In this session, we explore a question that may be one of the most important questions you’ll ever ask yourself. Are you willing to let go?
Video Transcript:
Dr. A: Twenty-six. I believe last month we reverted back to the year before and it was 2025. So we want to make sure we know what year we’re in! And as you know, every year we rotate the sun one time. So in our revolution around the sun, the question is each year, do we become more fulfilled, happier, or is life getting more stressful? And that’s a question we should always ask ourselves, because are we overcomplicating life or are we understanding that life is this amazing gift we have? And so today I’m going to do something a little different.
I created a presentation that’s more illustrative and we’re going to do some reflection and maybe give you some ideas, and then at the end, I’m going to ask three or four questions that may be in your minds, and then I’ll open it up. Since this is a forum I learn as much as you do. And so I want you to open up and ask me questions, whatever questions come on your mind. So, let’s go ahead and get started. Well, we’ll wait about 30 seconds. People are still populating.
So my question is first, are you willing to let go? So, let’s start off with that simple question. It’s not a question for your mind. It’s really a question for your heart. You know, a few weeks ago, I was sitting on my boat in the Exumas. There were no televisions, no phones, no notifications, no noise — just the ocean. The sun began to rise over the horizon. Everything was at peace. The water, the sky, and the wind. And it really struck me. Nature never argues with reality. The tide doesn’t complain. Sunset doesn’t ask for one more hour. Basically, everything simply accepts what is and then it flows. Humans are quite different than that. We spend so much of our day arguing with reality.
Today I want to explore a question that may be one of the most important questions you’ll ever ask yourself. Are you willing to let go? Because the ocean has become one of my greatest teachers. I’ve spent so many years on the ocean and it never resists. It flows. It accepts. It responds. The waves don’t demand certainty. The tide doesn’t insist on performance. Only humans do that. And much of our suffering comes from our resistance to what is. Not because life is difficult, but because we believe life should be different.
We suffer because we hold on to everything. And in that grip, we create our own suffering. So, I want to ask you a question. What are you holding on to right now? A fear? A regret? A disappointment? A story? A need for control? The tighter we grip life, the less life can move through us. And I think this has never been more important than it is right now in our country and in our world with the chaos, the international chaos, the domestic chaos, the political upheaval, all the stress of just living in life. And what I can tell you is that preferences become our prison. It’s one of the most important things I can really talk about. Preferences are normal. Attachment is suffering. It’s okay to prefer sunshine. It’s okay to prefer success. It’s okay to prefer certainty, but when your peace depends on getting what you prefer, you have to surrender your freedom. And that’s so important for us to realize. Basically, what burdens are you carrying? The old story you are still protecting. What disappointments are you unwilling to release? What expectations keep breaking your heart? What would happen if you finally put all that down? Because the moment you stop fighting reality, the moment you stop demanding that life cooperate before you, that’s when you can become happy and start really living. And you know, I kind of took this theme from Jimmy Buffett, and who lived, he just died recently, but he lived a really full life. Full of joy. Traveled, much like I love the ocean, and he loved to go around and he would go around the country and create a reality. They called them the parrot heads and they would be people that would dress up that lived in cities maybe up north and they maybe never even got down to the tropics. They would come to the concerts and dress up, you know in Jimmy Buffett outfits, or with parrot hats and stuff like they were in the tropics and for a couple hours would escape reality.
But the reality is, living is about understanding that it’s life right now that really matters. So the path is simple. It’s not found in control. It’s found in surrender, flowing with life, releasing resistance, trusting the process, and accepting what it is and being free and doing it all over again as many times as it takes to get it right. And that’s why I talk so much in these forums around going to the mental gym because all this is doable. Basically, the choice is you. It’s yours to make. You can resist and remain stuck or you can release and move forward. You can fear and stay small or you can trust and live fully. You can hold on or you can let go. The freedom you seek is on the other side of surrender. And that sounds so simple, but it really is.
So basically, most people live their lives trying to create certainty. You have everything you need within you right now. The courage to begin, the strength to continue, the wisdom to trust the journey, and the peace to enjoy on the other side. Because the reality is living free is a daily decision. You choose, you trust the flow, and you live with purpose and without limits. The journey is yours. No one can walk it for you. No one can live it for you. But you’re never meant to walk alone. You have the power. You have the choice. You have everything you need to create the life you love. Take a deep breath. Look forward. Your story matters. It’s so important. And bottom line is this: what’s next? The choice is yours. You can trust yourself. You already know more than you think. You can stay aligned. Return to your purpose every day. You can keep growing. Every step forward builds your future and you can live with intention. Choose the life that lights you up. So critical because the reality is this is your life, your journey. You’ve got this. You can live it on your terms with courage, purpose, and heart. The best is yet to come.
So basically, freedom is not found in getting everything you want. Freedom is found in no longer needing everything to be exactly what you want. Freedom is trust. It’s not control. It’s acceptance. It’s flow. So tomorrow morning, something’s not going to go right for you. Traffic, weather, conversation, result, a plan. Life will once again invite you to choose. You can resist or you can release. You can tighten your grip or you can let go. And perhaps the greatest gift you can give yourself is realizing that peace was never waiting on the other side of control. It was waiting on the other side of surrender. So I leave you with one final question. What are you still holding on to and are you willing to let it go? So basically, you know, I want to do this presentation more in a presentation style because I wanted to hopefully open up today to really get some deep questions. And so I set up a series of questions. This slide’s kind of cluttered, but I wanted to basically do about five or six questions just to kind of stimulate you because I want to get into the meat of this forum, which is basically interacting with you each individually, which also works collectively.
So, I put a series of questions here. What if I feel lost or unmotivated? It’s okay to have off days. You start small. You be kind to yourself. And you take one intended step forward. How do I stay consistent? Anchor to your purpose. Create simple habits and remember why you started. What if I’m afraid to try? Courage isn’t the absence of fear. It’s choosing to move forward anyway. and how do I know I’m on the right path? When your choices align with your values and bring you peace, you’re on your path. And the last one, what’s the most important thing to remember? You are enough. You have everything you need. Keep choosing you every single day. So, basically, that’s it, Rach. Do we have any questions?
Rachel: Yes. First up, we have Nancy.
Dr. A: Great. Hey, Nance. Let’s get rid of this [Dr. A is referring to the slide show on screen]. There you are. Hey, Nance.
Rachel: Oh, it looks like you are muted, Nancy.
Nancy: Okay. How about now?
Dr. A: Yeah, we’re better.
Rachel: We can hear you.
Nancy: Okay. All right. Well, this is my first time talking to you, so this is really great.
Dr. A: Great!
Nancy: Yeah. I’ve been a client for two years and a coach for one and I was on top of the world and I’ve lost over 100 pounds and I have a brand new life. However, my daughter, who’s 51 years old, recently— well, since I’ve lost the weight, she’s been different towards me and she says I’ve changed and she can’t relate to me, and to me, I’m still me, but she doesn’t think so. And a week or two ago she told me how I am critical of my adult grandchildren, whereas I’m always consciously building them up and telling them how proud I am. So I don’t get that. And also she tells me because I go to church, I’m a Presbyterian, that I’m in a cult, which is hurtful to me. I know she’s not a Christian and I don’t proselytize to her but she doesn’t want to hear anything about church and I only talk about activities. I don’t talk about God or anything. And surprisingly, because I really thought I had a handle on my mental state, this has put me into a deep funk of depression. And this has surprised me because I thought I had this all handled. Anyway, so, my coach is Jennifer, and she says, “Why don’t you ask Dr. Andersen?” So.
Dr. A: Yeah. No, that’s great. First of all, congratulations because you’ve become the Dominant Force in your own life. You’ve created health for yourself. You’re going to live longer in a healthier state. But it doesn’t deny the reality that the relationship has dynamically changed with you and your daughter. And the reality is this. It has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with her. And…
Nancy: I do know that… [crosstalk 00:11:39]
Dr. A: But that’s important because again, going back, I started this talk today about the ocean, right? And about how the tide basically has no preferences. Nature has no issue with reality. You know, I mean, I took my girls a couple years ago to Africa and the dynamic in Africa is that, you know, a pride of lions, lionesses took down a giraffe and life happens. And that giraffe, you could feel sorry for the giraffe or you could just say that’s part of the cycle of life. So not to try to sterilize your relationship, because your relationship with your daughter is one that, you know, from the very beginning, when she was a little girl, you have a dynamic relationship of how that relationship should be and for whatever reason the changes you’ve made, which are courage, that’s your courage, your decision to make, those changes and losing 100 pounds those are absolutely amazing things that have changed your life dramatically and for whatever reason your joy, she’s being critical and she’s using it as a defense mechanism. Including, for instance, your religious faith has been your religious faith all along, but because now that you’ve gotten healthy and all these things have happened and you know, I don’t know what her status is, but it— Oh, and you got yourself a cat, too. So, you got somebody that’s loyal to you. To start with.
Nancy: Yes, that’s Maddie.
Dr. A: Yeah. Hi, Maddie. But you know, the reality is that you can do nothing right now for her because it’s all about her. So that’s not your job. And for you to reflect and have that— have a negative effect on your mental health, is not helpful for you. It’s all cost and no benefit. So you’ve got to realize that decision is that. Hey, you love your daughter and the reason why you feel… you get in the funk, is because you love her and you want a dynamic, good relationship with her. So basically, the thing you can do is just make sure that you stay in neutral subjects. Totally neutral subjects. Now it just so happens that one of the things you do is your church, is part of your social life. So, you’re talking about things you do at your church, but she’s identified that with the change in your health, the things that you’ve done, that you’re not the same person. Well, you’re not the same person. You’re a healthier person. You’re more dynamic. You know more. You’ve basically elevated your own presence and consciousness. And so, you’re more sensitive to it, but you need to feel those emotions.
[00:14:13] So, when you’re with her and she upsets you, it’s important for you to feel those all and not necessarily interact with her when she’s there because remember, there’s two triangles. There’s the Drama Triangle and there’s the Empowerment Triangle. So, your mind has to be, when I’m interacting with my daughter, I need to stay in the Empowerment Triangle, which means I’m not going to be the victim. I’m not going to let her be the victim. I’m basically going to be the creator. I’m creating my life. I’ll talk about things that, you know, ask lots of questions and find things that are interesting to her. I’m not going to be a villain and blame myself for what I’ve done or blame her. I’m going to… I may challenge some things. I may challenge the reality. But challenging is not emotional. Challenging is just: here are the facts and this is what we see, and here’s the discussion. And then the third part, the third part is probably the most important part. I’m not going to be the hero. You’re going to be a coach and in being a coach you’re going to simply ask motivational questions and things about her life or— and she has kids, right? Because you have grandkids.
Nancy: Yeah. Four.
Dr. A: Yeah. And they love you, right?
Nancy: Yeah.
Dr. A: Yeah. Okay. So, basically be kind to them and be sweet to her. Realizing that she’s internally, inside, she’s suffering. She actually wants preferences and she wants you to be back the way you were. She doesn’t want you to be religious. She has all these things. Those aren’t— you don’t have control over anything. She’s an adult. She’s a human. She’s an adult now. Her kids may not necessarily be. They’re still kids. So, just have… [crosstalk 00:15:56].
Nancy: They’re adults, too.
Dr. A: They’re adults. Okay. But, basically, just love on her. Be sweet to her. And you know, if she says something, don’t interact. Don’t interact and take the bait because she’s looking to create dysfunction with you, and know that as her mom, you’re there to love her, to care about her, accept her as she is, and not let it affect you because the only one that can make you depressed is you.
Nancy: Yeah, I know. That’s what’s now annoying me.
Dr. A: So, well, don’t beat yourself up about it. Just know that when you— the reason why you get depressed is because you’re letting your thoughts dominate you. Your thoughts are not you. Does that make sense to you, Nancy?
Nancy: Oh yes.
Dr. A: Your thoughts are not you. Your thoughts are thoughts and your thoughts…
Nancy: Yes. You’ve said that many times. I know.
Dr. A: Yeah. Well, it’s really important because now you’re smiling and you’re actually thinking about it and you’re happy right now. Okay.
Nancy: Yeah. Yeah.
Dr. A: You determine your state of being. And it’s okay to leave there and feel sad about what’s going on in your relationship. Feel that sadness all the way through and then go back and hang out with your cat or hang out with your friends or hang out with the people at church and bring joy into your life because you’re the decision maker. And when I talked about the journey, listen, I’ve had some catastrophic things happen in my life. I lost my wife and I had to rebuild my life. But the choice is…
Nancy: And I have and I lost my husband as well.
Dr.A: Yeah. So you know. And you rebuild your life. You move on, and I have two amazing daughters, and we built a great life together, and the idea is that you’re here to be in service of your soul. You know, I always talk about the evolution that we go from when we’re young. Our egos are in service of us, to help us be successful. But as we age and we’re moving along through life, our ego is in service of our soul. And what I mean by that, it is a point where — you’re at a point in your life when you — you’re going to live longer because you’re in a healthy state. But your mental health is just as important as your physical health. And you have full control over that. So it’s okay to feel those feelings. And if you feel upset or sad or mad or whatever it is, make sure you feel them all the way through and then move on to the next moment in your life where your cat comes and jumps on your neck or, you know, or whatever the things that you choose, what you value most, and use it, be curious. Be open, curious, and want to grow in your relationship with your daughter. What I mean by that is be open, curious, and just kind of be — rather than allowing her to push your buttons and create emotions that are dysfunctional. Be curious, and ask, you know, ask questions about, how can I help with that? Ask, you know — childlike wonder. You know, I love it when lecturing and I’m staying at a hotel and I can hear the din of kids playing out at the pool. You know, the joy, the pure joy they have in childlike wonder. Just have that childlike wonder, and hope to, you know, basically move your relationship forward. Over time, if you go like this with her, it’s going to stay the same. But if you drop that and she does this and you don’t, you’re not there to fight back. Then eventually it’ll soften and make it into a… almost like a — okay, I want to build equilibrium in my relationship with my daughter. So, when I’m with her, I’m going to make sure that I ask questions and I’m going to be curious about, how can I engage her in a way that allows us to build, not tear down our relationship? Does that make sense?
Nancy: Oh, yeah. And that’s I’d like nothing more than that.
Dr. A: Yeah. Yeah. So, that’s how you go at it. You go at it that way. You go at it from that vantage point. And do not allow her to pull you into the Drama Triangle. You don’t allow her to make you think you’re a victim or she’s a victim. Basically, if she’s trying to be a victim, turn her into a creator of what’s going on in her life. Basically, if she tries to turn you into a villain or her into a villain, then basically challenge that. And don’t be a hero.
Nancy: How do I challenge that if I’m not… [crosstalk 00:20:24].
Dr. A: No, no, you don’t. No, I don’t mean… challenge the inside of you. Inside of you.
Nancy: Oh! Okay, fine.
Dr. A: Don’t challenge her. Challenge why you’re thinking like that. Challenge why you’re thinking.
Nancy: I get it. Okay. Miss understood.
Dr. A: Because she’s the only one. She is not the one that creates emotional dysfunction in you. You do. You’re taking the energy, basically, based on whatever the past is because — again, all suffering is because we have preferences. I want to make sure I’m clear on that. That actually, a hundred, what 10,000, or how many thousand years, a couple thousand years ago, Buddha’s first noble principle was that all life is suffering and the reason why people suffer is because they have preferences they want life to be a certain way and right now your relationship isn’t the way you want so it’s allowing you to suffer. Go in there with: it is what it is, and let’s see what I can do by being curious, open, and wanting to grow. How can I learn how to improve and build internal stability with yourself so that you don’t get triggered, and external equilibrium with her where basically you’re turning down the temperature every time she tries to do something like this by not engaging? And then when you’re finished, ask yourself, when you’re going home, what happened? What was missing? And what’s next? How can I change the expectations and make it work better? And it sounds like right now the two things you mentioned are basically, if she’s talking about your health just say, you know, I feel good and I’m sure you are happy for me for that. And the second thing is to stay away from activities at the church, she’s looking for something to push your buttons to engage in a negative fashion. Don’t let her do it.
Nancy: I’m banned from talking about health.
Dr. A: Okay. Well, okay. So don’t talk about it.
Nancy: I don’t.
Dr. A: Right. And if you’re banned, that pretty much gives you the answer to the point that basically she’s struggling somehow, either mentally or physically, and she’s trying to pull you back. It’s like the crabs in the pot, right? The one crab’s trying to get out of the pot and the other one’s trying to pull him back in. Yeah. That’s not her ability to do that, basically, is only if you allow her. So go over there, talk about whatever she loves and leave it at that.
Nancy: Yeah. Thank you. So, so very helpful.
Dr. A: You’re welcome. [crosstalk 00:22:57]. Awesome. Cool. All right. Who’s next, Rach?
Rachel: All right. Next up, we have Christie. Hi, Christie.
Dr. A: Hey, Christie.
Christie: Hey, Dr. A. How are you?
Dr. A: I am fantastic.
Christie: So, I missed the first few minutes, but I wondered if you have ever done EMDR therapy. I did it shortly after I started program three years ago. I feel like my head started clearing up and I was able to get further help from past trauma. But it stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, I do believe. And it is really helpful for people in dealing with trauma. You could do hours and hours and hours of talk therapy or a couple sessions of EMDR, but just wondering if you’d heard of it.
Dr. A: Yeah. No, I have not. But definitely put it in the text and I’ll have Rachel, and I’ll do a little research on it. I, again, the one thing we always say at the beginning is that the purpose of the forum is to bring up discussion points on— but not to provide therapy. So I’m not a psychotherapist. The intention is to, in general, talk about consciousness. Being more present and learning to be able to remove our, you know, move ourself into the observer space, where we observe our thoughts and feelings and realize— see you’re not depressed — if you get… someone’s depressed, or even for Nancy, from the last, she’s not depressed. Her thoughts are depressed. Okay, she’s abundant energy, The thoughts that create that depression are simply a choice and they come from basically creating certain conditions.
[00:24:52] So yeah, anything, I mean I have never studied EMDR but I can tell you that things as simple as your breathing, right, which is taking an unconscious process that’s part of the parasympathetic, sympathetic nervous system. Your breathing is in the autonomic nervous system, which you normally don’t think about, but you can take control of your breathing and now use it as a mechanism to basically release energy very simply. So I’m sure it’s a similar concept, right? It’s like taking control of something that you do automatically and using it to basically let yourself go. The whole idea about are you willing to let go is about surrender. It’s literally about stop resisting all the things that we want different and realize that they’re just factual things that are happening. Remember in life, life is intrinsically unstable. We’re going to have things happen to us. They happen all the time. You got to turn on the news, right? It’s how we respond to them that determines the outcome. And if we allow these, that’s why for Nancy, to have those feelings go all the way through and release completely. It’s like, if you’re driving down the road and you have the stripes on the road, right? You see the stripes, right? You see the stripes or you see the dashes and you know when you can pass and you can’t, but you see it, but it just comes in and goes out, right? You don’t hold on to it. You’re not thinking about, oh yeah, are those stripes? But when emotions hit us or thoughts hit us that are not the way we want them to be because we have preferences of how we want the world to be, then we resist those. We suppress them. We push them back. They’re like coiled springs. We push them back down inside of us. We suppress or we resist. And because we’re not allowing them to go through like those stripes on the road, we hold on to them. And then they’re there. And once they’re there, you may not even know it, but because that energy is inside of you, something that, totally out of line may totally, get you upset. Right?
Christie: Right. Yep. That is so much better. Since losing weight, all of that, everything I process is not just losing weight, but learning everything that you taught. I had to use it yesterday. I take care of my two-year-old grandbaby every day and she had her first meltdown with me, and she was angry and sad that her mom left to go to work, and I was suffering. Things weren’t going my way, same with her, and just Stop. Challenge. Choose. I just had to step away and then come back more centered. So I just, I appreciate everything that you do.
Dr. A: No. And that’s so critical because you know, it’s like kids at Toys R Us, right? That are having a fit because they don’t get what they want. And then to watch young parents that don’t have any— have not learned to go to the mental gym. They haven’t learned to stop and challenge and they’re allowing their child to pull them into the drama cycle, right? And they become either the hero and give them something, buy them something to appease them, or get mad and say, you’re a bad kid. I mean, they’re literally teaching these, the same profiling and it becomes generational. So, by learning this, the stuff that we teach here, and the stuff in consciousness that’s so important, is the difference between building that internal stability. So you’re able to handle these, they become like water on a duck’s back, and at the same time, the external equilibrium. I always talk about internal stability. External equilibrium is that in your relationships, because a relationship with a 2-year-old, they do not have the prefrontal cortex developed. They are all limbic. They’re all emotional, and if you allow that and you go into the Drama Triangle, and you be the hero, and buy them something to appease them or if you get mad at them and start screaming at them, basically, you’re teaching them the same patterns.
And so the beauty of learning something as simple as one of…. you know, I created, Stop. Challenge. Choose., over 20 years ago, and I can’t tell you over the years, it’s such a simple thing but it creates the gap between stimulus and response and by creating that window it allows you, as an adult — about five years old we start developing this before that so all that stuff that happened in those first four or five years is all emotional for us as we’re growing. And so it gets stored, that energy gets stored depending on how our parents or your grandparents or whoever takes care of being an amazing grandmother. Now you’re teaching that child to be able to do these things themselves. And we know this, there was a study done several years ago where they looked at attachment and secure attachment, which occurs in the first year of life, is a tremendously important piece for a child in development. And you know I know, because I’m a grandfather. I have a month and a half old granddaughter. And fortunately, you know, my daughter obviously grew up with me, so she knows these things. And it’s funny because she used to get all mad at me all the time. And now she goes, “Dad, this is so great because Rhea is getting to grow up with me understanding those things.” And so that, you know, she’s starting off with the right, you know, with the right. It’s a lot easier to learn the right way the first time. It’s like learn good habits first. It’s like, you know, with your kids, not having processed food in the house and learning for them to eat, you know, fruit and healthy things is a lot easier and they won’t have that preference for the garbage.
In fact, just spending a moment on that, you know, the food industry for baby food basically, it uses the same components, high fructose corn syrup and all these things that are unhealthy, teaching infants how to desire processed food over natural food. And so it’s our role and the same thing works within the mind, building presence, being able to hold that space. Having the child realize that they can’t, you know, when they were born they cried when they needed something. That’s the only way they communicate. But when they move into two years old or so, they need to know that that response doesn’t work anymore. There needs to be a kinder, a softer response to it. That’s awesome. So that’s great. Thank you for sharing that. And I’ll check out the stuff on the eyes. Cool. All right.
Rachel: Alright. Next up, we have Suzanne.
Dr. A: Hey, Suzanne.
Suzanne: Hey, Dr. A. How are you?
Dr. A: I am fantastic.
Suzanne: That’s great. Well, first of all, I just want to thank you. I have a new granddaughter, my first one, and she’s two years old, too, so I can totally relate. And I know when I was babysitting and she started to lose it in the past, I would have tried to distract her or tell her she didn’t, you know, whatever. I just picked her up and I held her and I said, “I know you miss your mom. I know. She’ll be back soon, but I know you miss her and that must be tough.” It was a miracle. And every time she did that and every time I accepted her feelings, it was like, “This stuff works.”
Dr. A: Yeah, it does. It’s amazing how well it worked. Oh, and going back to those kids… so they did it in a hospital setting and they found that the kids would be playing, they’d take the kid away from their mom, the mom would be there, it wasn’t what happened when they took them away, but when they brought them back, one of three mechanisms. The first mechanism is they would grab their mom, hug them, and then go back to play, which meant they were securely attached. In other words, they were comfortable. The second was they would cling to their mom because basically their mom had sent them mixed messages, where sometimes they were giving them attention, sometimes not, so they were confused. And then third was the group that were from kids of addicts where they would just be totally, emotionally, in chaos. So it really matters and it matters how you do it every time. And consistency. The other thing is consistency. You know, I hate to go back to something as simple as a dog, but if you feed your dog at the dinner table, you can say no the next time and they’re confused and they’re not going to know what to do. And their reward is that they get food. They’re going to try it again and if you get more upset— and so you have to be consistent and just that, acceptance. Feeling. Letting them feel the feeling all the way through makes all the difference, and that makes the difference for us too.
[00:33:52] So, like going back to Nancy with her daughter, she goes over there and her expectations, her preferences, is that we have a Cinderella type relationship. They don’t have that. Okay? It has nothing to do with Nancy. It has to do with her daughter dealing and not being willing to be open and curious and want to be supportive of her mom. And so, in that relationship, Nancy can’t fix that. You can’t fix that. You can just be open, curious, and want to learn from it. And that’s how we have to be in our lives is: things are going to happen. They’re not… today I live on the ocean. It’s a gorgeous, sunny, beautiful day. Makes me smile and makes me happier to look at it. But the other day it was cloudy and rainy and it was just as gorgeous. It just, you just have to accept the way it is and then go on with it and realize that yeah, my preference is I like it this way, but it’s okay if it isn’t that way. And in my relationships, if someone gets upset, they get upset. And I can only build that external equilibrium by basically listening to them. And remember, listening is different than agreeing.
You’re going to have people in your lives who basically you get into an argument with them, or they want to make a point. And you don’t have to agree. It’s acknowledgment that matters. If you totally don’t acknowledge them and including just what you said with your grandchild, if you acknowledge they’re feeling a certain way basically, then that works and it’ll work over time and because you’re not doing this, this will happen and then it’ll calm down. So really important. Cool?
Suzanne: That is cool. I did have another question, but I can do that another…
Dr. A: No, go for it!
Suzanne: Well, okay. So, this is about me and I’ve been doing the work with you and on myself for eight years now and I’ve truly changed so much about the way I respond instead of react. And my main obstacles now is the fact that I had a late stage ADHD diagnosis, which was a relief in many ways to find out that these things that I do are actually part of a syndrome versus it’s my fault. It’s my fault I’m always late. It’s, oh, why am I always late? And now I know that there is a thing called time blindness. And there are other things. There’s a rejection thing. And so, I’m being open and curious and learning about these things. However, there’s still… there’s so many things I want to accomplish. And I’m at odds with that, that I don’t get as much done as I want to. And I don’t want to use it as an excuse or reason. But also, I’m trying to learn how the parameters of, what can I change? In the way, are there systems that I can change and how can I accept things that I might not be able to change so that I don’t— I still get internal frustration. I’ve been working on it. I have a great therapist. We work on it. But it’s still that there’s so much more I want to do, but I’m still…
Dr. A: Well, okay. So, let’s just, that last thing you just said is what I’m curious about. Where’s the measuring stick of where you get when you get the gold star?
Suzanne: In general or…?
Dr. A: In all the… [crosstalk 00:37:38]. I’ve got 17 things that I got to do and I’m slower to getting them done than I want to. So what? If every day you’re getting a little bit better at doing those things, is that not enough?
Suzanne: It’s, you know where it comes up is when I have responsibility with other people. If I miss, if I forget one more time that, oh my gosh, I was supposed to do this, or oh, I forgot to do that.
Dr. A: You have this [Dr. A holds up a phone].
Suzanne: I know! I got alarms, I’ve got things going off.
Dr. A: Okay. So, that’s not anything you’ve got to remember yourself. We all, as we get older, our cognitive ability to remember— and here’s the other part, we live in the most distractive world ever. So, basically, that’s what this is for. Okay? You don’t have to remember anymore. So, you’re actually creating a false scenario. You’re creating something you don’t have to have. If we didn’t have this — well, first of all, let’s make sure we understand this is part of the problem. This is one of the most distractive things we have. In fact, look at kids today. I mean, you know, you can say what you want about attention deficit, but the technology is a big response between eating processed food full of sugar and these, this technology. There’s a reason why we’re like we are. But in the case, where it sounds like in terms of those 19 things you want to do, the one that is the most important to you is having external equilibrium with the people that it’s important to have that with, then just make sure you get disciplined. And the discipline is just, when I am obligated to do something, put it in here with an alarm on it so it now reminds me, whatever, 15 minutes before, or 30 minutes before.
Listen, I had a tendency to always, after I would grill outside, I would leave the grill on, right? To basically make sure it destroyed any organic material that was there so I could clean the grill. And I can’t tell you how many times I left the grill on all night, right? Because you forget. You forget. And I forget. So, I specifically, when I go out to grill, I basically take this with me and I put an alarm on it to alarm 15 minutes after I finish, when I take the food off. Okay. So, that doesn’t happen anymore. I don’t beat myself up and say, “God, you’re so…” I actually destroyed two of the controls on it because it was on all night in the summertime and it burned the— it was so hot it burned two of the controls. So, it cost me money to fix it. And I basically said, you know, that’s not going to happen again. But did I beat myself up and say, “Oh, God, am I stupid?” No. I said, you don’t remember that. You get focused on having your dinner or whatever and then with being with family or friends and you forget about it because it’s not then relevant because you don’t go back and do it. So, I did that.
Again, there’s no wrong or right. There’s a matter of saying these things are important to me. And the other thing, what I would suggest for you is really important, Suzanne, is to say yes only if it’s an unconditional yes. And what I mean by that, it’s got to be unconditional. It’s got to be an absolute yes. You have to, when you say yes to something with someone it should be yes here in your brain, your cognitive part of your brain. It should be in your emotional part of your brain and in your gut. Only make basically complete yeses that they’re unconditional. Where you’re fully saying yes.
Suzanne: A full body yes!
Dr. A: If it’s not a full body yes, don’t do it, and that’ll cut down on the things and decrease— because when we say yes and agree to things, again, that’s being a hero. It’s all related, right? You have someone that wants you to do something, you don’t want to do it, but you say yes because it’s easier to say yes and get out of that uncomfortable situation than saying no. But what happens is, then it comes time you have to do that and now, if it’s not a full body yes, basically, now you don’t want to do it. Now you’re doing something you don’t want to do. Really important. Cool?
Suzanne: Very cool. Thank you.
Dr. A: You’re welcome. All right. Rach, who else?
Rachel: All right. Next up we have Jan.
Dr. A: Hey Jan.
Jan: Hey. Good morning, Dr. A. Good to see you.
Dr. A: Good to see you.
Jan: Okay. So, first of all, I want to acknowledge you for all the changes, wonderful changes, that you’ve helped bring about in my life. You know, it’s just wonderful to wake up and have just a normal response. It’s part of my identity of getting up and getting moving, getting fuel in my body, eating every two to three hours, sleeping, hydrating, all of it. And I can honestly say those things were not part of my DNA before and they are now and I really am so grateful.
Dr. A: That’s awesome.
Jan: So, just wanted to say that. And then I have a question about false framing. That’s one of the hardest things for me when people misunderstand me or false frame me and I want so badly to help them understand. You know, it’s like… but how do I understand what you’ve been speaking about this morning has helped me so much and just being able to ask more questions, be inquisitive, not confrontive, just to understand, seek to understand and be curious, and to not jump into the arena of trying to be defensive, but also to honor yourself. You know, you don’t want people to just walk all over you. So, there’s this little space, and I’d love for you to address that. How do you honor yourself without causing that contention?
Dr. A: Yeah. Well, I want to go back to what I was saying to Suzanne, is that the first thing is: acknowledgement isn’t the same thing as agreement. Okay? And that’s how you prevent that from happening. You’re not acquiescing. You’re not appeasing. You are simply listening and acknowledging that you’re hearing what someone’s saying. Okay? You don’t have to agree with it and it may not be true. You know, I can tell you right now, I don’t know Suzanne’s daughter, but clearly when she’s forbidden about talking about health, I mean, that’s like a big red danger, Will Robinson, you know, that’s a big flag that there’s something in her daughter’s life that is triggered by her mom becoming so healthy, right?
Jan: Yeah.
Dr. A: So that’s allowing the daughter to frame something in a way where she’s in denial, in total denial, and that’s not helpful. So, but on the other hand, Nancy has made the decisions to be healthy and making those choices, working in her world, and basically has her cat, which she loves, and has her friends at church, which she sounds like she has a great time with, and that’s where her joy comes from. So, there’s going to be people in your life, you know, including people very close to us. It can be our families. I mean, it’s just the way it is. Where you have to set a boundary and it’s like a guardrail. And in that guardrail, you know, you don’t cross the guardrail. And you don’t have to, sometimes the silence is the best way to approach that. Is that right now I’m feeling— and usually, when you feel a core emotion like anger, it means something needs to change.
[00:45:33] There’s something that needs to change and you’re angry about it. But as you know, if you go into the Drama Triangle and you get angry and then talk from that space, you’re going to stimulate the other person in the Drama Triangle and you’re just going to switch positions. So that’s why the Empowerment Triangle is so important to ask yourself in this space and time, just like, you know, talking about your grandkids, right? You know, you have a 2-year-old, that 2-year-old does not have the cognitive ability to be rational or rationalize with. All you can do in that case is absorb that energy with them and love them, right? That’s all you can do. And then they’ll calm down and that’s your way of kind of absorbing that. But doing it from a point of love, where you feel— while they’re upset and they’re sad, you’re actually feeling love, right? Because you’re feeling love that I’m basically cuddling and I’m giving my love that I care. And that’s a different response than the child’s having. So the same thing in framing, you know, reframing is everything.
We need to reframe things in perspective. You know, the stoics, the Greeks started and the Romans perfected it. But stoicism or really taking every adverse situation and turning it into the way — obstacle is the way — was how they grew and how they learned and how they became persevered. I mean, you take the Spartans. The Spartans became great professional warriors, right? Where they became oblivious to pain and they learned that through discipline. And we know now there’s areas in the brain, there’s an area in the brain, the singulate, where when we do hard things, it makes us stronger. It makes us emotionally stronger. It makes us physically stronger, and it actually adds to longevity. Now those guys that went out went to war, they didn’t live so long. But the point is, those were very important things and principles that are physiologically connected to how we think. And so you’re the master controller, your CPU, you’re knowing that when you choose something and the things you value— when you align your life around what you value most, what are the most valuable and I mean your values, your highest values, you need very little motivation and they can happen naturally and you can set the standard.
And so in your relationship, whether it’s with a family member or with someone that you work with, when they see you in a consistent way, then they can rely on that consistency. And it’s kind of like the analogy of having a local store where you can go there and they’re open till 900 p.m. every night and you can rely on that. The same thing when other people can rely on you because you basically are consistent in your pattern because you’re literally thinking the things through and coming from the space of what you value most. That becomes a very important thing and that has never been more important than it is in the world we live in today because everything is a white lie. Everything is a compromise. Everything is like, oh, it doesn’t really matter. Well, it does matter. It matters that you make your bed every day. It matters that you do these things. It matters that you interact. And if you have a dysfunctional relationship with someone, it matters that you consistently show up as you, not as someone where I’m letting my emotions get in the way. And now I’m becoming unstable in here and I’m allowing an emotion to now guide me versus being present, realizing that if I stop, challenge, why I’m feeling this way, I’ll choose the outcome I want which is to build external equilibrium with everybody in my life and you’re the chief modulator of that. Does that make sense?
Jan: Yeah, it does. You know, I’m having challenges with a daughter and she is not in a good mental state. She, and maybe you’ve seen this happen, but it seems to me that she throws all of her, all the junk, everything she’s dealing with, she’ll throw it onto the people that she feels the safest with. And I’ve tried to just stay that course and be very consistent and stable in that space. But I also have to draw the boundaries because she can get really ugly and I don’t want her to speak to me in certain ways. And so I try to keep the boundaries set without causing contention. It’s tough. It’s a tough line, but it seems like she must know that I’m not going anywhere because she dumps all of her junk on me.
Dr. A: Yeah. Well, and again, there’s a line there of you becoming either the hero or the victim in that role. Okay? So, you’ve got to be careful there. What I mean by that is there has to be boundaries and there are boundaries. And if she crosses over those boundaries, then you just need to walk away. She’s your daughter. You’re her mom. That is a physiologic relationship. Okay? She’s an adult. She’s no longer your daughter. Okay? She’s your daughter in principle, but in reality, that does not give her the right to cross over those boundaries. So, you’ve got to decide where those boundaries are and inform her. And when she crosses over them, walk away. In other words, do not engage. Don’t sit there and listen to it. Just say, “I’m sorry.” You know, if it’s on the phone, “I’m sorry. When you’re basically able to respond in a way that is respectful, I will listen to you.” Period. Period. You don’t need— there’s no rule that says you need to be a big bullseye to take that crap. Period. And that’s not your role, your responsibility. Let me just give you an… so, let’s do something that’s totally theoretical for a moment. Okay, let’s say you let everything, you absorb everything. You let her do all that and absorb everything and in here it creates mental chaos for you and you get stressed and your epinephrine, norepinephrine, your cortisol gets released and let’s say it causes you to get a terminal disease. I don’t know, heart attack, stroke, cancer, doesn’t matter. And you die. Okay? You die. You’re not there for her. Okay? Right?
Jan: Yeah.
Dr. A: You’re not there for her anymore. Okay. So, why are you letting that happen? In other words, there’s a time when you won’t be here for her. Okay? You’re here for her now and you love her, but you have to be it has to be conditional, but unconditional that you love her, but she’s a human and you’re taking the role of mother daughter and she’s not three years old. Her brain has developed and whether it’s dysfunctional or not, there has to be a guideline in because like you said, the people that aren’t going anywhere are the people that she’s the most abusive to. Well, she needs to realize that that doesn’t work. You’re there for her. You’ll listen to her, but when she crosses over certain, then you basically just say… [Dr. A holds his hands up]. I know my grandfather did feed the dog at the table and it used to drive me crazy, but he had one rule. He would give him something, but when he went like this, there was no more food ever given. And I used to watch the dog and the dog would immediately go away. Okay, that’s what you’ve got to do with your daughter. You’ve got to set that boundary. Because you’re saying that you’re allowing it to be— you’re allowing it to affect you mentally and that can only happen if you choose that. And if you allow it, you’re saying it’s okay to eat at the table.
Jan: Yeah.
Dr. A: And there is no [Dr. A does the same hand gesture as before]. Right?
Jan: Yeah. Yeah. For sure. I’ve been successful in drawing that boundary and holding it. It’s just hard. And she says really hurtful things and it’s like you want to try to, you know, set the record straight. There’s no making sense of it.
Dr. A: You can’t fix it. You can’t fix it.
Jan: You can’t.
Dr. A: Stop trying to fix it. You can’t fix anybody. Yeah, you can help them awaken till that it’s not advantageous for them. And if she crosses over the line and you go, you go like this and you walk away, she no longer can do it, can she?
Jan: Yeah, she can’t. Okay. And she’s not in my space. I’m not even sure exactly where she is right now. But when she has communicated, it’s been difficult. But I feel I feel really blessed and just that I have the ability to keep going and be present for my other kids and I’m caring for one of her kids right now and I’m able to just kind of compartmentalize it and just keep moving forward, which I attribute a lot of the training that I received through the Habits of Health, again you know, gratitude there I’m just, it it is just a difficult time, but this has been very helpful just to remember to draw those boundaries and hold them and not…
Dr. A: And Jan, the most important part is to have fun with it. Just think of this. No, seriously. Boom. No, I mean, it has to be that way. Okay. Remember, no one has the ability to affect you unless you allow them to affect you, including your daughter. Okay? And even though, you know, you’re in an adverse relationship and you want to help her, you know, bottom line is, if it’s affecting you negatively, then you can’t be as good for the people that do want to have an interactive relationship with you. So you’ve got to set the boundaries and she can’t just use you because you take it. It just doesn’t— first of all you’re enabling her. Okay? You’re allowing her to do bad behavior and that is not in the Empowerment Triangle. That’s not who you are. You’re an empowerer. You’re a creator. You’re a coach. And you’re a challenger. You’re not a victim. You’re not a villain. And you’re not a hero. Okay? All right.
Jan: Love you. Thanks.
Dr. A: Bye bye. All right. We have time for one more.
Rachel: All right. Next up, we have Allison.
Dr. A: Hey, Allison. How are you?
Allison: Hi! Hey, Dr. A. Good. And the work that we have been doing together has shown me that I have some behaviors that have served me really really well, that are getting in the way of being able to dig deep now and honestly answer the questions about myself. It’s so much… I love asking everyone else questions about themselves and helping them figure it out, but when it comes to me, I have a really hard time being honest and answering in the true way for me rather than what the answer should be. So, like when you’re talking about what’s holding you back, or even going the “Seven layers deep,” to figure out what your real “why?” is. I have a hard time with that.
Dr. A: Well, it’s fun. It’s fun working with other people because it’s their stuff. It’s their stuff.
Allison: Yeah.
Dr. A: And that’s why it’s important, really important, to have someone that you can basically work with, you know, a professional or something. Well, first off, you can work on a lot of it yourself just by building the discipline of being present. It’s really, are you willing to let go? Was the subject of this talk, and I did this a little more formal today because I want people to really realize that your preferences, the things that you want, the way you want the things to be are not ever going to be that way. We’re one of over eight billion people on this planet. There’s never, and there’s a lot of life happening all the way around us. When we come from our preferences that we want life, it’s kind of like, you think of it as like a broken clock that the time is right twice a day, right? And that’s it. Okay? That’s how life is. You’re going to get it the way you want it maybe twice a day, okay? And the rest of the time it’s going to be different. So, you better learn how to accept the reality. That’s why the ocean is one of my mentors. There’s so much I learn, and from nature, and the interaction of the animals, and the creatures that are in the sea. I love to go on the reefs and snorkel and watch the behaviors and just watch. I live on the ocean and on the bays, on the other side, and I’ll sit out sometimes in the afternoon just watch the dolphins— the porpoises, watching the tarpon and watching the fish interact with big fish, the birds, you know, how they act.
[00:58:54] Nature is a great teacher for us because it accepts reality as reality. It doesn’t say, “Oh, no….” just like, going back to when, that was hard at first, you know, when we saw the pride take down this giraffe, and then we saw that giraffe, over a 30-minute period, feed seven different species and be part of nature. It was really, pretty neat. So anyway, so working on yourself, making sure that you go to the mental gym, get yourself present, there’s three things you can do. You can — and I’m telling you this because we’re running out of time and I want to make sure that as you’re working on yourself, just as a reminder, there’s three things you can do. One is when you have something going on that’s not your preference, let’s go ahead and switch it after something that basically is positive.
The second is using a mantra to get you off the thought, right? If you have this cognitive emotive loops going on, and the third most important is witness consciousness. It’s being — hold on just one second. I just got to let them know. I’ve got an appointment. Okay. So, at 1:00, which is what time it is right now. And I should know that, not make it right at one because we never finish on time — And then the third is witness consciousness, that I can stand back and observe this thought, this feeling. I can feel the feeling all the way through. I can go through the process and rather than making up and creating a story, let me be as close as I can to this being a video where I’m looking at reality, right? And then have people you can work with, you know, have people you can work with and help you. So, is there anything else that I need to answer before we go? We’re good? Are we good? [Allison gives a thumbs up]. All right. It’s great seeing you again, Allison, and that’s great.
Awesome. All right. Well, listen, guys. We’re out of time. I want to thank you all. Hopefully, if you like this, make sure you put in the chat what you like, what you’d like to hear more of. I’d like to be able to make sure we’re finding things that are of interest to our viewers. So, if you have anything specific, Rachel will put her email in there, and you can send topics you’d like me to go over, and hopefully you’ll take this and remember you are enough. You have everything you need to move forward. You don’t need more control. You don’t need to belong more. You don’t need more security. You don’t need more wholeness. You have those things already. You have no lack of any of those things. And make the decision to work on yourself. To build that internal stability where most things that come in now are like water on a duck’s back, and you take it, it rolls off. It’s something that affects you, you feel it all the way through, and then you move on. Everything should become, over time, like the white lines on a road. Something you observe, you take it for what it is, that you stay in the lane or you change lanes, and then you move on. And that’s how life is. Are you willing to let go? So, thank you, guys. Have a great week. Bye.
