You’re not your thoughts, and you’re not your feelings. You are the one who is aware of those things. In this month’s Conscious Forum, we take a deep dive into: How Can We Manage Our Personal Mind and… Make Life A Lot More Fun!
Video transcript:
Dr. A: All right. Well, good morning for those of you on the—well, outside of the east coast—good afternoon to you! And we’re about ready to do our monthly Conscious Forum. Today’s November 4th, 2025, and I’m excited. We’ll give everybody about a minute or so to kind of get into the room and get ready for some things that I’m going to repeat, that I’ve talked about many times before, but also some new things. And then, as always, the whole purpose of the forum is to open it up for the listeners to be able to contribute either in questions or contribute things that they’re thinking about. But this is all about us waking up and improving our awareness.
As it said on the first slide, I’m not a psychotherapist. This is not psychotherapy. This is simply the study of consciousness and we’re going to talk a little bit about that. So, let’s go ahead and get going. Just to remind you, the forum, a forum is a noun and it means a place, a meeting or a medium where ideas and views on a particular issue can be exchanged. So, what I do typically, if this is your first forum, congratulations. I think you’ll find some things in here that will stimulate your personal mind and potentially help you start on your journey, if you’re not already to being more present, more awake. So bottom line is I’ll do a little overview and then we’ll open it up for questions so we can share things together.
So let’s go ahead and get started. The topic this month is: how can we manage our personal mind and make life a lot more fun? And so that’s a good question and as you see Dr. Wayne Scott Andersen, a fellow human. We all have our thoughts, we have our feelings, we have our personal mind. We have our egos, but you’re part of— you are your personal mind. And some of us know this and some of us don’t know this. But, what we’re going to talk about today is understanding what I mean by being present—being aware, focused, focused on the world outside of us, how that comes in. And we’ll start off by basically talking about this: consciousness.
So consciousness refers to the state of being aware of one’s thoughts and feelings. You’re not your thoughts and you’re not your feelings. You are the one that is aware of those things. The more we can become that self-aware, the more we can consciously influence our thoughts and feelings and respond in a resourceful way to help ourselves and to help others. It helps build relational health. So we know about awareness. We have, you know, if you look out and look as this gentleman is, looking at a vase. You’re aware of that. I’m looking out. I can see the ocean. I can see my Peloton. I can see the TV. I see pictures on the wall. And they’re all very clear that I’m not those pictures. But when it gets closer to our thoughts and feelings, that kind of gets blurred. So let’s really just go over that.
So everything your consciousness thinks about, everything your consciousness is started as a sensory input into your brain. Not you looking out, but the light energy coming in. The energy actually comes in, reflects off your retina, goes into your brain, and then reflects up there. It’s kind of like if you’re watching a ball game out in LA, it comes through the airways, goes into a camera, comes through the airways, goes onto a TV screen, and it’s pixelated. The same thing with your organs. So if we think about that, we see the plant vase, we hear the birds chirping, we smell the cookies baking, we basically can taste the lemon, and we can touch a hot plate. All these organs are very important for us to be able to manage ourselves in the world. These are all things that we’re conscious of. Although I have to tell you that most people are not conscious of most that’s going around them. They’re more absorbed into their thought. And we’re going to talk about that and the relationship to that because that’s really important.
And just as an example, if you’re driving your car, when you first started, when you were a student, basically you had to know where the brake was. You need to know to keep your right foot on the accelerator and use the same foot for the brake. You had to learn to use your turn signals. You had to learn to steer. Parallel parking was an absolute terror because you were worried about hitting one of the other cars. All that stuff was very very difficult at first. It required practice. Now when you drive your car, basically you’re aware of very little around you. You obviously are aware of the stop signs — hopefully! Some people are so distracted and in their mind that they run stop signs or they run lights because they’re that distracted. But the point is you’ll drive all the way home, maybe be talking to somebody on the phone. You’ll get home and we’ve all gone through this before.
We’re actually at the garage door and we go, “Wow, we’re home. I need to open the garage door.” So, I have to stop the driving part and do something else. But through that whole thing, we’ve done this almost totally being very little aware. And that’s why driving is such a dangerous thing because we’ve got a 3,000 lb machine that’s moving at 65 miles an hour, and unfortunately, most people aren’t aware and they’re not even using their blinkers or anything, but that’s a different story. Today, we’re going to talk about the other thing.
Events, people, something happens. It comes into our mind. It evokes thoughts. It evokes emotions. And our ego gets involved. Our ego is our personal mind. It is, if you had wanted to define it, the summation of all the experiences that we’ve had since we were aware when we were really little. And obviously, the emotional part of those experiences, when we’re really little, less than five, can be very very embedded into our brain, into energy, inside of us because we don’t know how to process it when we’re really little and those things become traumatic, scary, and so they’re in there and they’re triggers that come up and that’s part of the reason. If we really look in terms of philosophical approach, all life is suffering and it’s suffering because we have preferences. We prefer things to be one way or the other. If we didn’t prefer—because the second rule is if you have no preferences, suffering goes away.
Doesn’t mean there won’t be things that happen that are painful in our life. We still have loose loved ones. We sprain our knees. You know, we have different stuff that happens. But the bottom line is the suffering part is optional. And what happens is it creates the Drama Triangle, which we’ve talked about. We’re going to talk a little bit about that today in relationship to that. So, we either project out, so we see somebody and we project our feelings onto them because we’re feeling these emotions that may be negative and bring up, “Oh, they’ve always been like that,” and then we’re projecting. So, what we do is we filter reality. That’s our ego doing that to basically make life more comfortable because we prefer things to be a certain way. So what’s happening is actually the objective part. What I’m making of it, basically, is interpreted to create a narration inside that makes you more comfortable in the world. It’s our story. Our story isn’t real.
A videographer that took a film that would be a real interpretation of what happened. But we kind of tweak it so it works best for us, because we prefer life to be a certain way. So basically, you know, unfiltered and you’ve had these experiences where all those thought processes have kind of gone away because you’ve had such an impactful experience going on in front of you, like seeing a sunset. You know, I’m very fortunate and blessed, I live on the water. I have sunrise and sunset, and the sunrises and sunsets are spectacular and they take my breath away. Sometimes I’ll be in the process of doing something in the evening and all of a sudden I’ll kind of see the reddish glow and the golden part and whatever I’m doing I just stop and I fully become present in that moment. Unfortunately, most of us, you know, we look at that sunset and say, “Oh god, I remember 5 years ago before we got divorced and we watched the sunset in Cancun together.” And so we’re on the left side and the cogs are going and we’re not really enjoying. We’re actually suffering. Doing what should be a very enjoyable experience. So let’s talk about that for a minute.
The unconscious individual means we’re not aware. We’re not removed. We’re actually in our thoughts and feelings and so we’re unconscious. And basically we’re reacting, and so we’re at the effect of we’re a victim mindset. Life is happening to me in the state you’re energized. The reason why people watch the Jerry Springer shows or get mad in the office or tell someone off and feel good about it because it energizes you. It actually makes you feel alive because it releases the stress hormones. You know, we have four basic “F’s”. Basically we can fight, we can flight, we can faint, and we can freeze. All four of those are mechanisms that were designed for survival 100,000 years ago. Back then, if there was a saber-tooth tiger, you better run fast. If there’s a snake, you better freeze basically. I don’t know if we fainted, but I guess we did faint sometimes, but usually wasn’t the best strategy. And then, of course, the other one is fall, you know, basically freeze and into a state. So like with a bear, some people say that’s the best way to handle a bear. Don’t move at all. All those things basically, now, we do those things not for survival, not real threats, but because of, in here, we feel threatened.
You know, you’re sitting down and someone goes by in a group you’re with and you say, “Hi, Mary.” And Mary keeps walking and doesn’t say anything. Basically, you can make quite a story in a hurry. You’re like, “How dare her not answer me? What is she doing? She thinks she’s better than me.” Blah blah blah blah blah. And you might even get to the point where you get up and go say something to her and then Mary goes, “I’m sorry, Sue. I didn’t see you. I didn’t hear you.” And that’s all it was. But we can make up some pretty good stories in a hurry.
[00:10:20] As a conscious individual, you’re creating your experience of the world. We’re moving from being reactive to what goes on to being responsive. And I talk about that all the time, basically becoming the Dominant Force in your life. Taking personal responsibility, radical responsibility for everything that happens. When you do that, the locus of control comes inside of you and you now have the power. When you blame or you villainize or basically you try to hero somebody, you’re giving the power away. You’re not holding the power. So we want to come from that victim mindset to creating what we want in our life. We talk about that all the time. Organize your life around what matters most and then go out and create it. So you take responsibility, you’re curious and you want to develop a growth mindset.
You want to learn from every experience, not try to make it have some negative meaning. So that conscious evolution moves to the point where over time we’re kind of— I spent a lot of my time now, “you’re co-creating your experience of the world.” “It’s through me.” “Life is happening through me.” You see more possibilities beyond just yourself. I mean I love doing this forum because, you know, usually, most times when we do it, it awakens people to more and start to understand themselves and take out their lab coat and their goggles and actually look and start seeing and vision and purpose that something bigger than themselves. So what is this big mission? How can it be part of it? I think we all are involved in that. Obviously, one of the things I’ve been working on for over 20 years is to help people optimize their health and their wellbeing.
So with that basically, “By me,” means that I’m conscious and you ask three questions. Anything that happens, these three questions basically settle everything. This is what you call upset technology. I’ve talked about this before but I haven’t in a while so I wanted to bring it up. I think it’s really important. Someone comes to you and they’re really upset. Rather than getting in the Drama Triangle with them and being their hero and say, “Oh god, that’s terrible.” Basically ask them questions. If you’re conscious, ask, what’s happened? What’s missing? And what’s next? That takes us from the emotional part of our brain, which is reactive basically to the prefrontal cortex, which is the part that separates us as human beings that puts us in position to build a rational decision. That’s what the Stop. Challenge. Choose., that I created so many years ago is about. It’s about when something happens, stop. What was missing here and what’s next? So that we know that we can basically go through it, get out of that emotional space. An unconscious individual, which is where 95% of the—all you have to do is go on any TV show, any news show, it doesn’t matter which one, they’re saying what’s wrong, who’s to blame, and how do I fix it?
So, basically, really important to see the contrast. And as you can see, there’s a line there, and my dear friend Jim Dethmer, who’s actually having, they’re in the process, I was just talking to him the other day of republishing that book for the late—the lay population<<<<???? but he talked about the conscious leadership, about being above and below the line and being above the line is when you are conscious. We’re going to go below the line. Going below the line means you’re closed, you’re defensive, and you want to be right. Above the line means you want to be open, curious, and want to grow, and we’re going to all go below the line, but it’s not that—it’s about recognizing and moving ourselves back above the line. That’s what’s so critical to do and that’s what Stop. Challenge. Choose., helps you do. Once you’re way down in the Drama Triangle and you’re really emotionally charged—very hard to get out of it by that point.
So what must happen for us to transform so we can really start enjoying our lives more? Well, first of all, we have to let go of the past. You cannot change the past. The past is the past. Best gift you can give to yourself is saying goodbye to the past. The past can be a great experience to help you build your present and your future. But the bottom line, the past is done. Stop trying to have a better past. It just can’t happen. Second, being present. Being fully present, letting in what is necessary. The only thing you really have full control over is this moment and how you’re responding. The more you’re awake and present, the more your consciousness, the better relationships you’re going to have with your kids, with your spouse, with your friends, with your community, with your job. So, it’s really important to have that level of awareness. It has all good and no bad attributes to it. And then obviously the future, leading from the future, there’s so many variables of things that can happen.
There are billions of things going on all around beyond what you know and see. What you want to do is make sure you’re you’re you’re figuring out what’s my compass. You know, I have a a compass here on my desk, but I can’t move it right now, but that was used by the ancient mariners, and I know that I use a modern compass, and now we use charts and GPS obviously, but the point is—and satellites—but, the point is, we did use compasses to guide us so we don’t know where we’re going and make the corrections were necessary because the waves and the currents will move you off course. And if you don’t have the direction you want to go, you’re never going to get there. So leading from that future basically is so important. So one of the things I highly recommend for everybody, to do this, I mean, I usually do it once a week on Sunday. I look to see the things I did this week, did they move me closer to where I want to go? Did I say full body yeses? I only say yes to the things that really matter.
In other words, a full body yes means, I say yes here. I say yes here. And I say yes for my gut. All three areas. And say yes to the things that move you to what you want because otherwise you’ll be so distracted because the world is one big distracted mess. And everything is trying to get your attention, get you to buy something and now with AI it’s you know it’s going to be a hundredfold that. So it’s really important that we now establish ourselves as the Dominant Force and we organize our life, so you’re leading from the future—actually organize your life around what you want and not based on what you’ve had in the past, but what do you want to bring into your life? What’s really important to you? Because unless you do that you’ll be basically building somebody else’s dream. You certainly won’t be building your dream.
So basically I like to use this because it’s all about microHabits. The reality is, there’s no one giant step. There’s no just ‘one breakthrough,’ but it’s a lot of little ones. First, focusing and making sure you know where you want to go and then making a lot of little changes so you’re changing your standards. Our identity and picking health is one. Health is so critical. You know, you have a mind in there that has a mind of its own. But the point is without a healthy body, your mind doesn’t even function as well as it needs to. You could end up being in a metabolic fog because you have metabolic dysfunction because you’re eating the wrong foods. You’re not getting out and moving enough. You’re not sleeping well. You’re having too much stress and all those things can affect how clear your mind thinks. But beyond that, basically you’re becoming a healthy person. So you choose not to have that hot fudge Sunday or stop at McDonald’s. You not because oh I can’t do that because it’s not healthy. No, you don’t go there because you know over time your mind is foggy when you do. That it’s not who you are anymore. And that happens over time. It doesn’t happen by itself.
And especially when it comes to starting to work on your mind because, you know what? When you look, your thoughts, your emotions in the form which are the form of all the things I was talking about in my room, those things are not you, but as you can see, thoughts are closer and emotions are fairly close, and objects are farther away. We want to be able to know that we’re basically observing. We’re the conscious witness that observes our thoughts, our emotions and our form. They are not us. They do not define us. That’s really, really important because basically when you’re kids, you don’t spend any time doing that. You’re out basically being aware of the present moment, you know, playing with balloons at the pool. All you have to do is listen. One of my favorite things when I’m getting ready for meetings and stuff and if I’m at a hotel that has a pool and I have a balcony that faces it, one of my favorite things is to open the door and listen because you have this den of just this laughter in the in the distance and it’s all the kids, you know, they’re in a pool, they’re in water, they’re just having a ball and they’re not thinking, they don’t they’re not in their heads. They are totally aware and alive, interacting with other little humans.
So basically, it really comes down to this. You know, we want to develop internal stability. So whatever comes in, we have the psychological flexibility to handle it. So if you have something bad happen, you don’t go off the rails with it. You handle it in a way, and that gives you external equilibrium, which means you can deal with anything. You can handle it. And that’s something you should get used to saying, almost a mantra you should say to yourself in any situation. “I can handle this.” And you handle it by internalizing basically, and then Stop. Challenge. Choose., the outcome that moves you forward. Recognizing the emotions you’re feeling. Understand why you’re having those thoughts and then move forward to create an outcome that creates equilibrium. You want to be the one when the house is on fire that bottom line is you very calmly get everybody out. You don’t get yourself in an emotional state where your prefrontal cortex is shut off because that’s what happens if we get too emotionally involved in something, then our rational brain doesn’t work.
[00:20:00] And just talk about the guys and girls that are on death row. You know, if they could have only “stopped, challenged,” for a few moments to let that rage go by, they wouldn’t have done the atrocious thing they did, which they’re now feeling bad about for the rest of their life. So basically, of course, 99.999% of you are not in that state but we all can work because basically when we can take our personal mind to the side and personally observe, be awake and present, everything becomes better in our life. So with that we will now uh open it up to Q&A. Rachel?
Rachel: All right. First up we have Mandy. Mandy, can you unmute yourself? There you are.
Mandy: Hi.
Dr. A: Hi, Mandy.
Mandy: Am I supposed to ask my question or are you reading it?
Dr. A: No, I’m I want you to ask. I want to hear you say it, because how you say it can be just as important as what you say.
Mandy: Right. So, I don’t really know how I’m going to say it.
Dr. A: Well, you don’t need to know how. Just say it.
Mandy: Okay, just say it. After the past 10 months, almost a year, I have been caring, with my mom, for my dad and we lost him last week and I’m okay. I’m okay because I spent, thank you, Optavia, I’m an Optavia coach. And thank you, Optavia. Thank you, Dr. A, for allowing me to work my business anywhere and be with my dad, in his final breath. I’m good at having fun. I will have fun with the best of them. I will be a kid and I will tumble down a hill with my grandchildren. I don’t have a problem having fun. I’m having some bitterness, I guess. And I have some healing that needs to take place with my relationship with my sister and a lot of it was watching this past year, wanting her to be present. She was, but not fully. And I feel like I’m having a lot of bitterness, maybe judgment. Maybe, I’m ashamed to say it, but maybe, “I’m better than you,” because I took care of my dad better than you. I need to know how to start healing that within me first so I can have a much better relationship with my sister. And the hardest part is I feel very intimidated talking to her because she’s in a women’s ministry coaching position and she jumps into coach mode and I need her to be sister mode.
Dr. A: Yeah. Well…
Mandy: Sorry. That was a lot.
Dr. A: No, no, no, no, no, no. Listen, that’s like—but here’s the way you need to reframe this. Okay? First of all, there’s only one person you’re responsible for. Who’s that?
Mandy: Me.
Dr. A: Right.
Mandy: Me.
Dr. A: Yeah. You have no authority over your sister. It doesn’t matter. Just because you’re from the same genetics, because you grew up together. You have zero authority. You’re basically projecting. You’re projecting things you have inside of you onto her. How she responds, what she did or didn’t do, you know, get into competition with it. That’s of no value. That’s all cost, all cost in your relationship with her. No—zero benefit. So if something is cost and no benefit, you stop doing it.
Mandy: Ok.
Dr. A: I mean, stop. The coolest thing about it is because you are working on this and because you are listening to this and you have been working on yourself is, use this, be open, curious and explore why are you feeling that way. Why is that happening? Because there’s stuff inside. Remember I said anything that was traumatic.
Mandy: Right.
Dr. A: Anything that was a negative. Most stuff you let go by. You know, when you drive your car, you don’t remember the lines on the road, right?
Mandy: Right.
Dr. A: You don’t remember 99% of the trees. You may remember one because it has a certain shape when you pass it multiple times, but the majority just kind of comes in, right? Comes into the senses and goes away. Okay? There’s stuff that comes into the senses that you don’t like and you didn’t like them when you were growing up.
Mandy: Right.
Dr. A: And so because of that, you either suppress them, you resist them, or you somehow don’t fully process them and get them in and out. And so they’re there. So this is a great opportunity for you to put on your lab coat and find out why am I feeling this way. This is not about your sister. If your sister came and shot you in the head, it wouldn’t be about you. It would be about her. And I mean, just to make it an extreme case.
Mandy: I know. I know.
Dr. A: Okay. So whatever she’s got going on, she’s that’s her own stuff. And bottom line, if she’s in a position where she’s in ministry and does coaching and all that stuff, and because, you know, until you were an opt to be a coach, you didn’t do that. So there’s also some of that going on. So if you really get curious, I think you probably hit it on the head. There’s probably you’re thinking, well, wait a minute, you know, you’re doing all these things and you’re not responding the way I am. Well, everybody handles, first of all, everybody handles events differently. The goal is how you handle it, not how she handled it. And bottom line is, the only thing you can do is, if you’re like this, okay, nothing good will happen. You go like this, and then—I had the same thing with my mom. I’m going to tell you, my mom and I are very strong personalities till I started studying consciousness. Basically, she’d come see me or I’d go see her, we spent about three days and basically then it was time to go, right? It was just. Now I absolutely love being with my mom, and she didn’t change. She didn’t change at all. I changed and now I love her to death. We just talked yesterday and we just got her a new iPhone. She’s 92 years old and she’s just got a new iPhone and she’s using it and we’re having fun with that and sending her pictures. My two girls, one’s in England, one’s in vet school. So, I’m building, I’m responsible for what I feel, not what she feels. But I can tell you, because I don’t argue with her, I don’t take the— I don’t let anything that happened, because, hey, I’ve know my mom my whole life. Right?
Mandy: Right.
Dr. A: So, there was stuff probably that happened, is probably reasons why, you know, that we did fight like that. I don’t do it anymore. It doesn’t matter. What matters is what I do. And what matters is what you do. What you do. Not what she does, just what you do. And bottom line is— and by the way, as far as grief—let me just spend a moment. You got to spend a lot of time with him at the end, which is awesome, because most people don’t get to. You got to be there for when he passed, moving to the next level. And the other thing, a really reflective thing that one of the thought leaders — the world thought leaders — talked about is grief can be many things but the the most beautiful thing about losing somebody is that all of a sudden all the other people, including your sister, by the way, this is an interesting one for you. All things that they were show up in them, and for me, you know, I lost my wife. I have two beautiful girls and I see her in them all the time. Right? So, it’s a beautiful thing. I didn’t really lose her. She’s here forever. Right? And that’s how you should kind of approach your dad. And also with that, it might be a neat area. You were talking about healing. It might be a cool area for you to do with your sister, right? And basically just look and see the reflections because there’s probably parts of her personality that’s in him.
Mandy: Right.
Dr. A: Yeah. And so the whole point is that as long as you are being open, curious, and want to grow, not be closed and not be defensive and want to be right, and you know, some of the things you said you’re doing. So, you’re catching yourself on those and say they serve no value. They do nothing other than worsen my relationship and the way I think about my sister, which is of zero value. I want to actually improve my relationship. We’ve lost somebody very important to us. I would love to be able to share that on a more conscious level. And that happens only by what you do, not what she does.
Mandy: Thank you a million. Thank you a million.
Dr. A: Does that help?
Mandy: Yes. Tremendously. I was, I’ve even felt like— I didn’t feel like I was being a villain. Maybe a little, but I felt bad for my parents. And so I was almost villainizing my parents… [crosstalk 00:28:38]
Dr. A: You’re being both. You’re villainizing and you’re being a hero.
Mandy: Yeah.
Dr. A: Being a hero for your parents. You see that?
Mandy: Yeah.
Dr. A: None of it’s good. None. Remember, and it’s in my books, the Drama Triangle is basically the victim, the villain and the hero. Right? The Empowerment Triangle is the victim becomes the creator of their life. You work, you become open, curious, and want to grow and become more. Right? The villain becomes the challenger. It’s okay to challenge viewpoints, but not to do it by making someone wrong or making me right. It’s actually challenging— let me understand in more detail. And then the hero becomes what? The coach.
Mandy: Right.
Dr. A: Right?
Mandy: Thank you so much.
Dr. A: You’re welcome. All right.
Mandy: Thank you.
Dr. A: Okay. Who else we got, Rach?
Rachel: All right. Next up, we have Betsy.
Dr. A: Okay. Betsy.
Betsy: Hi, Dr. A.
Dr. A: Hi, Betsy.
Betsy: I’m not sure. Can you hear me okay?
Dr. A: I see you.
Rachel: There you go.
Betsy: Nice to see you. And Mandy, thanks for that because I just lost my dad and had a similar situation with my brother. So that was very helpful. So appreciate that.
Dr. A: Good.
Betsy: So my question for Dr. A is; how do you help people or work with people whose “dreamers” are broken? As I look ahead to my future, I’m turning 55 this month, and I’m planning my future. We don’t have kids, my husband and I. And really trying to get him to be able to visualize our collective future together. And I find sometimes that his dreamer is a little bit broken. It’s hard for him to imagine what life could look like and so that we can take those little steps to get to that future that we both desire. But what I’m really finding is he has a really hard time thinking big and thinking, “future.” And I think part of that is just his upbringing and kind of the paradigm of lack that he’s had. And I’m just curious, what words of wisdom you might have for me to help him find his “dreamer,” and be able to see that life can be different.
Dr. A: Okay. Well, first of all, you can’t get anybody to do anything. So the whole thing is about making people aware. Awakening them to possibilities and, you know, when you— and I wouldn’t use, “his dreamer is broken,” only because that’s a stereotype. You know, I’ve created a story, that’s his story— that’s not his story. His story is that for whatever reason he’s not able to have the extended vision, possibly based on his past, right. So first thing of all, the past is gone. I grew up in a tenement house in New York City. I’m the only one in my family that went to college. So, you know, I could say, well I came from a family… So that’s just an excuse. So the reality is, your role is to awaken to amazing things that you can do together that are beyond what you’ve been able to do in the past. And that could be small things. It doesn’t have to be huge. You don’t have to go climb Mount Everest. You can go up a hill, right? Near your house. I mean it just starts with that.
[00:31:53] And it’s the gain in the gap. You know, there was a book written by Benjamin Hardy on that. And what in essence you want to do is to look and see as you move forward together in life, here are the things that the gains you’ve had. You’ve had a bunch of gains. The gap may be that you want to, you know, you may have this big hairy audacious— well, okay, let’s just go there for a minute. So, Bet, what is something, big hairy audacious goal that you’d like to go do or be or see or what’s something you’re thinking about that he isn’t thinking about?
Betsy: I think a lot of it comes down to financial stability. And I mean, we’re doing fine and thank you, Optavia, but also, just really, honestly just thinking about our future and being in our 50s and 60s and, you know, we’re both healthy and blessed in many many ways, you know, just thinking about, what does retirement look like? What does, you know, travel… those kinds of things. So it’s really kind of everything, just like…
Dr. A: Okay, so…
Betsy: Getting out of the current present and thinking about what… [crosstalk 00:33:07]
Dr. A: So basically you’re saying more he relies on these experiences of the past to guide him in the present and you really rely on the organizing your life matters most, about leading from the future that you want to guide you in the present. Okay. So you’ve got to find then, just find a couple things, you don’t need to find everything. I mean, obviously, if you guys are doing fine right now. That’s great. But the bottom line is, you know, when you— Is he working full-time?
Betsy: Yeah, we’re both self-employed.
Dr. A: Okay. So, you work full-time and there’d be a time when, you know, you want more time together, right? So, that’s one of the things you’re doing with your business is you’re building exponential growth to the point where you have more and more free time. So, basically, find a few things that you can project from the future. In other words, things that he does like. I mean, he’s got to love— Does he like sports?
Betsy: Oh, yeah. We’re, skiers and [unintelligible], professionally.
Dr. A: Okay. So, I’ll just pick something that I’m familiar with. Does he, would he like to go heli-skiing?
Betsy: We both have. Yep.
Dr. A: You have. You have already. Okay.
Betsy: Yep.
Dr. A: You loved it?
Betsy: Oh, yeah. Absolutely. We talked about going again.
Dr. A: Okay. Okay. So, stop. You just told me his dream is not broken. He wants to go again to something he loves to do that’s relatively expensive and he can’t do it all the time. What if you could plan over the next five years to be able to heliskiing once, twice, three, four times a year?
Betsy: Yeah! Come on, Dr. A. Let’s put that trip together. Let’s put the Opivia coaches trip together.
Dr. A: When was the last time you heliskied?
Betsy: For me it was a long time ago. For him it was probably five years ago.
Dr. A: Okay. So what do you mean he’s not dreaming? He wants to go. You both talk about it. Go heliskiing.
Betsy: It’s more about the, getting the planning. Like I think that he can…
Dr. A: Well, you could be the planner. He doesn’t have to be the planner. Bottom line is say, “Hun, let’s see where we are financially.” You know, heliskiing, obviously, is a relatively expensive sport. So let’s just look at our finances. Let’s see where we are. Bottom line is, you know, we’re fairly close. Let’s plan on going heliskiing this spring, right? Or next spring, whatever. Something that’s, do something that’s not going to break the bank but put you in position to be able to do it. So, and I would say from where you are now, I would do it this spring. I would plan a trip this spring and then once it’s there, put the money, start putting the money and basically that is one example of leading from the future, right? So you decide that we’re not going to do this because we’re going to do that, or I’m going to build my business 10%. So you know, so in other words, structural, okay, leading from the future, acting in the now is structural dynamics. Okay, it’s a process that I learned from Robert Fritz years and years and years ago. Bottom line, if your desired outcome is to go heliskiing April 5th and bottom line is right now we’re in November 4th. Okay. So, however many months that is, what are the secondary choices we have to do to make that reality?
Focus on the secondary choices with the idea we’re going heliskiing. Get that in his mind. And now you are basically dreaming, producing, setting goals, something that you haven’t done, but you both love to go. So, he does love to dream. He’s just basically trying to, he’s trying to be practical in the present moment. You have to create the structure for him. You know how to do it. You dream. You said you dream more than he does. Well, I actually, I look at it as you set goals better and you sound like you’re better at actually creating the tactics and strategic and tactics to support him. So, you do that part and let him be the dreamer.
Betsy: Yeah, I think you’re right. I think just having something where he can replay his and experience the belief that it actually can happen, you know.
Dr. A: So, well, it’s more, it’s actually more than belief. It’s actually, you’re creating a situation, now you’re going to do the work to take you to that. Belief. If I believe in you, if I can transfer the belief I have that you can be as successful as you want in your business, that’s good. You don’t believe until you actually build self-efficacy. So, you actually have to see the results in order to have true belief. I just want to be really clear on that. You can’t. Affirmations are no good if they’re a lie. Okay? So, I am this or I am that. No you’re not. If you’re not that, then you’re not that. But, I choose to do this. This is my decision. I’m leading from that future. And because I have a million choices I can make every day, I’m going to make the choices today that lead me to the future I want. So, in terms of that particular thing, you should run in to see him after say, “Hey, Dr. A says we’re going heliskiing.” And bottom line is go— I don’t know who you use. I use CMH.
Betsy: Me too.
Dr. A: Yeah, they’re awesome. Basically, call them and say, “What spring trips do you have?” And even if this year you go on a five day instead of an eight day, right? Go on a five day. Great. Let’s see what we got. Boom. Let’s look at it. Let’s plan it. Let’s start thinking about it. Let’s go skiing. And every time we go skiing, you’re doing that as a secondary choice to get in better shape to basically be able to go heliskiing. See, that’s how that’s how the process of expanding your future works. It’s mostly setting the direction and then informing your every day to that direction. So you’re not distracted. So it actually happens.
Betsy: Yeah.
Dr. A: That’s more important.
Betsy: Agreed. Thanks, Dr. A.
Dr. A: You’re welcome.
Betsy: Let’s go skiing sometime.
Dr. A: All right. Good to see you skiing. I want to see some pictures. All right?
Betsy: Okay. Sounds good.
Dr. A: Awesome. Okay. Who’s next, Rach?
Rachel: All right. Next up, we have Deanna.
Dr. A: Hey, Deanna.
Deanna: Hi, Dr. A. So my question— well, it’s good to be here, and thank you for all of what you give us— everybody, community, you, it doesn’t… it just… Yeah. But my mind and my conscience, whatever you want to call it.
Dr. A: Well, we’re gonna define whatever you say, I’ll help you define it specifically because when you know the language, you know the science, you’re more likely to get it right.
Deanna: Yeah. My question is, what steps can you take to be aware before? And that can be— you know, that dot dot dot, that can be any scenario. I have read, you know, I’ve followed and practiced in my LifeBook. I’ve done the Habits of Health and I reread, I also have done Dave Blanchard’s, Habit Finder Health, and outside, in books of Let Them, Let Me by Mel Robbins and everything, but I still find it hard to become aware before I take an action in speaking that causes…
Dr. A: Problems.
Deanna: Well, causes whatever, you know. Yes. But yes.
Dr. A: All right. So, that’s an easy one. You get the “icky sauce.” No, you do. You get the “icky sauce.” Your human mind. Okay. You have your subconscious and you have your conscious. When something— so, every five seconds in our life, something happens. Constantly. If you start feeling that “icky sauce,” where you just don’t feel right, tightness in your throat, pressure in your chest, tightness in your jaw, butterflies, whatever it is, when you feel that, right then, I created something so easy. You stop. You don’t do anything. You stop. You take a deep, centering breath. If you have water, you take a nice big drink of water. That’s what I do. If I’m in a board meeting or in a room and something comes up and it’s something that’s triggering me, I will always stop and drink some water, think about it for a little bit, and then basically challenge why am I feeling that way and then choose the outcome I want. And so the way to do that is start with little things. I mean, you know, if something huge happens in your, you know, with somebody in your family and they attack you at Thanksgiving dinner with a sentence that pisses you off, that’s a hard one to practice on.
[00:42:17] You practice on the little stuff. You practice on the stuff, you know, I’ve talked about this many times before. I live on an island and there’s only one way on and one way off. And in most of the areas, it’s 40 miles an hour and there’s older people, not always older people. I shouldn’t even stereotype that. There’s seems like there’s always someone in front of you that’s going 30 and most of the places it’s a double yellow line. Okay. I use it every day, every week and I basically say, okay I can get irritated about this. I can’t go around. I don’t want to do something illegal. It’s double line for a reason. There’s a lot of side roads and stuff. So, first of all I choose to do something in place rather than getting upset about it. I choose something like, well I have another five minutes before I get to that meeting. Let me think about what I’m going to say or I’m a little, you know, I get a little, “ick,” so let me listen to a great song or let me listen to a podcast. Let me listen to someone that I enjoy. So you’re fully responsible for that. You’re not creating a big enough gap between the stimulus and the response. And it’s not going to happen by reading. It’s not a— it’s going to the mental gym. It doesn’t— you can read all the great sages and say, “Oh, I understand that.” That’s not what this is about. This is about creating a gap between stimulus and response.
We traditionally, because of fear and survival, we react at a thematic level, basically either at the brain stem with a reaction or the limbic area as mammals where we have an emotional response and when we have an emotional response, all you’ve got to do is go to Element Four. Look at the three brains, the reptilian, the Labrador, and the human brain. And understand that unless you basically create that gap when you start to sense the limbic brain getting activated and you’re starting to react, if you don’t stop right then and your body will tell you, your emotions are energy in your body. They actually have sensations to them and it’s good to even get used to it. There’s a whole chart I have in there about, you know, identifying. There’s only five main emotions. Identify which one you’re feeling, challenge yourself on it, and then choose an outcome that doesn’t get you in trouble.
That’s fully your responsibility. But you got to practice it every day. It’s not a thing you’re going to learn by reading. It’s not a knowledge-based thing. It’s a practical— okay. You can read how to do bicep lifts, right? Or bench presses. You can read all you want about bench presses, but it doesn’t build your muscles, right?
Deanna: Right. Agreed.
Dr. A: To build your psychological flexibility, and that’s what we’re talking about, only happens through practice. It’s going to the mental gym every day. So, start picking little things that irritate you. And then there’s three ways you can negotiate through. One is to substitute something positive like I just talked about. The second is do a mantra. Do something, use one word. If you have a bunch of stuff going on in your head, do a mantra, just simply means take one word that you’re saying to yourself, some word that’s special for you. It can be spirituality. It can be God. It can be whatever. Whatever matters to you. It’s different for each one. And repeat that over and over. And as you do that, all those other thoughts will dissipate because you’re focusing on that one. That’s the second one. And the third one, the hardest one, but the one that’s the most successful is the one where I talked about earlier where you just become the witness of it. You sit there and witness it and you basically totally release it. You don’t let it take. You don’t let it get you. You don’t suppress it. You don’t resist it. You simply feel the feeling all the way through and then you let it go. And then also the other part of that, is that will give you— those are breadcrumbs, just like we were talking about earlier with Betsy. Those are the breadcrumbs — not Betsy, with Mara — the breadcrumbs that actually will lead you to that stuff you’ve got inside of you, that’s been there forever, that you can start working on and releasing. And a lot of this, the best way to do it is breath work. Nice deep, centering breaths.
You’ll know because if you’re starting to get reacted, your breathing will become shallow. It’ll be up high and it’ll be rapid. And the best thing you can do then is slow your breathing way down. Take a deep belly breath where you actually feel your belly going out. Your diaphragm goes down and then you release that. And when you release that, you release that emotion with it so it doesn’t become reactive and you keep your mouth shut. Right.
Deanna: That’s hard for me to do. But yes.
Dr. A: It’s hard for all— listen, you’re a human. Don’t think you’re some special character. We all have that. Okay? You got to work on that. That’s part of what we call socialization, right? When you’re five years old, you know, the golden rule for kids is you don’t steal other kids things, you don’t hit other kids. Same thing with your mouth. You don’t do your terse barbs that you can do just because you can do them. You stop doing them because you want to build internal stability and external equilibrium. That’s what creates your— first of all, three main reasons. First, for your own health. When you’re stressed and you become in a reactive phase. It is really harmful for you. It is really bad for us. It releases cortisol, epinephrine, all these things that raise your blood pressure. Create insulin resistance. It goes on and on, I can go on for an hour. Second thing is basically it affects your relational health. Not just your health, relational health with other people which is really, really important. And then the third obviously is your ability to do your job and help people or whatever it is you do. It’s important for you so you can have good relationships with the people that you care about. Cool? [crosstalk 00:48:44]
Deanna: Thank you, Dr. A.
Dr. A: You’re welcome. So, Deanna, just pick one— I’ll tell you even a better thing— today, don’t even try to work on it. Just observe yourself. It’s a good thing, is— listen, I have a journal. I have a journal right here on my desk and basically I will write down things and then at the end of the day like let’s say a couple things I’m working on right now. So basically I’ll write down, did I get those things done? And if I didn’t, what were the things that happened during the day that I wrote down here? Because it’s a great way to kind of summarize your day and you can do it with your phone, you can do it with notes, you can do it, whatever, it doesn’t matter. I do it. I write it because that way I like to visually look at it, but the bottom line is, we’re all humans. That’s the misconception. The people that seem to have their stuff together are those that basically have worked the longest on it. Just like those that can go in and lift the most weight in the gym. They’re the ones that have worked the hardest on it. Same thing with your whole relational health. It’s all about going to the mental gym and getting better. And you’re not going to be great. You’re going to still mess up. But here’s a good thing about that. When you do mess up, write down what was the trigger so that you now have an idea. It’s like rattlesnakes, right? If you’re on a trail in a swamp where there’s rattlesnakes, you know, in this area, you better be more observant. If you’re in an area or doing something or meeting with somebody that normally your relationships, like rattlesnakes, you need to know that I need to be extra, extra cautious and careful. I need to be more on my a-game, I need to be more aware before anything happens. Okay?
Deanna: Got it. Thank you, Dr. A. And yes, I will start with the little things and journal. I trust me, I’ve made a great improvement on myself to become aware…
Dr. A: Good!
Deanna: But there are more often times that I don’t. So, it’s like what am I doing that I’m not becoming aware, prior? But this is helpful. So, I appreciate it.
Dr. A: Remember, your body will tell you. Let your body tell you. It’ll always tell you. Get more aware of your body, how it’s sensing, how it’s feeling. Do some exercises where— basically progressive targeted meditation on feeling your fingers, your hands, different parts of your, sematic parts of your body so that you’re more aware when something’s going haywire because it’ll tell you right away that your emotions, remember your limbic part of your brain is before your prefrontal cortex. It was designed that way so that you could react. So that rattlesnake— you didn’t go, “Oh, look how pretty that rattlesnake is.” No, you jump back in a caustic relationship or something you have an issue with. It will tell you if you’re going haywire right from the beginning. And the most important thing you can do is stop. Stop talking. Stop acting. Take those breaths. Get control. Remember, you’re wrestling back control of the thought part of your brain, so you can make a choice that supports long-term relational health, all of your health. Okay?
Deanna: Thank you.
Dr. A: You’re welcome. All right. Good luck on that.
Deanna: Thank you.
Dr. A: Yeah. Okay, Great. Rach, who else we got?
Rachel: All right, we have Karen. Hi, Karen.
Karen: Hi, Dr. A. Hi, thank you. Okay, I really don’t have a question. I’m here because I asked you a question about a year or so ago, due to some family stuff that had been going on and your suggestion was to go get professional help and I was in resistance. I really was. Life had been turned inside out for me. My heart had just been ripped out and so I’ve been doing a lot, of course, I’ve been a part of Optavia for 11 years. I enjoy all of the opportunities we have for learning from you, and Dave Blanchard, and everything. But finally, about two months ago, I decided to go — it could have been a little under — to go get some professional help, and boy, the thing that happened was our son had quit coming over with his family. I babysat for him two days a week. And it was just I never felt anything so hard in my life to deal with. Then that was bringing up triggers of other trauma that happened when I was in my first marriage. And so there was just so much going on and I just felt like I couldn’t manage. And now my son is back in our life after a year and a half. And I really work hard at not saying, “Well, I didn’t say that or I didn’t do that.” It’s more like, “Tell me more about that. What did you want to have happen? What was your expectations?” All the things we talk about. And it has made a huge, huge difference in our relationship at this point.
And so thank you for that direction, to go get professional help. Again, I’ve only gone like four times, so I think I’m just more open and curious than I was before. Before it was like I don’t want to talk about this with anybody, but now it’s been a little bit easier. And so thank you for sharing that information with me. And then of course all the questions that get asked here touch my life also in different situations. Losing my mom, bringing my dad who’s 92 into our home and the things like that that also add to all those stresses, that create those different triggers and emotions to manifest. So that’s all I want to do is just thank you for your input and your suggestion.
Dr. A: Well, I love that, Karen. And I love— thank you for going over that and talking about that. Yeah, we all need mentors for different things in our life. And sometimes we’ve had a lot of things happen to us. It’s really important, you know, I mean, I sit here in general terms and talk about how our mind works and our brain works. But when there’s specific stuff like that, you know, you basically weren’t receptive to it for a while. And sometimes just by taking the edges off and you start to see, wow, this is helping me, but what I need is specific, targeted— with someone that is a psychotherapist, right? And so, yeah, I love to hear that because the journey to health, to mental, just feeling, you know, this sense of wellbeing is so critical for our long-term health.
And so I love that. I love it. Continue it and embrace it. Like, I used the word curious in there. I love that. That means you’re starting to function in a conscious way and want to learn more about yourself, and knowing that— again, looking back to that simple little model of internal stability and external equilibrium, right? As you become more internally stable then the equilibrium on the outside, with your kids and stuff, would become greater. So you’re really a great example of if you do the work inside, it’ll improve your ability to have external equilibrium with the world around you and specifically with our loved ones, our relationships, our friends, our co-workers, and people that are very important to our daily life. So it’s really exciting for you and congratulations, that you’ve had the courage to step up and do that. It’s really pretty impressive.
Karen: Thank you. I do have one quick question. When we talk about cortisol release, does that happen when, and I know this is going to sound silly, but like when we’re watching an intense movie or a football game and you get really intense, does that release cortisol as well?
Dr. A: You’ll have a little bit… cortisol. Well, cortisol basically, it gets a bad name, but cortisol is an important hormone. If you look, you know, when I was writing My Prescription for Life I wore, in fact, I have it on right now. I have it on.
Karen: Yeah.
Dr. A: I use it to monitor everything I eat, to make sure I optimize my metabolic health. And in the morning your cortisol level, around 4:00– depending, if you sleep 8 hours in normal time period around 4 or 5 in the morning your glucose starts going up, preparing you for the day, and cortisol is being released then and what it does is it kind of bays and protects us against stress, against getting up and moving, the waking up process. So it’s normal then. Cortisol under stress is released and that’s negative. Most of the things, if you’re watching a movie or something, and you know, it’s not reality, right? Then it might get a little jolt of epinephrine, norepinephrine and probably maybe a little spike, but it won’t be chronic, right? It’ll be in response to what the visual is. And because it’s not chronic— see, what happens with our stress level. It’s usually creates cognitive emotive loops.
So we start thinking about it, and then we get emotional about it, and then that loop just starts building and yes, cortisol is released during that and it’s continual and it’s really bad for you. A little pulse of cortisol, if you got the hell scared out of you on a roller coaster or watching a scary movie, probably is not going to have any long-term effect on you.
Karen: Okay, good. I just, that’s something I just always wanted to ask somebody because, yeah. But thank you again. I sure appreciate all of these conscious forums and I’m looking forward to your new book, too.
Dr. A: Awesome. Well, it’s coming out November 13th.
Karen: Yep. I’m ready!
Dr. A: Thank you.
Karen: Thank you. Have a good day, Dr. A.
Dr. A: Thank you so much. Okay. Who else we got, Rach? We got time for one.
Rachel: We have one more if we can squeeze Allison in.
Dr. A: Yeah, I’ll probably be a little briefer so we stop on time. [crosstalk 00:59:11] Let’s see what you got.
Allison: My question in a nutshell is, how do I get out of my own way? Basically, I know my thoughts are counterproductive rationally. I know that they don’t serve me. I know that the what-ifs are just keeping me stuck. But yet I seem to always think in that way about making changes in my life, moving forward in my life, letting go of the— my children are grown, they have families of their own. And I seem to fall back into that, Oh, I wish I could go back. If only I’d done this differently or we’d live closer or we, you know, I fall back into that pattern. And I’ve discussed this with my awesome coach and I know the past is the past, but how do I tell my whole brain that?
Dr. A: Well, I mean we talked about a lot of it today actually. You know this, and by the way, these are recorded. You can go to my website and watch these as many times as you want. So that would probably be good. But here’s the most important thing, you have a desire to do that. Right now you have a very strong personal mind that is holding on to its experiences from the past. And as long as you’re living in the past, you’re going to suffer a lot because the past is gone. Things that your— the way your ego and your personal mind want them, it’s not that way anymore. So you’re going to suffer because you prefer for those things to be from the past. So if you stay in that space, you’re not going to be happy. You’re going to be miserable. So the first thing is the gift to yourself is to realize that you know don’t you want wouldn’t you rather be happy than miserable.
Allison: Yeah. Of course.
Dr. A: Okay. So, no, I mean, of course, but you haven’t said that to your ego. You haven’t talked to your mind and said, “Hey, I’m tired of suffering. I want to move on.” And what would be really good is find a couple things that you really like to do. You know, that bring you joy and focus on those things and then use those to help put your personal mind back in perspective. So, what’s one thing that you would love to do that you’re not doing right now?
Allison: Working.
Dr. A: You would like to not work?
Allison: No, I would like to work. I’ve been out of work since June and I would like to work.
Dr. A: Okay. What do you like? Okay. So, that’s a great thing. So find something that you like to do and basically, you know, go for it, and focus on this is what I want. This is my future. This is what I really want. And basically, put that into your formula so that, and understand this, this is really important, Allison. You’re not going to wiggle your nose like, “I Dream of Genie” and everything’s going to be great. Okay? But, in slow incremental improvement leads you that way. Okay? And when we talk about above and below the line, open, curious, and want to grow. So if you want to work, which would be good because then you have a new job and you want to be open, curious, and you want to grow and get better at it. That’s a beautiful gift to yourself and that will put you into joy in the current moment as you’re learning and growing. So that’s a beautiful thing. Yeah, without that right now you have basically your ego saying, “Hey, I’m trying to protect you and to give you self-worth,” and where we got that was in the past. So it’s— but you know, what came first, the chicken or the egg? Well, okay, so, since that’s true, that would be a great thing to start with. Find a job, even if it’s not the perfect one, find something you like to do in the arena. Whether it’s work with people or whatever, animals, in the food industry, I don’t know, whatever it is you like, get that going and use that because you need something constructive to build on. Leading from that future and then where every day you wake up and you have meaning. Without meaning and purpose, daily in our life basically— and like you said, your kids are all grown, they’ve got their own lives. So you feel kind of a little bit like you’re insignificant in the world and that and you don’t want to be there and that you have full control over.
Allison: Okay. Yep. I appreciate it.
Dr. A: Start there and then come back on. Get a job. Come back on and let’s talk more.
Allison: All right. Sounds good. Thanks.
Dr. A: All right. Thanks. All right. See you. All right, guys. Hopefully that was helpful. Lots of great discussions. Thank you for contributing. Bottom line, I’ll leave you with this: our personal mind was there to protect us when we were young and we didn’t really understand things. Where we are now in our life is determined by us. We make the choices. We decide where we want to go. I always say two things. Organize your life around what matters most. What are the things that are most important in your life? Schedule those forever, how long— just like we talked about the heli-trip. It can be, you know, going on a European vacation. It can be, you know, living on the water. Whatever. Whatever is important. It’s going to be different for each and every one of us. And then put yourself in position to lead from that future, take full responsibility and be the Dominant Force in your life. And say no to the things that aren’t leading you, that are distracting you. Because every day there’s more AI, there’s more ChatGPT, there’s more TikTok. It goes on and on and on. And if we’re not focused on where we want to go and what’s important to us and what we value most, then someone else will have us focused on something that doesn’t do that for us. So, start there. Start having more fun. Do the things that you enjoy doing. And God bless. And I’ll see you next month. Bye.
