciousness is, what presence is. I want this to be something that you really feel inside. We want this to be kind of an experience for you. And so we’re going to kind of chill out here and spend a little time.
So, the first thing is if you’re just jumping on this call, take a deep breath, just kind of relax. Get yourself settled in. Hopefully, you have some water there, and hopefully the room is quiet because, as you know, in America, everything is a distraction. And we’re in the most distracted time we’ve ever been, anytime in this universe. In fact, now with AI, I mean, there are so many things going on. You can get lost outside of your reality. And the cognitive part of our brain is really important. The emotional part of our brain is really important. And what we call the coherence, where your physiology, your emotionality or your emotions and your cognitive area are working together in sync. And that’s a real problem because if they’re not in sync, then it creates dysfunction. And as you know, I left critical care and reacting to disease a long time ago to help people create health in their life and become that Dominant Force and create health.
You know, there are two very different states. One is one where we’re in survival and we’re stressed. And in that state, we’re really just getting by. It’s a scarcity mentality. We’re concerned about so many things, and it’s just downright unhealthy for us. So, like I was saying, when I was on the boat out in the middle of nowhere and could turn off my satellite, be there with my family in this incredible place where we actually swam, and I don’t mean at SeaWorld, I mean actually in the ocean in the back of the boat, swimming with dolphins. And I got to see Erica, my younger daughter, actually had a female dolphin, brought her little baby, this little baby up and came up, and she had her tucked under and then opened her fin, and they had that experience where Erica was right there, kind of like my baby was there—baby to baby. And those are experiences that’s what life’s all about. And I know you’ve had those before.
I know they occur. I mean, you might come around the corner of a hill or a mountain and there’s a glorious sunset. You might wake up in the morning and it’s been raining and the sunlight’s beaming through. It might be seeing one of your children perform incredibly well in a show or in sports. It might be a moment you have with your significant other where you just feel that bliss. But we don’t have them very often. And that’s because we’re distracted. Almost every five seconds, something happens, and it distracts us. So today we’re going to do a couple of exercises. We’re going to talk a little bit about this, and then we’ll open it up, and hopefully, the forum is about you taking these experiences or things we talk about today and then bring your version on it or ask questions or want to know how you can do it better. You know, you want to be open, curious, and you want to grow because I can tell you that waking up—the art of being fully present is the most powerful thing we can do in our lives. And you know, I saw today that over in India they had huge floods, tsunami floods or not tsunami, but rain, monsoon floods and a million people were dislocated. We have the luxury of being in this country, where we have pretty much security. Yeah, we have bad things happen, but we usually have things in pretty good shape. Our technologies kind of protected us. The main thing we need to work on is in here [Dr. A gestures towards his head]. So, are you guys ready? Put a “one” in the chart or in the chat if you are. Okay.
So, let me ask you something. How much of your day do you actually live awake? I mean fully present versus lost in thought. Think about that. You know, science tells us that the average people’s minds wander nearly half the time. Think about that. Almost 47% of your waking life, you’re not really here. You’re somewhere else. We’re living yesterday or rehearsing tomorrow. Have you ever been driving somewhere, pulled into your driveway, and realized you don’t even remember the trip? That’s not presence. That’s autopilot. And most of us are on autopilot almost all day long. In fact, when we lay down in our bed and go, “Phew,” at night, where does your day go? We ask that question all the time. Here’s the truth. Presence isn’t just a great idea. It’s the key to freedom, to connection, to creativity. And that’s what we’re going to explore today. In fact, right now.
Okay. Bottom line is, what is consciousness? Well, consciousness is simple, but it’s profound. Consciousness is the capacity to be aware, not just of the world around you, but of awareness itself. Most of the time, our brain basically is not anything more than in the default mode. Our brain runs on autopilot, scanning the past, predicting the future, feeding us endless narratives. It’s like this inner narrator. It’s always talking. It’s that voice in our head. And we mistake that voice for who we are. Our thoughts, our feelings are not us. Basically, what we want to do is create presence. And presence is very different than that. Presence is the shift from being inside your thoughts to becoming the observer of your thoughts. My dear friend Jim Defner likes to say, “Most of us don’t have thoughts. Our thoughts have us.” They have a stranglehold on our lives, and that dial, that inner dialogue, most of it, even incorrect stories we’ve made up.
So why does it matter? Being present is the foundation of a conscious life. Why is that important, and why is it the foundation? First, it’s your personal freedom. When you’re present, you create space between stimulus and response. Instead of being hijacked by our triggers, you have the freedom to choose. That’s why years and years ago, I created Stop. Challenge. Choose. We have a tendency just to react to everything around us. And we feel that stress. And when we start to feel that icky sauce, rather than just respond to it and leash out and say something we later regret to our family or to our colleagues, instead challenge why you’re feeling that and choose. That’s what awareness is. That’s what presence is. It’s now bringing it back, kind of shutting off that reaction, and now sitting there in a calm space.
Second, as I mentioned in relationships, deep presence is the greatest gift you can give another human. When you’re really there with someone, they feel it. They feel seen. I can’t tell you, Erica is in the second year of vet school, and she was, you know, we spent time together on the boat. I mean, like an hour, and I was just fully present. I wasn’t giving her advice. I was just listening to her and maybe asking her some questions to reflect on. And it was really important. She actually, and then Savannah came over for three weeks, and Savannah lives in Europe, in Britain. I don’t get a chance to see her as much, and we just spent so much time together and she wrote me a note when she left and said it’s so hard because you’re the greatest dad in the world and I just feel so loved and cared for.
That’s by being present. It’s not—it’s no great skill. It’s simply getting all that noise and thoughts, quiet them—not that you’re not going to have them, you’re going to have them, but letting them go and being present. And the third, in performance and creativity. When we’re in the creative space versus the reactive space, we’re basically at our best. We can perform. We get into flow states. Those moments, you know, we lose track of time. When you’re at your best, require presence. Athletes, musicians, innovators, they live in those spaces. The quality of your presence determines the quality of your life.
Okay, let’s do a little exercise for the next three or four minutes. Let’s not just talk about presence. Let’s experience it. I want to guide you through a short exercise. Just two minutes to show you what I mean. Okay, let’s sit up. Sit upright. Soften your shoulders. We carry so much stress in our neck and our shoulders and that’s why we upper shallow breathe and it just creates this tense situation and you might have noticed you were in there, maybe hurrying to get on this Zoom, but I want you to soften your shoulders kind of roll them back and roll them forward and then close your eyes, if you’re comfortable. Take a slow, deep breath in through your nose. Feel the air as it enters. Now slowly exhale. Notice the subtle pause at the bottom of the breath. Thoughts may be already starting to bubble up, bubble up for you. That’s okay. Just notice them. Label them. Thinking again. And then return to that gentle state with your breath. Take one more inhale and one more exhale. Now open your eyes. Look around the room. Notice the colors. Notice the sounds. Notice you are here right now.
That stillness, that clarity, that simple awareness, it’s always available to you. It’s not about stopping thoughts. It’s about noticing them without being pulled away. You can do this exercise. So now, lean in to what I’m saying. Here’s the takeaway I want you to leave with: consciousness is the space in which your life unfolds. Presence is how you reclaim it. You don’t want to miss it. There are so many moments. You know, one of the things when my girls were little and crazy busy building this mission to help people create health, they would come from school and I might be on an important call or in the middle of doing a lecture and they would come in and I know when I made the decision to be fully present for them, it made all the difference in the world. And just so you know, we all have crazy lives, but just being there for that moment. And after about 30 seconds or a couple minutes, they would be bored and say, “Okay, Dad, see you later.” And then they’d be off to do what they want. But feeling that presence is so critical in our relationships.
So, I want to challenge you for the next 24 hours, once each hour, you can set it on your timer, on your phone. Pause. Take one of those conscious breaths and ask yourself, “Am I awake right now or am I on autopilot?” That one breath repeated throughout your day will change everything. Because if you can master presence even for a few moments, you stop being a prisoner of the past or the future. You step into the only place you are truly alive, this moment. And in this moment, you’re free. Okay. Hopefully, that was helpful, and maybe you guys, some of you will comment on that. Rachel, why don’t we open it up for questions?
Rachel: All right, we haven’t gotten any questions yet.
Dr. A: So, I think everybody’s just recovering. They were being present.
Rachel: Yeah.
Dr. A: Good. Good. That’s good. So, if you do have a question, just go ahead and pop it into the Q&A portal in Zoom, and we’ll get you on camera to ask your question live.
Chris: And one of the benefits we have to this new technology, Dr. A, is if someone on Facebook has a question, we can also pull that question in here and I can have you answer it live on screen. I can’t pull them on, but I can pull the question in.
Dr. A: Wow, Chris, that’s—you are Mr. Techno go-go gadget binoculars. I love that. I love that. Okay. Well, while we’re waiting, do we have any questions yet? I think I usually give a lecture and it stimulates all kinds of questions. But actually, just for a moment, while maybe people are coming together with their questions is, you know, it’s really important to understand there’s the material world and then there’s the field or everything else around us. And we spend so much time in that material world. And when we go into presence, we become so connected. Like last night, I have a bunch of meetings this week and a couple of lectures, including this lecture, and last night I was thinking about it so much and I said, “Wow, you’re not going to get a good night’s sleep.” So, I basically, fortunately, I’m very fortunate I get to live one of my “Organize my life around what matters most.” I love the water, and I feel that all the time and I could hear the doors were closed, the sliders were closed, but I could hear the ocean. And I specifically created that connection with the ocean and started listening to that, and then saw things start to pop up and then I would just kind of notice them and let them go, and the next thing I know, I mean, I was out because I have kind of a crazy life. And it’s so important for us to be able to take command and become present. And just that, hopefully, that little exercise kind of mellowed you out and kind of lowered everything and put you back into space. So basically, I see we have some questions. Okay, let’s go. Rachel.
Rachel: Yes. First up, we have Rick. Hi, Rick. Oh. You are muted, Rick.
Rick: Did we get it?
Rachel: There you are.
Rick: Hi, Dr. A.
Dr. A: Hey, Rick. How are you?
Rick: I’m doing well. How are you?
Dr. A: Okay.
Rick: So, on your thoughts about being present, I’ve been learning recently that taking some time to meditate, to just focus on that breath, and the suggestion I got was to try to do it for 10 minutes in the morning. To just get in the practice of being present and focusing on breathing. Do you think that’s helpful for this consciousness?
Dr. A: Yeah. Oh yeah. I mean, listen, we have a tendency—so one of the things in the Habits of Health Transformational System, I created the Model Morning and then the Twilight Hour, right? And during the day, we—a lot of times, because our lives are so busy—we don’t have a lot of time. We’re busy at work or we’re taxi drivers for our kids, you know, it never stops. I mean it’s kind of nuts. Unless you live on a desert island somewhere, right? Our lives are pretty crazy, but in the morning and in the evening, you have these periods that you can kind of chisel out some time for yourself. So yeah, I think it’s really important in the morning sometimes, you know, we get up and boom, we start, and then we’re on autopilot all day. So spending a little time to reflect on that, and if you can spend 10–and by the way, people that haven’t meditated, you don’t have to spend 10 minutes. You can spend one minute. I mean, spend the time. Spend the time that you have and don’t force it. And the idea is people say to me all the time, well, I keep hearing all these voices in it. I just can’t meditate. That’s not true. If you’re hearing the voices, you’re now separating yourself from the voices. And that’s being conscious. That’s actually now sensing that voice in your head, not identifying with it and actually moving it. And then every time you sense it, this is not a guilt trip.
This is about learning skills that most of us never learn. And those skills are such that I can tell you as a kid, my father was in the Air Force, and we lived in Savannah, Georgia on an Air Force base and the whole left side, where the runways were, was a huge swamp, and it was all fenced in. So there were no people or really many cars back there, and I can remember as a kid I would ride my bike–you bike out into the swamp. I’d say goodbye in the morning in the summertime, say goodbye to my mom, and I’d be gone all day. And I’d go out in the swamp, and I’d observe nature. I love nature, and that was my form of meditation. It was totally removed and fully engaged in that. And you know, as your life gets more complicated, you finish school, you get a job, get a family, all that stuff starts piling up. So you have to specifically develop the discipline in order to do it. So yeah, getting in the morning like that for 10 minutes in the Model Morning—another thing to, that’s really good, is when you basically figure out what are the three most important things I need to do today for myself. Right? So figure that out.
You can do that before you go to bed or in the morning when you first get up. Figure that out, and you can either meditate before or after. Some people do better after because they’ve now cleared their mind. But just spend that time and kind of notice when your mind gets distracted, and then come back to present. Yeah. The thing I’m talking about doing here is start incorporating it into your day. You’re actually using, you know, our breath, our respiratory system. Breathing is autonomic. And what that means is it’s controlled by the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system. And as a result of that, we breathe automatically. You don’t have to think to breathe. You do it automatically. But it’s a great way of finding out, where are you? Are you on autopilot, or are you present? And most of the time, if you sense, so you can start to use it as a diagnosis. Where’s my breathing right now? Am I breathing deep from my diaphragm? Deep belly breathing, where when I breathe in my belly, so a good way to check that is put your hand on your chest. Put your hand on your belly and take a deep breath. You should feel your stomach and your abdomen actually moving out. That means you’re taking a deep, centered breath from your diaphragm. Your diaphragm is this huge muscle at the bottom of your, basically it separates your lungs from your abdominal cavity. And it’s a muscle that you want to pull down and take a deep centering breath, like you said. And when you do that, then you take over and you kind of diffuse that automatic state you were in.
So that autopilot state you were in, you can take control over it. The second part is you can use it for your meditation and for your presence because all of a sudden it’s calming, and since you’re focusing specifically on that… It’s kind of like what a mantra is. A mantra is when you’re really—you have five different thoughts going simultaneously, and you’re trying to start working on getting control. A mantra is saying one sentence or even one word over and over inside your mind. And what happens is then your mind starts focusing on that mantra and all those other thoughts, the pathways that have them in these cognitive-emotive loops kind of stop. So it allows you to get that back. Same thing with your breathing. When you breathe like that, you take your physiology back. Remember I talked about physiologic, emotional, and cognitive coherence. When our body is in resonance like that, that’s when you’re in that flow state. That’s that beautiful state you’re in when everything feels great and you want to reproduce that.
The more you can become present, reproduce that throughout your day. It becomes critical. You look at athletes. Right now, we’re in college football. You watch, they have their headphones on. They’re literally trying to get centered, remove, and listen to the music to put them in that centered flow state. So when they go to the game, they’re fully engaged in just that. They’re not worried about dropping the ball. They’re not worried about any of those things and then they just perform which they practiced over and over and over again. So yeah, no, I think that’s great and you should definitely keep doing that, Rick.
Rick: So being present is a skill, and we can get better at it.
Dr. A: Exactly. Well, actually, if you’re—okay, if you’re on the beach by yourself, I don’t mean on in Coney Island or in some place where there’s a thousand people running around and they’re, you know, with all the kids and sandboxes and throwing sand and seagulls eating food. But if you’re on the beach or in the mountains by a stream, that’s presence, right? You’re taking in your surroundings. You’re sensing how you feel, and you’re just being fully there. Yeah, it’s a skill because most of the time that’s not your world. So the idea today was to give you that skill, an exercise in that skill. So you can take that and literally do that once an hour, and first use it as a diagnostic. Was I being present, or was I on autopilot? And I can tell you that you’re usually on autopilot. And so that’s the first thing. So it allows you to build that skill. The second thing it does when you did that exercise, and I think everybody on the call should—on the Zoom—should be thinking about that. You felt a release. You felt—didn’t you feel that? Didn’t you feel kind of like that sigh? Yeah.
That’s all of a sudden, all that stuff going on just kind of melts away and doing that, then, separates so you feel the difference between—now I’m not saying—listen, if you’re doing something, surgery, you’re focused on that. That basically is being focused on that specific thing. But that is very close because you’re actually, when you’re focused on something like that, you are being present, right? You’re being fully present to one specific thing. And intentional focus is the skill. It’s a superpower that most of us lack and most of us need. And it’s because we’re so distracted. So yeah, just by doing it every hour, take your phone and just have it catch you because it’ll be your own little monitor where you go the phone goes off and you go, “Okay, turn the alarm off and then what was I doing right then?” And the funny thing is, many times you won’t even remember because you’re so distracted. So does that make sense?
Rick: Yeah. Yeah. I’m going to try it.
Dr. A: Awesome. Good. Cool.
Rick: Thanks.
Dr. A: Yep. All right.
Rachel: All right. Next up, we have Christina. There you are, Christina.
Christina: Hi, Dr. A. So, my question is—and I try to meditate as many times as I possibly can—but I have trouble getting rid of the noise in my head. So, you’ve said so many great things and gave so many great tips on how to do some of those things. On how to get rid of the noise and be present, close my eyes, breathe deep, and let go and then just open my eyes, see my surroundings. A lot of the time, I have a hard time getting rid of the noise in my head. My head—it’s like it never stops thinking of things that I’m not supposed to be thinking when I want to meditate. What can I do, or what can we do to kind of train our mind to stay in that meditation mode?
Dr. A: Okay. So, I’m going to give you a little metaphor here to start with to make it make sense, like give you a different perspective. So, your thoughts in your head are your personal mind. They’re your ego, right? Your ego wants to run the show. It’s wanted to do that since you were a little kid. In fact, it found that what it could do is create stories to protect you. And that’s the ego’s job to protect you from reality. So, when you start looking to—first of all, don’t use the word try. Language means everything. Our emotions don’t have any language. Our prefrontal cortex has language. So, you’ve got to change your language. So, don’t try. Do. Right?
Remember Yoda lifting the spaceship, right? The little guy, little green guy, about that big. He could lift the spaceship, and Luke couldn’t do that, right? Because he was fully present. And Luke said, “I try. I’m trying.” Don’t try. Do. And here’s the thing. You have control. Your ego is specifically trying to distract you. It’s trying to keep you—it doesn’t want you to be present because when you’re present, you have the power. You have the freedom. You have the freedom over your relationships. You have the freedom to be creative. I mean, I know when I’m in my—you can’t be creative when you’re stressed out and reacting. So, you’ve got to diffuse that. And that’s why Stop. Challenge. Choose, when you’re feeling that “icky sauce,” something’s going on. It’s letting you know, and you want to catch that right away.
Same thing when you meditate. When you start to meditate, by the way, many people say that, “Oh, I just—the voice is in my head.” Yeah, but you’re now aware of it. That’s the first step. You are aware. You’re aware that you have voices in your head. And all you have to do is gently say, “Okay, but that’ll be okay. We’ll talk about that later, but right now, this is my time, my space, and I want to be fully present.” You have control over that. I know you don’t think you do, but you have full control. Your ego is trying to. It’s like the ego is sitting up there trying to be in charge, and reality is it doesn’t serve us well. It really doesn’t. You want to build—when we’re young, our ego basically helps support our ambition and our growth and whatever is important in our life. But as we start maturing, our ego should become in service of our soul. And our soul is to be connected to this incredible thing called life. And for us to gain control over it, we’ve got to take that back. So just like Rick was saying, yeah, it’s you’ve got to practice it. And it’s okay.
Listen, maybe now when you do it, you take your breath, you feel it, and for maybe 15 seconds, you feel how good that feels, right? And you feel, like I said, when you finish that exercise we did, even as I did it, and I’ve done it a million times, I could feel the brightness in the room. Things become clear, things slow down. I feel much more connected and clear. Right? You can use a mantra, you know, whatever works for you. It doesn’t really matter. But if it lasts 15 seconds, great. Then tomorrow, try to do it for 20 seconds at a time. It’s something you haven’t done your whole life. You’ve been running on autopilot, as we all have. You will find the more you do it, the more it’ll help you, the more you’ll feel in control, and suddenly you’ll become that Dominant Force in your life. People won’t be able to, right now we have triggers and basically, because we’re on autopilot, the triggers stimulate us and pretty soon we’re doing something that we had no intention of doing, we don’t want to do, and after that passing we go, why the heck did I do that?
You did it because you were not actually present. You were running on auto and your ego reacted and says, “I’m right. I’m going to be right.” That’s your ego speaking. See, I don’t really care much about being right. I care about being open, learning, growing and being curious. It’s a very different state when we’re closed and defensive and want to be right. That’s why, you know, I can’t watch TV, honestly, the news, because all it is is, you’re wrong, I’m right. You know, we’re right, you’re wrong. Your party’s wrong, we’re right. It’s all a bunch of kaka. It really is. If we really focused on what we want to do, it’s organizing our country about being great. It’s organizing our life and our health about enjoying the things that are important. It’s really when you become the Dominant Force in your life, everything changes, and it’s not going to happen overnight. We become codependent on other people, and the first thing we do to drop from being that is we become aware. So you got this. You got this.
Christina: Thank you, Dr. A. Thank you so much.
Dr. A: You’re welcome. Yeah.
Rachel: All right, next up, we have JoAnn.
Dr. A: JoAnn!!
JoAnn: Hi, Dr. A.
Dr. A: How are you?
JoAnn: Good. How are you? So my question is: I have a five-month-old daughter who I want to give attention to, and I want to be a good mom and, you know, I want to be there for her, but I also want to be present for things like this. Like right now, she needs to go to bed. She’s cranky, but I want to listen to what you’re saying. So, my question is, does presence mean that you’re eliminating all distractions and focusing on only what’s in front of you, or does it mean that you’re trying to focus on a priority one at a time? I guess.
Dr. A: Yeah. No, that’s a great question. Listen, life gets in the way. We’re humans, okay? You’ve got a primary responsibility. You want to be a good mom. You want to be a great mom. Okay? One thing is physically being present for your child. The other is being aware and awake with your child, right? Because we have a tendency, because we do this with our family, not just our kids, but our whole family, because they’re kind of stuck with us. A lot of times we react, we say stuff, we don’t really think about it, right? We just basically—if we’re present, we’ll sense the subtleties in a relationship that are so important. So in this case, don’t beat yourself up about that. Okay? Basically, what you’ve learned today can be helpful. It’s kind of like, you know, Abraham Lincoln a long time ago, I think he’s the guy that said this, or some very smart person said, “If you have five cords of wood to cut with an axe, spend your first hour sharpening the axe,” right?
So, what you’re doing by being on this call is you’re sharpening your axe. You’re starting to learn to be more aware so that when you’re with your present, because, you know what? You can spend a lot of physical time—and as you know, especially with a young child—you know what most young kids are doing and what we do as parents, we give them this [Dr. A holds up a phone], and all of a sudden, we don’t have to worry about it for a while, even if we’re right next to them. Well, that is not being present. That’s fully putting them into something distracted, not spending that critical time, you know, sensing things and being there. I mean, I was watching, you know, I travel a lot and I was watching a young mom with her child and I saw in the next place I saw where one just handed the phone to him and the other one sat there and they kind of were playing a game and then asked questions and their baby started, you know, you could tell it was sad about something and then she sat there and just worked with her to figure it out, right? So the answer is you have priorities and you need to organize your life around your priorities, and one of your priorities obviously is raising your daughter—it’s your daughter, right? [JoAnn nods her head, yes] How old?
JoAnn: She is five months old.
Dr. A: You had to think about that? [Dr. A and JoAnn laugh].
JoAnn: I had to remember when her— when we—we just celebrated it. So.
Dr. A: Oh, good. That’s awesome. So yeah. So, but there’s going to be times when, let’s just say something’s going on and, you know, she’s not feeling well, but part of that, by the way, by being aware, if you’re giving them attention most of the time, they won’t need your attention. It’s when you ignore them that they, you know—they did a study on secured attachment and they took, you couldn’t do the study anymore, but they looked at really young kids that were with their moms and they found that there were three behaviors. The kids were playing. They would then take the child away, and most of the children, when they take them away, would basically cry for a second and then go away. Well, it’s when they came back that told whether the mom was being a good mom.
Those that came back hugged their mom and then went back to playing. That’s secure attachment. They feel comfortable. They didn’t feel the need. The second group would cling on to their mom, right? And basically, that’s because sometimes they were getting mixed signals from their mom. In other words, when it was convenient, the mom was there. And so the kids were needy, and they didn’t have secure attachment. And then the third group were unfortunately kids that had moms that were like drug addicts and stuff, and really gave them, you know, were totally disassociated. And those kids, you know, it was tough for them. But the bottom line is, what you want to develop is this relationship with your daughter where she knows you’re there, especially at that time, because they’re totally dependent on you, right?
But so if there’s something going on and they’ve got a temperature, a fever, then you know what? I would skip this call if you need to be with them and watch it on video. You can still watch it. You can always work around it. But I think you sound like you’re grounded well. You want to be a good mom. And certainly this work of being present will make you—all the subtleties of kids, see it’s so easy as an adult because you’re up, one down one. You can basically tell them, you know, do this, do that, do that. And most of the time they do it because they are totally dependent, and it’s important for them to belong, and they know if they counter what you’re doing, then they don’t belong, and those are the lowest level of needs we have. You know, Maslow’s needs, right? Does that make sense?
But yeah, practice it because there’ll be times when she’s sleeping or you know feeding or whatever, paying attention, and then there’s the other times where you can—actually, a good thing for you to do is kind of check yourself is stop, right, and then sense. Take that breath and say, Okay. Where am I right now? Am I reacting? Am I frustrated? Did I want to go to the store, and now she’s so needy? Right? I mean, that’s your job, is to basically create boundaries, but be there so that when they need you, you’re there for them, and understand what they need, not just stick a pacifier or give them a distraction.
JoAnn: Right.
Dr. A: Make sense?
JoAnn: Yes, it does. Thank you.
Dr. A: All right. You’re welcome.
Rachel: All right, next up, we have Connie. Connie, can you come on camera? There you are.
Dr. A: Hi, Connie. You’re muted.
Connie: Okay. Hi, Dr. A. How are you today?
Dr. A: I am fantastic.
Connie: Thank you for taking this. I have always been a go-to person in my family, and I find that my priorities get put behind other people’s priorities. I think [crosstalk 00:00:36:10]. I know, but how do we get a balance in that?
Dr. A: Yeah. So, the bottom line is, you know, I talk a lot and we’ve talked over the years about the Drama Triangle, right? You’re kind of being a hero.
Connie: Yes.
Dr. A: Yeah. And that’s not helpful. Being a hero to someone does not empower them. It enables them. So, the two things you—giving you a couple little exercises. You know, Jim Defner, in conscious leadership, in his book, talks about a full body, “Yes.” Don’t say yes to everything people want because you want to be liked. Okay, they get to the point where they now basically take advantage of you, and you don’t have your life, right? You need to make sure there’s balance. So the way to start with that is, I always focus on what’s important to you now? Your family may be important to you, but the bottom line, you need to set boundaries. We all need to set boundaries. And so they need to know they can’t take advantage of you because if that happens, they actually lose respect for you and they’re using you. And so that’s not helpful. What’s helpful is to set healthy boundaries and then basically the things that are really important to you, that bring you great joy. So if you know, give me an example.
Connie: You want me to give you an example?
Dr. A: Exactly. I want you to give me an example.
Connie: Oh my gosh. Well, the most current one is my husband’s 94, and I need to do physical therapy that I do on my own, but I will find I will miss a week of that because I don’t want to leave him by himself if he has needs, right? I’m trying to find a balance there.
Dr. A: Yeah. And that’s a—you know, listen, like we were talking about in India. The flood and all these people, you know, things happen in life, and you’re dealing with a real issue. It’s not that you’re making this up, but what you need to do is figure out, okay, how do I take care of something that somebody I love so much and be there for him, but not become fully overwhelmed with it. Because here’s the thing. If you’re fully overwhelmed and you’re not doing anything to take care of yourself mentally, as well as physically, you should actually, you know, obviously get out for walks and do stuff. If you’re not taking care of yourself, then you can’t take care of him as well as you need to either. So, there has to be those—it’s again, it’s boundaries you’ve got to set.
Connie: So, he is being well cared for. The problem is it doesn’t leave time for me to take well care of myself.
Dr. A: Absolutely. Yeah. It’s absolutely critical.
Connie: Yeah.
Dr. A: Yeah. And you, and if you get sick, then you can’t take care of them at all.
Connie: And that happens. Yeah.
Dr. A: Yeah. So, bottom line is you need to set, you know, and you can do it in time blocks. You just find time blocks that, okay, here’s my schedule. Let me figure out what makes the most sense, and let me take this hour, these two hours, you know, and do it around the schedule so it makes sense. You have the ability to organize your schedule and then make sure you—every day, you’ve got to check. You’ve got—here’s my schedule. These are the things, when you wake up in the morning, when Rick was talking about meditating, wake up in the morning, you’re in your Model Morning, spend 15 minutes before you do anything. Right? Before he wakes up. I don’t—I mean, that’s your own…
Connie: And I do that. I do, do that. I have my miracle morning. Yes.
Dr. A: Okay. So, and as you do that, write down these three things I need to do for myself today, right? Physical, mental, and whatever. Something fun, right? Physical, mental, and something fun, right? And you know, whatever else you need to do. And then basically figure out, okay, how do I work that into this day? Is there anything on my calendar I have to get done today? And then work it in so that you can be fully—now, here’s fully present. If you’re regretting that you’re not doing something that you wanted to do, work on your rehab, your physical rehab, and you’re with him, you’re not really present with him because you’re now thinking…
Connie: That is true. That is true.
Dr. A: That’s why being present lets everything happen. That’s why in your Model Morning, in the morning, make sure you’re fully present. Say, okay, how do I accomplish this today? And sometimes you have to do a workaround and sometimes best intentions don’t work. But rather than beat yourself up, say, “Okay, well that didn’t happen. Let’s see, what can I do so that doesn’t happen again?” And, “Let me make sure I get done what I need for myself.”
Connie: Well, what I’ve done so far is I had always tried to make it to where he would have something to do while I could do what I needed to do. But it’s gotten to where that’s not possible to do that anymore because his needs are more. And so recently, what I have done is just have to say to myself, you have to get this done today. Time is a factor for me.
Dr. A: Yeah.
Connie: And then I just have to accept that I’m not going to be there for him for those two hours.
Dr. A: Yeah. Yeah. No, exactly. You’ve got to do that and do more of that. And remember, if it doesn’t work out, don’t beat yourself up. Have contingency. Remember, the obstacle is the way. The ancient stoics, the Romans and the Greeks used that adversity, right? Dealing with that and now that he’s more dependent, how am I open, curious, and how can I grow to make this work so I can have my own, because you’ve got to have your own presence. If you’re in a reactive, survival mode, you cannot thrive as a human being, and you need to take care of your own health. Okay?
Connie: Thank you so much.
Dr. A: You’re so welcome. All right. All right. Who else do we got?
Rachel: All right. Next up, we have Stephanie. Stephanie, are you there?
Stephanie: I don’t have video. I’m so sorry.
Dr. A: That’s okay.
Stephanie: So sorry. So, thank you.
Dr. A: Don’t be so sorry. Don’t be so sorry. Just you don’t have video.
Stephanie: Okay, great. Dr. A, first of all, thank you. Thank you. Thank you for everything. You changed my life with your program and your beautiful community. I—16 months ago, I couldn’t walk, and now I can walk, and I’ve released 150 lbs, and I’m actually healthy, and I’m feeling happy. Sorry. Thanks for the disclosure, Chris. My question is, two months ago, you talked about how we can actually even look at a picture that makes us happy, and it helps us become happy. And my happy place is trees. So, I bought a book on the secret—The Hidden Life of Trees, and I’ve been restructuring my home. But what I wanted to know is now every morning I go sit outside with my dog, have a cup of coffee, and that’s my meditation time. But what about grounding? Is grounding important? Like maybe putting your feet on the earth or putting your feet directly on concrete or is that something that would also help with consciousness?
Dr. A: Absolutely. And I refrain from concrete and use grass, soil or rocks out in nature. It’s, you know, the concrete city kind of takes some of that dynamic away. But bottom line is, yes. Absolutely. You know, I’m very fortunate. I always wanted to live on the ocean and now I’m fortunate enough to do that. And when I go barefoot, in fact, by the way, part of grounding is that when you’re home, and as long as it’s safe, obviously, you—and if there’s no insecticides out in the grass, you know, the more we are without our shoes, the more connected we are to the ground, right? Obviously. So, I love to walk in the wet sand. Sometimes I walk in the wet sand, sometimes in the summertime, it’s always in the wet sand because the regular sand’s pretty hot. But, the bottom line is just feeling that sensation of being connected. You know, we’ve become an indoor species. Our kids are out less than eight minutes a day, which was really tragic. And yeah, getting outside. I love that image.
I was actually, as you were talking, I was visualizing that. I have a good friend who is an internal medicine specialist, and she sent me a picture. We haven’t talked in a while, and she sent me a picture. She lives out in the country, and she was sitting out on her porch with her coffee and in nature, and absolutely, the more you can do that and get your shoes off, walk in the grass, walk on the ground that connects you, and it connects you to whatever your spirituality is, it connects you back to being aware and awake. See, that’s why nature is so important for us. And we should all connect more with nature because if we’re not connected with nature and we’re living in this artificial intelligent world where everything is structural and full of digital signals, we’re not connected.
That’s why, you know, AI will continue to grow, but it’s not sentient. It’s not that connection of emotion and coherence that we have with nature. And you know, I’m not going to get into quantum physics, but basically, the field determines what happens to matter. I mean, it’s as simple as that. We know that Einstein showed us that. And what I mean by that, that picture, that’s why I was talking about that photo. When we basically change our state, we change everything. We change all the probabilities. We change all the things that can happen to us. And it’s such a hard thing because we’re always connected to matter and to the material world. But the reality is the more we can be out there with ourselves, connected to this incredible thing. Listen, you know, the telescopes, the recent telescopes have shown us we’re this little speck in the middle of this big black void. And when you zoom down from—we haven’t found life anywhere else yet. And when you zoom down to this beautiful bright blue globe, which is because we’re mostly ocean and you see the greens. I mean, we should be so grateful that in this spec, that you’re here right now, because it doesn’t exist as far as we know. I mean, it does somewhere. I mean, there’s always the possibility, but we have such an opportunity to be fully present. And that brings what I said earlier when I was talking, that brings us our freedom. It brings us our connection. It makes us so grateful, so critical to our wellbeing.
Stephanie: Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate that. And thank you for everything.
Dr. A: You’re welcome.
Rachel: All right. Next up, we have Carrie.
Dr. A: Hey, Carrie.
Carrie: Hello. How are you?
Dr. A: I am fantastic.
Carrie: Thanks for doing these. These are so helpful.
Dr. A: Good.
Carrie: My question for you is, what would you recommend for me to tell one of my clients—I have a client who is very overwhelmed and her day just completely controls her. So we talked about a lot of things like the Model Morning and the evening routine, breathing every hour, and having a mantra. Where would you recommend someone starts who’s already overwhelmed? All these things seem like a great idea, but to someone who’s already overwhelmed, they don’t even know where to begin, and it seems like too much. So, where would you recommend they start, and how can we incrementally build in these good habits so that they can become more conscious?
Dr. A: So, how do you eat an elephant?
Carrie: One piece at a time.
Dr. A: Yeah. One bite at a time. Exactly. So, you just have to find something. What I find, especially when people are overwhelmed, I need to find something that they value a lot, right? Something that really interests them, right? Because when something is—we highly value—the things that we value highest don’t require as much motivation. If you’re asking her to meditate and she’s overwhelmed, she can’t, because, bottom line, she’s in a survival mode and we’re in a survival mode. We’re in a reactive state, and we’re just getting by. Everything’s scarce. Life is happening to me. And you got to start somewhere. So the way I would recommend is find something that she loves. You know, even those that are mostly overwhelmed, there’ll be something that brings them joy, right? Something they’re interested in. So find, explore that with her and find that one thing, and just start building. Start there and build it in where you find—depending on what it is.
It could be anything. It doesn’t matter what it is. It could be, you know, going for a walk. It could be holding their grandchild. Doesn’t matter what it is. And find that small thing that they’re highly motivated to do, and help them develop that and block out the noise. So there was a movie by Kevin Costner a long time ago, and it was about a pitcher that ended up getting hurt. But when he would get ready to pitch, especially when he got older, he would say, “Start the mechanism.” And what he would do is he’d actually stop all the distraction, the fans yelling at him, you know, all the things going on. And then he would just do this one thing, the one thing he was really good at. And that’s what you want to do. You want to find something so she can have that first bite and then have the second bite, and then help her work with that so she starts feeling some control. Because when we have—what you’re saying is she has full loss of control. She feels she’s a victim. She feels everything’s happening to her and as long as you’re in that position, you know, in psychology, we call that locus of control. When the locus of control is outside of you, when it’s basically, you’re blaming someone else, you have no power. And so you give all the power away. So you need to find something that she highly values that she wants to bring back in and be responsible for and start there. Does that make sense?
Carrie: It does. Thank you.
Dr. A: Yeah. And you know, and really this is good for you. Okay. So, this all works together. So, as a coach, you’re being fully present for her and asking her questions allows you to sense, okay, when is she moving away from you and blaming, and when is she starting to feel? You know, I’m a big—I love movies and they make great analogies and there was a movie called Gladiator. I don’t know. Did you ever see it?
Carrie: Yes.
Dr. A: Yeah. Yeah, it was a classic, right? Classic movie, and Marcus Aurelius, basically was talking to Russell Crow, to Maximus, and they had just—it’s the opening scene—and he’s just been in battle and he was weary and a lot of his men got hurt or killed and he’s having a private conversation and he’s talking about all these concerns and Caesar goes to him, “Tell me about your home,” you know. No, he says, “I want to go home. That’s what I want to do. I really don’t want to serve anymore. I’ve done all this. I want to go home to my family.” And rather than force him, he basically, Caesar goes to him, “Tell me about your home,” and all of a sudden you see the affect, you see him from being concerned, the stern look, to starting to smile and talk about his son, loves to think he’s a horse, and loves to play with horses and the place smells like popular, and he goes, you can just see him beaming, right? That’s where you need to go with her. You need to get to that place where something that excites her, because when we really value something, then we start wanting to take ownership back of it. So that’s what you’ll have to do with her.
Carrie: Okay.
Dr. A: Remember, we’re not—we said in the very beginning, we’re not psychiatrists here. We’re not—what we are is good listeners. We’re empathetic coaches. We’re about sensing where they are and helping them move on beyond that.
Carrie: Right.
Dr. A: Cool.
Carrie: Thank you.
Dr. A: You’re welcome.
Rachel: All right. We have one more question from…
Dr. A: Hey, Lynn, how are you, sweetie?
Lynn: Good morning! It’s so good to see you. And first and foremost, I got to say, you know, I feel so fortunate—I’m going to get emotional. Ron and I have benefited so much from your mentorship and all the learning and all the personal growth from this and from everything that we’ve done. And my question is that I can get—I think I’m pretty good at being present and having those moments throughout the day. But when you’re working with other people and you see the potential for them, you know, whether it’s a coach, whether it’s a client, whether it’s a kid that’s, you know, faltering, whatever, how do you kind of stay present? Like, I don’t know in their world or in your own world, whereby you can lead them well?
Dr. A: Yeah. Well, the first thing is everybody wants to feel relevant, right? And in this world we live in, because of all the technology and advancements and all, you know, it changes every week, right? We have something else, you know, it’s crazy like ChatGPT and Grok.com, and I mean everything’s changing, and so it’s really important that they feel that you’re fully present for them. And in the beginning, remember, acknowledgement isn’t the same as agreement, right? So, they may be saying some nutty stuff in the Drama Triangle, victim mentality, and all you need to do in the beginning is connect with them and build that rapport. And I don’t mean like we were talking about earlier, enable them. I’m not talking about enabling them in any way, but just being present for them. And that presence that you have, especially when we have a tendency, and our egos get in the way here, oh, I know what I need to do. I know what they need to do. Stop talking. I can tell you, right, what you need to do, right?
We have a tendency, because you’re a physician. It doesn’t work that way. And that up one, down one, more than ever doesn’t work. It has to be this partnership. So, the best way is that they feel connected that you care, and you do care. You know, you’re one of the most empathetic people I know, Lynn. And just that sense, you know, Jane Paxton is the same way, right? You know, bottom line is that sense, that’s your superpower. And just use that superpower. And don’t look for, you know, like Rick was saying, well, I never did this. I mean, I have to practice it, right? Yeah. Because you’ve never done it in your whole life. They’ve never done it in their whole life. It’s like starting off and climbing a 14,000-foot mountain when you haven’t gone up a hill, right? You got to start them slow. And the frustration comes because you know, it’s like, you know, taking a thimble and trying to take the water out of Katrina, right? But every little bit does make a difference.
You know the famous metaphor about the starfish on the beach? They’re all over the beach and the kids are throwing them back, right? And you know what? He said, “Why are you doing that? They’re all over the place. It’s not this one. This one’s back.” Right? Even a small little gesture of helping them make, may make all the difference in their life. It may click that tumbler where all of a sudden you can make them aware that they do have control. And that’s why—Stop. Challenge. Choose. You know, when I was writing the first Habits of Health and created Stop. Challenge. Choose., my designer, the guy that made those pebbles, bottom line, had a young son that was in psychotherapy, was a problem child. He simply just started using that on them. And now, you know, he actually did Prescription for Life. He did my new book. And he basically told me like six months later, we hadn’t talked about it, he said, “You know what? Just that one little exercise changed everything. And now his son apparently is doing really well. He’s in, I think he’s in Cambridge or something, he’s doing incredibly well, and he was a problem student. So you’d be surprised when you throw that, you help that one starfish, you know, and help that one conversation. Over time, it can change everything.
Lynn: Awesome. Thank you so much.
Dr. A: You’re welcome. Awesome. All right, we have two minutes. Does anybody have any one last quick thing they need? Rach, or are we good?
Rachel: No. I think we’ve gotten through all of them.
Dr. A: Awesome. Awesome. Well, listen, please practice this. You know, it’s your gift to yourself. It puts you in such a different position. It puts you, when you walk into a room to be fully present and be aware of what’s going on. It allows you to build your relationships. It allows you to get back in that creative space and start doing the things that you really want with your life. And certainly, more than anything, it gives you the freedom to be in control of how you live your life. So, thank you guys. Appreciate it. If you like this kind of format doing this, put that in the chat and let us know. I’ll see you next month. See you guys. Have a great week.
